It's been a slow month since I last wrote. I've not been very well, fighting off an infection and eating far too much. My skin is a disaster zone and I've been really trying to drink more water and to eat more fruits and vegetables to help it. I'm hoping that now the weather has turned a bit warmer and sunnier that it will improve my skin.
I've been slightly obsessed by food while I've been trying to diet. No further weight loss to report but neither have I gained any weight so I'm really happy about that. In the attempts to help my skin, I've been trying to "eat the rainbow" - eating fruits and vegetables of all different colours, not just your typical greens.
I've been really inspired by a couple of cooking shows recently and I've been cooking alot more. I did get a bit lazy earlier this year and relied quite alot on ready prepared foods and packaged foods and, gulp, fast food. But, The Hairy Bikers' Asian Adventure and Mary Berry Cooks have been great shows and I've tried a couple of recipes already.
It's also really inspiring me to go to Asia and explore all these places that I've never been to before. Well, anywhere really. I'd love to go on holiday, but the age old question of where and who to go with stands in the way. Loads of people I know have gone away skiing and snowboarding, and while I love doing that too, I think I need a hot holiday!! Although then I really would have to stick to the diet to get ready for the beach and the dreaded bikini!
Happy eating and watching, folks!
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
Wednesday, 12 February 2014
Valentine's Day
Doesn't time fly when you're having fun? It doesn't really feel like it's been a year since the previous Valentine's Day. I remember this time last year when I was feeling stupidly excited at the prospect of actually spending Valentine's Day as part of a couple. Last year, I went to the effort of buying a card and a thoughtful gift, as well as booking tickets for a show for us to go to. He bought me some chocolates, not a very original choice but a lovely gesture. This year I am very much single and not really looking forward to Friday.
Even this week, in the lead up to the most, supposedly, romantic day of the year, I've been surrounded by red hearts and cards and suggestions of what to buy for your loved one. Of course, I would do some of these things if I had a partner, but I wouldn't necessarily just do them for this day. I like to buy surprise gifts and write cards throughout the year, not just one day. Also, I don't believe that it has to cost a lot of money - something handmade or created by my partner would mean a thousand times more to me than something bought in the shops. And ultimately, I am looking for love, not presents or material things that I can buy for myself or save up for.
I think one of the things that I have missed most while being single, is physical closeness and intimacy. I'm not just talking about sex, but rather the cuddles and hugs, the kisses, the hand holding, brushing the hair back off my face, stroking my back, that sort of thing. I miss being with someone. Even when I am surrounded by all my family and friends there is still an overwhelming sense of loneliness.
Here's hoping for a lovely day for everyone, no matter where you are, or who you're with.
Much love xx
Here's hoping for a lovely day for everyone, no matter where you are, or who you're with.
Much love xx
Friday, 31 January 2014
Kung Hei Fat Choi!
Happy Chinese New Year! Today marks the start of the Year of the Horse.
Today I wore red as that is a lucky colour, I ate noodles as they represent longevity, or long life, I haven't used a broom or dustpan and brush, so as not to sweep any good luck away, and I haven't used any knives or scissors either, which is considered to be bad luck. I'm not particularly superstitious but these are traditional customs that I've grown up with. Also, I figure that I can do with as much luck and good fortune that I can muster for this year!
I can't really believe that it's the end of January already. I've had a pretty good month actually, despite all this cold and rainy weather we've been having. Seriously, can it please stop raining soon? I've managed to have an alcohol-free January apart from 2 nights, one being a good friend's birthday night out and the other was an evening with some other friends. I feel so much better for it, especially as in the run up to Christmas and New Year I was out drinking most nights. Hopefully the break has been good for my liver and overall health.
Speaking of health, although I haven't managed to stick to my diet (in fact today I have already eaten 8 chocolates) I have been really good and have been exercising at least twice a week for the last month. I've lost the weight that I put on over Christmas, and hopefully will now be on track to lose the final 4kg. I know this last bit will be the hardest to lose, but I am determined to get rid of it over the next couple of months. I'm going to up the exercise, and next week, after the Chinese New Year celebrations, get back to being a little bit stricter with the diet. To be honest, I would rather do more exercise and still be able to enjoy my food, but I know that it will help if I can stop eating the chocolates!
I feel like I'm almost ready to go back into the world of dating again. I know I can't let this year pass me by in a haze of moping about and wanting to be with the wrong person again. Hopefully, my self confidence will be boosted with the extra weight loss and going out on social events will put me in the path of other like-minded people. Even if nothing romantic happens, I am going to have fun and enjoy my life because life is short... It's a New Year, New Start, New Me.
Tomorrow I have family celebrations and over the next few months I have lots of lovely special occasions to look forward to. I do wish that I had someone in my life to share these things with, but I know that will happen in time. For now, I am truly thankful and blessed to have my family and friends around me.
To anyone else out there that is feeling a bit down or depressed, things will get better. You just have to believe it, and in yourself.
Wishing everyone a very happy and prosperous Chinese New Year.
Mei x
Today I wore red as that is a lucky colour, I ate noodles as they represent longevity, or long life, I haven't used a broom or dustpan and brush, so as not to sweep any good luck away, and I haven't used any knives or scissors either, which is considered to be bad luck. I'm not particularly superstitious but these are traditional customs that I've grown up with. Also, I figure that I can do with as much luck and good fortune that I can muster for this year!
I can't really believe that it's the end of January already. I've had a pretty good month actually, despite all this cold and rainy weather we've been having. Seriously, can it please stop raining soon? I've managed to have an alcohol-free January apart from 2 nights, one being a good friend's birthday night out and the other was an evening with some other friends. I feel so much better for it, especially as in the run up to Christmas and New Year I was out drinking most nights. Hopefully the break has been good for my liver and overall health.
