Loving Somebody...

... means putting their needs first.

I heard this tonight on Eastenders. And it does ring true to me.

I've written Mr Special a letter. It was really therapeutic to write it all down, absolutely everything. And now I'm debating whether to send it or not. All my friends have said that it won't do any good to send it, and that I should take the higher ground and let him be happy. I know that sending it won't make him change his mind or anything like that, but I want him to know how much I'm hurting.

But when I heard that line tonight, it made me think and realise that I should just leave Mr Special alone. I don't need to send him the letter. He knows what he has done, and he has made his bed and so must lie in it and live with the consequences of his choices. As much as it pains me, if this girl makes him happy then I should be happy for him.

I don't want to be happy for him, but I should be. It's the right thing to do. I don't need to stoop to his level and cause hurt.

I can feel a big lump in my throat as I write this. My eyes are welling up. There's a pain in my chest. I don't want to feel this way. But I know that I did nothing wrong. The only thing I am guilty of is falling in love with someone. "You don't get to choose, you just fall"...

I miss him so much. I hate the thought of him being with someone else but there isn't anything I can do about that. I am trying to look after me but sometimes I do wonder what the point is because nobody wants to be with me... I am losing weight as I've lost my appetite... not helped by the fact that the girl he is seeing is super super skinny. He always used to tell me how much he loved my curves and now he's with a stick insect.

Anyway, today is the first day that we've had no contact since that wretched phone call. No chat messages or little emails. Nothing. And I've survived. Surely it can only get easier from here on in. Here's hoping :-)