Memories

In the midst of my massive clear out, I came across my old uni photo albums. I knew they were here somewhere, but I'd not seen them for a long time. I spent a good hour flicking through them, being reminded of my 3 fabulous years and the friends that I made, the nights out, the parties and boys.

I felt a bit nostalgic when I saw the pictures of me and my first ever boyfriend. I met him in my second year I think, and I was besotted with him. I didn't really know how to behave back then, but all I can say is that things were alot simpler back then. If you went out with someone, then you were boyfriend and girlfriend, completely exclusive, no question. Now, you can be dating, seeing someone, going out with someone, it might be casual or serious, exclusive or not, or officially boyfriend and girlfriend, with a view to a long term relationship. Boy, do I wish I could go back to those times where there is no doubt what's going on!

I used to entertain thoughts that I could see my whole future with my first boyfriend. I imagined us driving off into the sunset, top down, music blaring out and living happily ever after. In the end, I think it only lasted for 6 weeks.

I wish things were clearer for me now. But I seem to be in some bubble of hope. False hope. Mr Special and I talked about stuff the other day. He told me that he cares for me so much, but he cannot give me the commitment that I crave. Then he said he didn't know what the future might hold. Which is a really shitty thing to say to me because it doesn't completely rule out anything ever happening, but then he has a great get out clause in that he never promised me anything. So I could continue to hope, and to hold out that things turn out the way I want them to... but equally it could all end tits up and I'll have wasted months or even years of my life waiting for him.

The ridiculous thing is, I know that he cares for me. I'm not making excuses or trying to justify anything. But you don't have this sort of relationship with every girl you meet. I believe that people know if they don't want to be with someone pretty damned quick. For our relationship (for want of a better word) to have continued this long, and endured arguments, and holidays, and all the rest of it, it must mean something to him. If he was in it just for the physical aspect of things, I'm sure he could get that elsewhere. So why does he spend so much time with me if he doesn't care??

I miss him so much right now. I would give anything to have him lying next to me and holding me tight as I fall asleep. Him stroking my hair and gently kissing me goodnight. I remember the time I spent with him like it was yesterday.

Memories... are bittersweet.