Speaking of health, although I haven't managed to stick to my diet (in fact today I have already eaten 8 chocolates) I have been really good and have been exercising at least twice a week for the last month. I've lost the weight that I put on over Christmas, and hopefully will now be on track to lose the final 4kg. I know this last bit will be the hardest to lose, but I am determined to get rid of it over the next couple of months. I'm going to up the exercise, and next week, after the Chinese New Year celebrations, get back to being a little bit stricter with the diet. To be honest, I would rather do more exercise and still be able to enjoy my food, but I know that it will help if I can stop eating the chocolates!
I feel like I'm almost ready to go back into the world of dating again. I know I can't let this year pass me by in a haze of moping about and wanting to be with the wrong person again. Hopefully, my self confidence will be boosted with the extra weight loss and going out on social events will put me in the path of other like-minded people. Even if nothing romantic happens, I am going to have fun and enjoy my life because life is short... It's a New Year, New Start, New Me.
Tomorrow I have family celebrations and over the next few months I have lots of lovely special occasions to look forward to. I do wish that I had someone in my life to share these things with, but I know that will happen in time. For now, I am truly thankful and blessed to have my family and friends around me.
To anyone else out there that is feeling a bit down or depressed, things will get better. You just have to believe it, and in yourself.
Wishing everyone a very happy and prosperous Chinese New Year.
Mei x
Tuesday, 21 January 2014
Cirque du Soleil - Quidam
I was lucky enough to get tickets for this show last year and went to see it at the Royal Albert Hall this weekend. I'm a big fan of all the Cirque du Soleil shows, and this was my fourth time. I remember the very first time I went - I was absolutely mesmerised by the amazing acrobatics and aerial displays. The sheer strength and flexibility and skill of the artists. It was truly captivating. I think each time I've seen them since I have still been amazed but slightly less so, as I know what sort of things to expect and what the artists are capable of. Nothing will ever compare to that first experience, when I had no idea what to expect - that had serious WOW factor.
Having said that, I still really enjoyed this year's show. It's on until the 16th February 2014 but I'm not sure how good the ticket availability is now. I booked mine quite early last year and had a super view from the stalls at the front of the stage. I believe that this particular show, Quidam, will not be performed in the UK again so if you get the chance to see it then do!
Having said that, I still really enjoyed this year's show. It's on until the 16th February 2014 but I'm not sure how good the ticket availability is now. I booked mine quite early last year and had a super view from the stalls at the front of the stage. I believe that this particular show, Quidam, will not be performed in the UK again so if you get the chance to see it then do!
Sunday, 5 January 2014
My Latest Lust - Pixi Glow Tonic
Following on from yesterday's posts, I thought I'd share with you something that I did manage to purchase - Pixi Glow Tonic. First of all, I just want to say that by no means am I an expert in skincare or beauty products. I know my own skin type and what suits it, and I have been through many brands and products through trial and error. I'm not being paid or endorsed to blog about this.
Anyway, back to the Glow Tonic. I first discovered this in September 2013 and have been using this for about 3 months, once a day in the evening. The instructions say you can use it twice a day but I found that was a little too much for my skin so I just use it before I go to bed. This product is an exfoliating tonic, and contains Glycolic acid that loosens the dead skin cells. It feels so much gentler on my skin than using abrasive exfoliating scrubs.
The benefits of this product have been raved about on numerous other beauty blogs, which I avidly read before purchasing my first bottle (as said before, I like to do my research before spending money on expensive products) and this caused a huge demand for it. Luckily, I live in London so getting to the one and only Pixi shop is not out of reach. I really do dislike the fact that some people capitalise on this and are selling this on eBay and suchlike, for overly inflated prices.
The exciting news is that the Glow Tonic, and other Pixi products, are now available to buy online! So hopefully this will help everyone have access to these products!
A few thoughts on this - for anyone who has purchased this before, they have now changed the bottle that it comes in from the pump dispenser to a screw on cap. The quantity is still the same though, 250ml for £16. If you like the original pump dispenser (some people do not like the way it squirts out the product and thus causes wastage) then keep the old bottle and you can fill it up from the new bottle. The product is also slightly more red in colour than the old pale yellow tonic - I asked the sales assistant about this and she said that it's just a new batch of stock but exactly the same ingredients.
I used the new bottle last night and am pleased to report that it doesn't feel any different to the old one.
The reason why I went to buy this now, and not when my old bottle is finished, is because there is a 20% off discount code from Caroline Hirons' blog - beauty industry guru who gave a big thumbs up to this product. The code is valid until the 12th January 2014. Unfortunately, at the time of writing the Glow Tonic is listed as out of stock on the website, but when I was in the shop the sales assistant told me that they have a huge backorder which they are trying to mail out. If you want to order one before the promotion ends, I'd recommend ordering over the telephone - you might just have to wait for a few days for it to be posted out to you.
I'm super happy to have bought this as I really like this - at only £16 it's a fraction of what you'd pay for other similar items, but with the added 20% off it's a complete steal.
Anyway, back to the Glow Tonic. I first discovered this in September 2013 and have been using this for about 3 months, once a day in the evening. The instructions say you can use it twice a day but I found that was a little too much for my skin so I just use it before I go to bed. This product is an exfoliating tonic, and contains Glycolic acid that loosens the dead skin cells. It feels so much gentler on my skin than using abrasive exfoliating scrubs.
The benefits of this product have been raved about on numerous other beauty blogs, which I avidly read before purchasing my first bottle (as said before, I like to do my research before spending money on expensive products) and this caused a huge demand for it. Luckily, I live in London so getting to the one and only Pixi shop is not out of reach. I really do dislike the fact that some people capitalise on this and are selling this on eBay and suchlike, for overly inflated prices.
The exciting news is that the Glow Tonic, and other Pixi products, are now available to buy online! So hopefully this will help everyone have access to these products!
A few thoughts on this - for anyone who has purchased this before, they have now changed the bottle that it comes in from the pump dispenser to a screw on cap. The quantity is still the same though, 250ml for £16. If you like the original pump dispenser (some people do not like the way it squirts out the product and thus causes wastage) then keep the old bottle and you can fill it up from the new bottle. The product is also slightly more red in colour than the old pale yellow tonic - I asked the sales assistant about this and she said that it's just a new batch of stock but exactly the same ingredients.
