Goodbye 2010

Hello 2011!

I've spent the last week or so at home with my family celebrating Christmas with the usual copious amounts of food and family visits. It's been really nice actually. It makes me realise what I'm missing out on not living at home anymore. And I want to make sure that next year I remember to make the time and effort to see my family more.

I've barely spoken to Mr Special these past few days. Do I feel any better or stronger for it? Not really. Am I still obsessing about him? Sadly, yes.

I want to start the new year feeling more positive about things. I do want to get over him and move on. But sometimes I just remember how wonderful he made me feel and all the little things that he used to do that made me so happy. Or I'll get a little message from him and I fall in love with him all over again. I don't know if I have the courage to tell him not to contact me, just for a little while, even if I contact him. He's coming to visit in the next couple of months too, and I know I'll want to spend every moment I can with him.

I know that he is moving on with his life, and I need to do the same. I don't want to wake up some day next year and see how happy he is with someone else and feel completely miserable. It is said that 'The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else' and I can certainly believe it. I think it's always hard to see someone move on before you. If I were in another relationship that was going well then I wouldn't care who Mr Special was seeing.

The thing that still chokes me up is that I believe we are so good together. Almost meant to be. Everything about us on paper looks like the perfect match. And I've always said that he ticks pretty much all of my boxes. We share the same outlook on life, ideals and values, hopes and dreams for the future, enjoy the same interests or can just sit in each other's company and not talk and be comfortable with that. He is my best friend and lover all rolled into one. There is nothing that I don't feel I couldn't tell him.

The only thing in our way is him. And I know you can't make someone love you back. But he has already told me that he does love me.

Life really is a bit shit at the moment.

I have run out of friends who aren't telling me wonderful things that are happening for them. Relationships are all going well, several of them are pregnant or have just had a baby, houses bought, exotic holidays planned... It seems that I'm the only one who is alone right now. Even this week when I was surrounded by family, I met several new additions to my extended family, whether it be new babies or new partners. I wonder when the day will come that I spend a Christmas with a special loved one? It used to be something I actually thought about - do I spend Christmas with my family or his? Now, it's just a distant memory.

In terms of my love life, 2010 has been a tough year. For spending wonderful time with family and friends, it has been full of lovely occasions that I will hold dear in my heart for many years to come. I've also covered some pretty cool achievements for me, some of which I hope to continue in the new year.

I do have lots of things lined up for next year already, so I'm going to try and focus on those. Weddings, parties and holidays :-) oh and a little thing called work... I really want to get myself moving so I am going to put more effort into it. I admit I was distracted after my holiday with Mr Special (3 weeks off - I could get used to not working!!) so... deep breath... New Year, New Start, New Beginnings.

I wanted my 30th year to be really special and full of memorable events... and it's been 3 months already into it. I don't want to waste time anymore. This is MY time. I have to make things happen for me.

Happy New Year everybody... I wish you, and me, all the very best.