Disappointed

I'm feeling low. I was meant to see Mr Special today but he ended up having to work late and by the time he finished it was too late. Well, it wasn't too late. I could have gone over to see him but he said he was tired and that he had work to do. I don't know if he really meant that or maybe he just didn't want to see me.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm still seeing him. There is no future there for me - he has moved away to another country and he has been dating other women. Am I secretly hoping that perhaps he'll come to his senses and realise that I'm the one for him? Yes. Is it stupid to hope for this? Again, yes. But for some reason I keep going back to this non-relationship. Because I really really like him, I enjoy spending time with him and going out for dinner and dates.

Some people would say that I should move on from this and let him see me being happy and strong and independent, and maybe that would make me more attractive to him. But why should I deny myself the pleasure of seeing him for such a big gamble? If nothing huge is ever going to happen between us then why can't I enjoy the here and now? Some of my friends have said that while there is nothing wrong with spending time with him, it could be preventing me from meeting someone else. And okay, yes, the evenings that I spend with Mr Special I guess I could be out on the town meeting drunk men in bars?? Hmm... in all honesty, the time I spend with Mr Special has never prevented me from doing other things - very rarely have I turned down something to see him instead. So if I weren't seeing him and not going out, then I'd be at home - and not that many opportunities to meet guys on my doorstep!

Unless you give online dating a whirl... I'll write more about this another day as this is yet another topic of major disappointment for me.

So there you have it... feeling disappointed and dejected and I had noone I could talk about this stuff to - not without some sort of lecture at least. It galls me that my family and close friends who I want to talk to about this stuff are the ones who I can't turn to because they won't just listen, they'll go on about how I shouldn't be seeing him and I shouldn't let him affect me, and yes, I know they only do this because they care, but sometimes I just want a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. Spare me the lectures please.