I used the new bottle last night and am pleased to report that it doesn't feel any different to the old one.
The reason why I went to buy this now, and not when my old bottle is finished, is because there is a 20% off discount code from Caroline Hirons' blog - beauty industry guru who gave a big thumbs up to this product. The code is valid until the 12th January 2014. Unfortunately, at the time of writing the Glow Tonic is listed as out of stock on the website, but when I was in the shop the sales assistant told me that they have a huge backorder which they are trying to mail out. If you want to order one before the promotion ends, I'd recommend ordering over the telephone - you might just have to wait for a few days for it to be posted out to you.
I'm super happy to have bought this as I really like this - at only £16 it's a fraction of what you'd pay for other similar items, but with the added 20% off it's a complete steal.
Saturday, 4 January 2014
Warning - Orogold Cosmetics
Today I was making the most of my last Saturday off before going back to work after the festive holidays. I went to Oxford Street. Was I out of my mind? Quite possibly. I went with the intention of having a look at the sales and picking up some bargains but the crowds of people were really annoying and I couldn't find anything in my size so I gave up. I ended up wandering down New Bond Street, which was considerably less crowded, and with the rain starting up again, I found myself strolling along quite happily until a man suddenly said to me, 'Would you like a sample of our face cream?' and thrust a small white sachet into my hand.
I was quite startled, but as I love skincare products and toiletries, I was immediately intrigued. I looked up at the shop and didn't recognise the name, Orogold. The salesman had already started talking to me and complimenting me on my skin and asked if I would like to try the product. I should have said no, but as I wasn't busy, I thought why not and followed him into the very empty shop. He demonstrated this exfoliating peel on my hand, which seemed very impressive as it appeared to rub off loads of dead skin, and followed this with a moisturiser. Then, the hard sell - the products were beautifully packaged and came with a hefty price tag - £100 and £129 respectively for the exfoliator and moisturiser. I immediately said no, as that is way out of my price budget, and as I have very sensitive skin, I never buy anything too expensive without thorough research and sampling.
His initial response to my negative answer was, you're shopping on Bond Street, it can't be too expensive for you. Then he tried to lower the prices of the products and offering me special discounted deals if I bought certain bundles of products. Again, I kept saying no. He even took 2 boxes over to the till to show me the special amazing price I'd pay today. When I tried to leave, he showed me their 'salon' where customers have facials and beauty treatments and tried to talk me into having a half price facial.
He was very pushy and rude, trying to make out that he was offering me something really special that is not offered to all customers. He was certainly very complimentary, and I do understand that he is a salesman and this is his job, but that made me even more determined not to buy anything from him, or this brand ever.
When I got home, I searched on the internet for reviews about this brand, and I've come across mixed reviews. There are glowing reports extolling the virtues of these creams and lotions, and then there are some downright scary reviews, which makes me feel sorry for customers who got sucked into buying these products. The exfoliating peel apparently contains some kind of glue like ingredient, which doesn't take a scientist to figure out that what happens is similar to when you were a kid playing with PVA glue sticking things together and a bit almost dries on your skin and you rub it off and it's a little ball of gluey stuff. I'm not saying it's not a good product, but to be honest I'd rather save my £100 and spend a little on something else that is about the product and not the packaging and most of all, does not pay the pushy and aggressive salespeople that work for this brand.
So be warned not to get sucked into these shops, or engage in conversation with these salespeople. I've read a number of horror stories now and am glad that I managed to get out of the shop without buying anything. I did not expect these kinds of aggressive sales tactics from such an alleged high end brand, with a shop on New Bond Street! You have been warned!
I was quite startled, but as I love skincare products and toiletries, I was immediately intrigued. I looked up at the shop and didn't recognise the name, Orogold. The salesman had already started talking to me and complimenting me on my skin and asked if I would like to try the product. I should have said no, but as I wasn't busy, I thought why not and followed him into the very empty shop. He demonstrated this exfoliating peel on my hand, which seemed very impressive as it appeared to rub off loads of dead skin, and followed this with a moisturiser. Then, the hard sell - the products were beautifully packaged and came with a hefty price tag - £100 and £129 respectively for the exfoliator and moisturiser. I immediately said no, as that is way out of my price budget, and as I have very sensitive skin, I never buy anything too expensive without thorough research and sampling.
His initial response to my negative answer was, you're shopping on Bond Street, it can't be too expensive for you. Then he tried to lower the prices of the products and offering me special discounted deals if I bought certain bundles of products. Again, I kept saying no. He even took 2 boxes over to the till to show me the special amazing price I'd pay today. When I tried to leave, he showed me their 'salon' where customers have facials and beauty treatments and tried to talk me into having a half price facial.
He was very pushy and rude, trying to make out that he was offering me something really special that is not offered to all customers. He was certainly very complimentary, and I do understand that he is a salesman and this is his job, but that made me even more determined not to buy anything from him, or this brand ever.
When I got home, I searched on the internet for reviews about this brand, and I've come across mixed reviews. There are glowing reports extolling the virtues of these creams and lotions, and then there are some downright scary reviews, which makes me feel sorry for customers who got sucked into buying these products. The exfoliating peel apparently contains some kind of glue like ingredient, which doesn't take a scientist to figure out that what happens is similar to when you were a kid playing with PVA glue sticking things together and a bit almost dries on your skin and you rub it off and it's a little ball of gluey stuff. I'm not saying it's not a good product, but to be honest I'd rather save my £100 and spend a little on something else that is about the product and not the packaging and most of all, does not pay the pushy and aggressive salespeople that work for this brand.
So be warned not to get sucked into these shops, or engage in conversation with these salespeople. I've read a number of horror stories now and am glad that I managed to get out of the shop without buying anything. I did not expect these kinds of aggressive sales tactics from such an alleged high end brand, with a shop on New Bond Street! You have been warned!
