Let Down...

Mr Special was supposed to call me over the weekend. I heard nothing from him.

It doesn't surprise me though... I guess he is busy with his new girlfriend - too busy to bother with little old me. Why should he invest any more time and effort in me when he doesn't want to date me or be with me? Why put himself through a phonecall where he knows I'll be asking lots of awkward questions?

I know I have no right to ask, or expect that he answers me truthfully. But part of me so desperately wants some answers, to know why, to find out what is so wrong with me that he doesn't see me in his life anymore. To get a sense of closure. To get some sort of understanding in my mind.

But he probably won't tell me... and I've wondered whether knowing will actually gain me anything. Should I just live in ignorant bliss and try to forget him... try to get over the love of my life. Somehow move on...

I don't even know how to start getting over him. I know I'll be okay. I've gotten over other people before. But it does seem to get a bit harder each time... and I don't know if I have the strength in me to do this again. I really had hoped that this time it would work out. That I'd be given a break this time and I'd get my happy ending.

Well, life sucks. I don't have my happy ending. I want to delete him from my Facebook friends and off my contact lists but part of me wants to keep in the loop about what he is up to. Not that it is doing me any good...

I spent my weekend mostly at home. Moping. Trying not to cry in front of anyone. I don't know how long I can hold the floodgates back. I've only told one person that he is seeing someone else... I cannot actually face the thought of telling people that I've got yet another failed relationship behind me.

I just know that people will tell me to get back out there and part of me thinks yes, I should do that. But I think I just need a little bit of time on my own.

I haven't slept well this whole weekend... or eaten very healthily :-( I'm going to try to get back on track with things this week. It's going to be so hard to concentrate properly when all I'll be thinking about is him being on holiday with someone else. I keep thinking back to last September when we spent a magical time together. It probably wasn't wise but I looked through all our holiday photos tonight and the memories... oh the memories, the thoughts, the feelings...

I really do hope that this pain subsides soon.