Broken hearted

It's been over 2 months since I last wrote.

I've started writing a couple of times, but there are not enough words to express how I feel.

I saw Mr Special about 2 months ago. We talked, I cried, he left. It's been so difficult for me since... He is dating someone new - whether it's the same girl he took out for Valentine's Day I don't know. All I know is that he is with someone else, and is going on holiday with her later this month.

I am in so much pain. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, in every possible way. And I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Will my feelings ever cease? Will I feel this way about anyone else?

Recently, 2 exes have gotten in touch with me. One from my University days, and the other, not that long before I met Mr Special. This made me feel slightly apprehensive, as I had read in my stars that I would get back together with someone from my past. I'm not an avid believer in astrology but I always take things like that with a pinch of salt. If it fits, then great, and if not, then it's a load of bull anyway.

I've been asked if I want to meet up with the University ex and thus far I have resisted. It would be nice to catch up but I am feeling quite fragile at the moment... and I've managed all these years without seeing him so why rock the boat?

The more recent ex also wants to meet up. I haven't seen him in well over a year. He looks really good... and I have to admit that I really enjoyed our conversations. But I can't help but compare him to Mr Special, and he keeps falling short and I'm not sure why. I feel like I should throw caution to the wind and just see what happens... It could be amazing or it could just be a little awkward. On the other hand, I feel like I'm betraying Mr Special for even just considering going out on a date with someone else. Would it show that my feelings aren't as strong as I thought they were?

I'm in such a mess. I still feel jealous of all my close friends and family who are all coupled up. It's been wedding after wedding - and the Royal Wedding... I want to hate Mr Special for his disregard for my feelings and how he can just move on to someone else, but the sad truth is that I still love him so very much. And so to throw in an ex who I used to like very much... I'm surprised I haven't had a nervous breakdown.

I've had to keep soldiering on these last couple of months... really put a brave face on and pretend that I'm not crumbling up deep down inside. It hurts so much. I know that one day it will hurt less but when will that happen?? I don't want to feel like this because it's exhausting me...

:-(