Happy New Year
Happy New Year!!! Hope everyone had a lovely Christmas and New Year. Mine was spent in a family haze of too much food, films and fun. Now I'm back in London, getting ready for the return to work on Monday - booooo - I just know that I'm going to regret my newfound love of staying up late and getting up late.
Anyway, as always, with the start of a new year, thoughts turn to resolutions and the usual hopes that this year I'll stick to my intentions of not drinking, eating less, doing more exercise, blah blah blah. I'm not going to formally make resolutions as every year I always break them. But I do intend on making the most of myself and this year. Last year was pretty crappy and I hope that this year will bring happier times.
Much love to everyone x
Anyway, as always, with the start of a new year, thoughts turn to resolutions and the usual hopes that this year I'll stick to my intentions of not drinking, eating less, doing more exercise, blah blah blah. I'm not going to formally make resolutions as every year I always break them. But I do intend on making the most of myself and this year. Last year was pretty crappy and I hope that this year will bring happier times.
Much love to everyone x
Friday, 11 October 2013
Real versus Imagined Heartbreak
I have had my fair share of heartbreak over the years, real heart wrenching anguish when all of my relationships have ended. I've never been the one to do the breaking up, always been on the receiving end. So I think I'm pretty experienced in this.
In the last couple of weeks, I've heard stories from friends about their love lives. Don't get me wrong, I have alot of time for my friends and want to help them in any way that I can. And I also understand and appreciate that different people deal with things in different ways. But in two instances, I really want to just say to them to pull themselves together and stop making a mountain out of a molehill.
One friend, who I only recently got to know, was telling me how she'd ended things with this guy who I thought she was dating. As she described what had happened, it transpired that they had never dated, had just met through work and had messaged each other a few times. They had tried to arrange a date but it never happened. This went on for a few months, until she decided that enough was enough and that she wasn't going to waste anymore time on him. She went on about him at length, questioning his motives and whether there was something wrong with him, and how upset she was at how he has treated her. I agreed that she shouldn't waste anymore effort on him, as I am a firm believer that if someone is interested in you, then no matter what, they will make the effort to contact you and see you, and not make flimsy excuses.
What I really wanted to say, but felt that I couldn't say, because I don't know her very well and I didn't want to offend her, is why all the fuss about someone where nothing happened? They were not dating or in a relationship, they were not friends as they met through work and have a professional relationship of sorts, but nothing ever really took off. How can you end things when they didn't even technically start?! And you can't even call it a crush as to begin with, she had rejected his offer of a date!
The other friend, was definitely suffering from a crush, unrequited love... She is the same age as me, and as far as I can tell, has never been in a long term relationship before. For the past couple of years, yes, years, she has been mooning over a boy in her department. Again, they never dated or even had the slightest whiff of a romantic involvement. Recently, she found out that the guy in question is now engaged to someone else, and she is berating herself for being so silly and wasting time on him, and saying how now she can look back and say he wasn't the guy for her. Err, hello! I could've told her this two years ago!!
I don't understand how some girls can get so caught up in something imaginary. I'm trying really hard to be objective here, as I know it's not nice to be rejected or know that someone you like doesn't like you back. However, this second friend had obviously misconstrued something in her head, as she and the boy had never even spent time alone chatting to each other, or even going out socially together. Anything that happened was just circumstantial from them being in the same department.
I'm not trying to say that their hurt is any less than mine, but it is a little frustrating they are making it into such a big deal. I am struggling to keep my emotions in check because the man I love doesn't want to be with me, after making such wonderful promises and actually dating and being with me. The others had never been on a date with the person, had not even been alone with that person for a prolonged period of time, had never put themselves out there to even get hurt. I would understand more if they had gone out a couple of times and then the guy decided that it wasn't right but the girl still liked them...
Am I being too harsh? Am I just being a bitch? I just don't get it. I know it's easy for me as an outsider to say this, and they have real feelings for these people, but when they tell me that nothing actually happened, and they act like it's the biggest heartbreak on Earth, I just want them to feel what I am currently feeling, and maybe then they'd know what true heartbreak is...
Saturday, 5 October 2013
Another year older...
... But not necessarily wiser.
I can't believe it's been another year. I started off with such good intentions of regularly blogging but I have been rubbish.
When I last blogged, I had just been on a few dates with the older man I'd previously dated. However, after I found out that he was still active in the online dating world, I ended that pretty sharpish and I haven't spoken to or seen him since. I found that really easy to let go of, as a couple of weeks later I met a new guy, let's call him Mr Sporty, as he loves watching and playing sport, and things snowballed from a few conversations to our magical first date, to him giving me keys to his flat, mini-breaks away and what I thought to be a very promising relationship. Unfortunately, that ended in April this year, and since then I've been fighting a losing battle to get over him.
Since turning the ripe old age of 33, I've been making more of a concerted effort to forget about Mr Sporty, but I had a setback last night when I saw that he had befriended a girl on Facebook. Yes, my nemesis Facebook. I love it, but I also hate it, and I haven't had the strength to remove him from my list of friends. It may be a completely innocent friend, or it might be a new lady interest. Either way, it really upset me and I went to bed crying and didn't sleep very well.
I know I have to get over him, it's been almost 6 months since we broke up and I've not moved on. I had hoped that things could be resolved, but as more time passes it seems less likely. I've not actually seen him for almost 2 months, and I think our last conversation was about a month ago. It has been really hard to not talk to him, or contact him in any way. I thought it was hard with Mr Special, but this time round it seems to have been even harder. Every time even the smallest thing makes me want to text him, or call him. We used to spend hours on the phone, and now it's nothing.
Wow, I really have not moved on in my life in a year. Two steps forward and 3 steps back... I am, to quote my own words, pining after someone who doesn't want to be with me.
Okay, now that I have admitted, yet again, in a public forum no less, what a loser I am, this is the end of this crap year. Things are going to get better, starting from now. The first day of the rest of my life.
