It's Been A While...

I didn't actually realise how long it had been since I last wrote on here...

They say that time flies when you're having fun, and fun I have been having. But does fun equal happiness? No.

The last couple of months have been a complete mixture of lovely, social occasions and periods of intense sadness. I've been trying to distract myself with friends, family, birthdays, theatre trips, days and nights out... and more recently, with Christmas drawing closer, Christmas shopping, Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park, Taste of Christmas, the snow, Christmas carols and various parties... and... it all seems to be in vain.

I feel so unhappy. I wish that I didn't. I can't seem to get out of the habit of missing Mr Special and then giving in and talking to him. For those few precious minutes, it seems like everything is okay again. Despite the distractions and keeping busy at work, no matter how late I stay out, when I go to bed I'm reminded that I'm very much alone. Just me. In the dark. Alone with my thoughts.

My stupid thoughts. Thinking about what it would be like if we could actually be together. Wondering who he is out with instead of me? Imagining all sorts of scenarios. I end up torturing myself thinking about him and crying my eyes out.

I've tried so hard to not be in touch with him. But I keep failing.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't know what to do anymore. I just know that I don't want to keep feeling this way. I've kept it pretty well hidden from everyone but sometimes I feel like these waves of emotion are going to completely engulf me and I'll just break down.

I'm almost dreading Christmas and New Year. To me, Christmas is all about family and love and happy times. And even though I'll be with my family I know that I will feel so alone. Mr Special had said to me a couple of weeks ago that he'd come back for New Year and spend it with me, but that is not going to happen now. Instead, he might be visiting for a while next month...

And that will probably break my heart all over again :-(