Go me :-)
I can't believe it's been another year. I started off with such good intentions of regularly blogging but I have been rubbish.
When I last blogged, I had just been on a few dates with the older man I'd previously dated. However, after I found out that he was still active in the online dating world, I ended that pretty sharpish and I haven't spoken to or seen him since. I found that really easy to let go of, as a couple of weeks later I met a new guy, let's call him Mr Sporty, as he loves watching and playing sport, and things snowballed from a few conversations to our magical first date, to him giving me keys to his flat, mini-breaks away and what I thought to be a very promising relationship. Unfortunately, that ended in April this year, and since then I've been fighting a losing battle to get over him.
Since turning the ripe old age of 33, I've been making more of a concerted effort to forget about Mr Sporty, but I had a setback last night when I saw that he had befriended a girl on Facebook. Yes, my nemesis Facebook. I love it, but I also hate it, and I haven't had the strength to remove him from my list of friends. It may be a completely innocent friend, or it might be a new lady interest. Either way, it really upset me and I went to bed crying and didn't sleep very well.
I know I have to get over him, it's been almost 6 months since we broke up and I've not moved on. I had hoped that things could be resolved, but as more time passes it seems less likely. I've not actually seen him for almost 2 months, and I think our last conversation was about a month ago. It has been really hard to not talk to him, or contact him in any way. I thought it was hard with Mr Special, but this time round it seems to have been even harder. Every time even the smallest thing makes me want to text him, or call him. We used to spend hours on the phone, and now it's nothing.
Wow, I really have not moved on in my life in a year. Two steps forward and 3 steps back... I am, to quote my own words, pining after someone who doesn't want to be with me.
Okay, now that I have admitted, yet again, in a public forum no less, what a loser I am, this is the end of this crap year. Things are going to get better, starting from now. The first day of the rest of my life.
Go me :-)
Wednesday, 31 October 2012
Happy Halloween!
I had a Halloween party at the weekend and have another one to go to tomorrow night, but nothing planned for the actual night tonight. To be honest, I'm quite glad to have a night in! There were a few kids on the bus ride home tonight dressed up, and I passed a family trick-or-treating on the road next to my road, but apart from that, I've not had any Halloween goings-ons! No kids have rung on my doorbell, but I think that is due to living in a top floor flat :-)
So... I went on the date last week and had a very nice time. Really nice time. But I'm still in a quandary over what to do about his being on a dating site. I guess given that we are not in a serious committed relationship then I cannot say anything. But I do feel weird that he is communicating with and dating other girls while seeing me. We have made tentative arrangements to see each other this weekend.
I think I will just have to see if anything comes of dating this guy. I don't want to call it a day just yet, so watch this space!
In other news, I went to see the new James Bond movie, Skyfall, on Sunday. It is, without a shadow of a doubt, the best film I have seen this year! No spoilers, but it has lots of action, humour, emotion, charm... just SO good. I know it has pretty much been a sellout but do go soon if you have the chance. I am going to go again, it was that good it warrants a second viewing!
Happy Halloween x
So... I went on the date last week and had a very nice time. Really nice time. But I'm still in a quandary over what to do about his being on a dating site. I guess given that we are not in a serious committed relationship then I cannot say anything. But I do feel weird that he is communicating with and dating other girls while seeing me. We have made tentative arrangements to see each other this weekend.
I think I will just have to see if anything comes of dating this guy. I don't want to call it a day just yet, so watch this space!
In other news, I went to see the new James Bond movie, Skyfall, on Sunday. It is, without a shadow of a doubt, the best film I have seen this year! No spoilers, but it has lots of action, humour, emotion, charm... just SO good. I know it has pretty much been a sellout but do go soon if you have the chance. I am going to go again, it was that good it warrants a second viewing!
Happy Halloween x
Tuesday, 23 October 2012
Holding On
A few months ago, I was in a relationship with an older man, and I thought things were going pretty well. I was really enjoying getting to know him and spend time with him, when something quite big happened that was out of our control, but it meant that he and I ended our relationship. Anyway, over the last couple of months he and I have been in touch, and a few weeks ago we met up. It was a really lovely evening and I went home feeling happy and wondering whether things could be rekindled.
We are seeing each other again tomorrow. And up until about 20 minutes ago, I was looking forward to it and thinking, maybe tomorrow we'll have a proper talk and decide whether we want to continue seeing each other in a serious manner.
As you know, I've been on various dating websites in the past, but for over a year now I've not been a subscribed member. Tonight, I logged on with the intention of deleting my account, seeing as I'm not able to use it properly unless I pay some extortionate fee, and the fact that I had met someone outside of the dating website, made me think I could get rid of it as I have no intention of using it again.
Imagine my surprise, and horror, and shock... when I saw the guy I am meant to be seeing tomorrow ONLINE and updating his details?!?!? It makes me wonder whether he was using the dating website the whole time we were dating... and more to the point, if he is actively on it and seeing me tomorrow, then he is not serious about me in any way, shape or form.
It makes me feel like an idiot that I've been holding on to this idea that we might get back together. I feel like an idiot most of the time anyway when it comes to men. A teeny part of me still holds out for Mr Special... and I thought that moving on and being with other people would help, and in doing so I found someone that I genuinely liked. And now, I have to come to terms with the fact that he isn't serious about me, I don't know why he wants to go on a date, and I feel like a fool.
Okay, I probably do know why he wants to see me - it's probably a booty call... But I am not going to fall for that or let myself get used. I am worth so much more than that!
I am feeling generally a bit down on men at the moment anyway... but I had hopes and now they've been dashed. Perhaps I was holding on to something that wasn't real because it was easier than dealing with the harsh reality that he doesn't feel the same way?
I'm still going to see him tomorrow, and see how the evening pans out. I don't think I have the wrong idea about him as he uploaded a new photo onto his dating profile, one that I know for a fact is a recent photo. Who knows what tomorrow may bring... I have to keep holding on to hope and love, and let go of bad men.
We are seeing each other again tomorrow. And up until about 20 minutes ago, I was looking forward to it and thinking, maybe tomorrow we'll have a proper talk and decide whether we want to continue seeing each other in a serious manner.
As you know, I've been on various dating websites in the past, but for over a year now I've not been a subscribed member. Tonight, I logged on with the intention of deleting my account, seeing as I'm not able to use it properly unless I pay some extortionate fee, and the fact that I had met someone outside of the dating website, made me think I could get rid of it as I have no intention of using it again.
Imagine my surprise, and horror, and shock... when I saw the guy I am meant to be seeing tomorrow ONLINE and updating his details?!?!? It makes me wonder whether he was using the dating website the whole time we were dating... and more to the point, if he is actively on it and seeing me tomorrow, then he is not serious about me in any way, shape or form.
It makes me feel like an idiot that I've been holding on to this idea that we might get back together. I feel like an idiot most of the time anyway when it comes to men. A teeny part of me still holds out for Mr Special... and I thought that moving on and being with other people would help, and in doing so I found someone that I genuinely liked. And now, I have to come to terms with the fact that he isn't serious about me, I don't know why he wants to go on a date, and I feel like a fool.
Okay, I probably do know why he wants to see me - it's probably a booty call... But I am not going to fall for that or let myself get used. I am worth so much more than that!
I am feeling generally a bit down on men at the moment anyway... but I had hopes and now they've been dashed. Perhaps I was holding on to something that wasn't real because it was easier than dealing with the harsh reality that he doesn't feel the same way?
I'm still going to see him tomorrow, and see how the evening pans out. I don't think I have the wrong idea about him as he uploaded a new photo onto his dating profile, one that I know for a fact is a recent photo. Who knows what tomorrow may bring... I have to keep holding on to hope and love, and let go of bad men.
Wednesday, 10 October 2012
Weekend Art
I meant to blog this sooner but time got the better of me... but I wanted to share this before the end of the exhibition. I went to see Edvard Munch: The Modern Eye at the Tate Modern at the weekend, and it closes on the 14th October, so there's only a few days left!
It was an unplanned visit but I really enjoyed it. I'm not a huge art lover and I don't go to many cultural things, but when I do I surprise myself by liking it - I should remember this and make more of an effort... I like going to places like the Science Museum and the Natural History Museum, but I don't tend to go to many arty things.
Anyway, my friend and I decided to go and I have to confess that beyond 'The Scream' I am not really familiar with Munch's work. Wow. It was a really interesting experience to see all these wonderful paintings - although I was disappointed that 'The Scream' was not there!! Munch used to paint lots of copies of the same painting, to sell to various people or show in exhibits, and also would re-work the piece each time, so there is quite alot of repetition in his work. But when you look closely at the detail, you realise that each painting is unique and can convey a different story or message, even though a fleeting glance would tell you that it is the same painting.
It got me thinking about life, about guys that I've dated and had relationships with... Each time I embark on a new journey I think that I won't make the same mistakes again, that I can make a different story, much like having a second chance at painting something, to make it better than the last attempt.
I think Munch was much more successful at that than I am!
Anyway, if you're in London over the next few days, I can highly recommend going to see this exhibit.
Take care
M
Saturday, 6 October 2012
Another Year...
I cannot believe how quickly time flies... Time flies when you're having fun, right?!
I wish I could tell you that I've found the love of my life, that I'm happily married and had kids or had some kind of happily ever after, but I haven't. The quest to find true love still lives on, and I won't give up until I find it.
The last year and a bit has been full of highs and lows... The last time I posted I was just getting over S. S has been in a relationship for the past year now so obviously he and I weren't meant to be. Shame as I did genuinely like him. Since then, there have been a few internet dates and an almost serious relationship, but that ended with a few fireworks and the loss of a good friend.
High points - well, this year I finally got my ass on the property ladder! Which, as a singleton, is no mean feat in London. It's been quite tough and my flat is still not completely furnished but I love it, it's all mine, my very own space to do with what I will. It's been a bit of an eye-opener really, having to contend with decorating and DIY on my own. Very proud that I have managed stuff like changing fuses and getting rid of giant spiders without assistance!
I'm going to try and blog more regularly but for now, it's goodnight and time to get some beauty sleep as I have a huge zit on my chin :-(
It feels good to be back!
Goodnight all x
I wish I could tell you that I've found the love of my life, that I'm happily married and had kids or had some kind of happily ever after, but I haven't. The quest to find true love still lives on, and I won't give up until I find it.
The last year and a bit has been full of highs and lows... The last time I posted I was just getting over S. S has been in a relationship for the past year now so obviously he and I weren't meant to be. Shame as I did genuinely like him. Since then, there have been a few internet dates and an almost serious relationship, but that ended with a few fireworks and the loss of a good friend.
High points - well, this year I finally got my ass on the property ladder! Which, as a singleton, is no mean feat in London. It's been quite tough and my flat is still not completely furnished but I love it, it's all mine, my very own space to do with what I will. It's been a bit of an eye-opener really, having to contend with decorating and DIY on my own. Very proud that I have managed stuff like changing fuses and getting rid of giant spiders without assistance!
I'm going to try and blog more regularly but for now, it's goodnight and time to get some beauty sleep as I have a huge zit on my chin :-(
It feels good to be back!
Goodnight all x
Sunday, 7 August 2011
The End of Mr Special
Well, folks, it had to happen sooner or later. I've finally said goodbye to Mr Special. It's taken me a long time to get to this stage, and I have someone to thank for helping me find the strength to do so. I met S at the beginning of June and it was like a breath of fresh air. He made me feel special and beautiful and attractive - suffice to say things with S have not gone the way I'd hoped - I'm back to square one again - but for 6 short weeks he showed me that there is life after Mr Special.
It took me a long time to tell Mr Special that I felt that we could not communicate any longer. I know it's for the best, but it broke my heart all over again to write those words and then send that message to him. He replied that he missed me, which really messed me up again, but hopefully now it'll get easier.
I'm now dealing with the aftermath of S. We had 7 dates. Short but sweet. Was he the guy I could spend the rest of my life with? I don't know... He hasn't given us enough of a chance to find out. All I know is that I really liked him, and it took alot for me to even admit that. I was scared by how much I liked him, but I took a chance on him, and it has backfired.
I also saw my recent ex... and his girlfriend. It was not a pleasant experience.
Wow... reading back on this entry makes me really wonder whether I am ever destined to meet someone who feels the same way about me. Or do I expect too much too soon? I know that I really enjoyed my dates with S, and I didn't want that to end. I don't know if I wanted things to progress into a super serious committed relationship, but now the option has been cruelly taken away from me.
Throw into this confusing mix a potential meet up with the first love of my life, H. I don't know whether we will meet up, but he is due back in the UK next week.
Life is never easy, I know. People keep telling me at least S didn't string me along for months or years... and yes I am grateful it ended now rather than months down the line. But I am pretty fed up of all the silver linings that I've encountered over the years... I want the bright, beautiful sunny days - no more clouds and their silver linings. Pah.
Thursday, 26 May 2011
Loving Somebody...
... means putting their needs first.
I heard this tonight on Eastenders. And it does ring true to me.
I've written Mr Special a letter. It was really therapeutic to write it all down, absolutely everything. And now I'm debating whether to send it or not. All my friends have said that it won't do any good to send it, and that I should take the higher ground and let him be happy. I know that sending it won't make him change his mind or anything like that, but I want him to know how much I'm hurting.
But when I heard that line tonight, it made me think and realise that I should just leave Mr Special alone. I don't need to send him the letter. He knows what he has done, and he has made his bed and so must lie in it and live with the consequences of his choices. As much as it pains me, if this girl makes him happy then I should be happy for him.
I don't want to be happy for him, but I should be. It's the right thing to do. I don't need to stoop to his level and cause hurt.
I can feel a big lump in my throat as I write this. My eyes are welling up. There's a pain in my chest. I don't want to feel this way. But I know that I did nothing wrong. The only thing I am guilty of is falling in love with someone. "You don't get to choose, you just fall"...
I miss him so much. I hate the thought of him being with someone else but there isn't anything I can do about that. I am trying to look after me but sometimes I do wonder what the point is because nobody wants to be with me... I am losing weight as I've lost my appetite... not helped by the fact that the girl he is seeing is super super skinny. He always used to tell me how much he loved my curves and now he's with a stick insect.
Anyway, today is the first day that we've had no contact since that wretched phone call. No chat messages or little emails. Nothing. And I've survived. Surely it can only get easier from here on in. Here's hoping :-)
I heard this tonight on Eastenders. And it does ring true to me.
I've written Mr Special a letter. It was really therapeutic to write it all down, absolutely everything. And now I'm debating whether to send it or not. All my friends have said that it won't do any good to send it, and that I should take the higher ground and let him be happy. I know that sending it won't make him change his mind or anything like that, but I want him to know how much I'm hurting.
But when I heard that line tonight, it made me think and realise that I should just leave Mr Special alone. I don't need to send him the letter. He knows what he has done, and he has made his bed and so must lie in it and live with the consequences of his choices. As much as it pains me, if this girl makes him happy then I should be happy for him.
I don't want to be happy for him, but I should be. It's the right thing to do. I don't need to stoop to his level and cause hurt.
I can feel a big lump in my throat as I write this. My eyes are welling up. There's a pain in my chest. I don't want to feel this way. But I know that I did nothing wrong. The only thing I am guilty of is falling in love with someone. "You don't get to choose, you just fall"...
I miss him so much. I hate the thought of him being with someone else but there isn't anything I can do about that. I am trying to look after me but sometimes I do wonder what the point is because nobody wants to be with me... I am losing weight as I've lost my appetite... not helped by the fact that the girl he is seeing is super super skinny. He always used to tell me how much he loved my curves and now he's with a stick insect.
Anyway, today is the first day that we've had no contact since that wretched phone call. No chat messages or little emails. Nothing. And I've survived. Surely it can only get easier from here on in. Here's hoping :-)
Monday, 23 May 2011
"Someone Like You"
I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,
You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead.
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,
You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead.
These are the lyrics from Adele's song, "Someone Like You". I've been listening to this so much these last few days because it just sums up how I feel. I do want Mr Special to be happy, even if it's not with me. I hate it though... and it bloody does hurt like hell.
One day he will find that special someone, if it's not already the girl he is seeing. I am so jealous of her. What does she have or what does she give him that I cannot? They appear to have had a very nice holiday together - he returned this weekend just gone and had no hesitation in posting up photos on Facebook. Another nail in the coffin. Another reason for why I wish I had the strength in me to delete him from my Facebook account. There were a few coupley shots that tore at my heartstrings...
We have not really spoken these last few weeks while he's been away. And I thought I was doing okay, but I'm not. I cried today for no apparent reason. I know it will take time, but I don't want to keep wasting time. This weekend was the 5th anniversary of my Uncle's death. It made me look back and realise that I've had this blog for well over a year now and I haven't really achieved much in that time, except go on about Mr Special. I wrote about my Uncle this time last year, and nothing much has changed... I don't feel like I've moved forward much at all.
And I only have myself to blame. But I just feel so stuck in this vortex of feelings that I can't control. I don't want to fast forward a year and still be writing about how I'm pining for someone who doesn't want to be with me. I wish I could see light at the end of the tunnel but it's still so dark for me.
I was in a shop over the weekend and was looking at something near the racks of reading glasses. There was an elderly couple there trying on glasses. The gentleman found some that he liked, and his wife asked if he could see properly out of them. He replied that now he could see how beautiful she was. It made me smile inside. I want someone who will be sweet and kind and do everything in their power to make me smile.
It gives me hope that I will, someday, find someone like you Mr Special, but they won't want to hurt me.
Monday, 9 May 2011
Let Down...
Mr Special was supposed to call me over the weekend. I heard nothing from him.
It doesn't surprise me though... I guess he is busy with his new girlfriend - too busy to bother with little old me. Why should he invest any more time and effort in me when he doesn't want to date me or be with me? Why put himself through a phonecall where he knows I'll be asking lots of awkward questions?
I know I have no right to ask, or expect that he answers me truthfully. But part of me so desperately wants some answers, to know why, to find out what is so wrong with me that he doesn't see me in his life anymore. To get a sense of closure. To get some sort of understanding in my mind.
But he probably won't tell me... and I've wondered whether knowing will actually gain me anything. Should I just live in ignorant bliss and try to forget him... try to get over the love of my life. Somehow move on...
I don't even know how to start getting over him. I know I'll be okay. I've gotten over other people before. But it does seem to get a bit harder each time... and I don't know if I have the strength in me to do this again. I really had hoped that this time it would work out. That I'd be given a break this time and I'd get my happy ending.
Well, life sucks. I don't have my happy ending. I want to delete him from my Facebook friends and off my contact lists but part of me wants to keep in the loop about what he is up to. Not that it is doing me any good...
I spent my weekend mostly at home. Moping. Trying not to cry in front of anyone. I don't know how long I can hold the floodgates back. I've only told one person that he is seeing someone else... I cannot actually face the thought of telling people that I've got yet another failed relationship behind me.
I just know that people will tell me to get back out there and part of me thinks yes, I should do that. But I think I just need a little bit of time on my own.
I haven't slept well this whole weekend... or eaten very healthily :-( I'm going to try to get back on track with things this week. It's going to be so hard to concentrate properly when all I'll be thinking about is him being on holiday with someone else. I keep thinking back to last September when we spent a magical time together. It probably wasn't wise but I looked through all our holiday photos tonight and the memories... oh the memories, the thoughts, the feelings...
I really do hope that this pain subsides soon.
It doesn't surprise me though... I guess he is busy with his new girlfriend - too busy to bother with little old me. Why should he invest any more time and effort in me when he doesn't want to date me or be with me? Why put himself through a phonecall where he knows I'll be asking lots of awkward questions?
I know I have no right to ask, or expect that he answers me truthfully. But part of me so desperately wants some answers, to know why, to find out what is so wrong with me that he doesn't see me in his life anymore. To get a sense of closure. To get some sort of understanding in my mind.
But he probably won't tell me... and I've wondered whether knowing will actually gain me anything. Should I just live in ignorant bliss and try to forget him... try to get over the love of my life. Somehow move on...
I don't even know how to start getting over him. I know I'll be okay. I've gotten over other people before. But it does seem to get a bit harder each time... and I don't know if I have the strength in me to do this again. I really had hoped that this time it would work out. That I'd be given a break this time and I'd get my happy ending.
Well, life sucks. I don't have my happy ending. I want to delete him from my Facebook friends and off my contact lists but part of me wants to keep in the loop about what he is up to. Not that it is doing me any good...
I spent my weekend mostly at home. Moping. Trying not to cry in front of anyone. I don't know how long I can hold the floodgates back. I've only told one person that he is seeing someone else... I cannot actually face the thought of telling people that I've got yet another failed relationship behind me.
I just know that people will tell me to get back out there and part of me thinks yes, I should do that. But I think I just need a little bit of time on my own.
I haven't slept well this whole weekend... or eaten very healthily :-( I'm going to try to get back on track with things this week. It's going to be so hard to concentrate properly when all I'll be thinking about is him being on holiday with someone else. I keep thinking back to last September when we spent a magical time together. It probably wasn't wise but I looked through all our holiday photos tonight and the memories... oh the memories, the thoughts, the feelings...
I really do hope that this pain subsides soon.
Friday, 6 May 2011
Broken hearted
It's been over 2 months since I last wrote.
I've started writing a couple of times, but there are not enough words to express how I feel.
I saw Mr Special about 2 months ago. We talked, I cried, he left. It's been so difficult for me since... He is dating someone new - whether it's the same girl he took out for Valentine's Day I don't know. All I know is that he is with someone else, and is going on holiday with her later this month.
I am in so much pain. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, in every possible way. And I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Will my feelings ever cease? Will I feel this way about anyone else?
Recently, 2 exes have gotten in touch with me. One from my University days, and the other, not that long before I met Mr Special. This made me feel slightly apprehensive, as I had read in my stars that I would get back together with someone from my past. I'm not an avid believer in astrology but I always take things like that with a pinch of salt. If it fits, then great, and if not, then it's a load of bull anyway.
I've been asked if I want to meet up with the University ex and thus far I have resisted. It would be nice to catch up but I am feeling quite fragile at the moment... and I've managed all these years without seeing him so why rock the boat?
The more recent ex also wants to meet up. I haven't seen him in well over a year. He looks really good... and I have to admit that I really enjoyed our conversations. But I can't help but compare him to Mr Special, and he keeps falling short and I'm not sure why. I feel like I should throw caution to the wind and just see what happens... It could be amazing or it could just be a little awkward. On the other hand, I feel like I'm betraying Mr Special for even just considering going out on a date with someone else. Would it show that my feelings aren't as strong as I thought they were?
I'm in such a mess. I still feel jealous of all my close friends and family who are all coupled up. It's been wedding after wedding - and the Royal Wedding... I want to hate Mr Special for his disregard for my feelings and how he can just move on to someone else, but the sad truth is that I still love him so very much. And so to throw in an ex who I used to like very much... I'm surprised I haven't had a nervous breakdown.
I've had to keep soldiering on these last couple of months... really put a brave face on and pretend that I'm not crumbling up deep down inside. It hurts so much. I know that one day it will hurt less but when will that happen?? I don't want to feel like this because it's exhausting me...
:-(
I've started writing a couple of times, but there are not enough words to express how I feel.
I saw Mr Special about 2 months ago. We talked, I cried, he left. It's been so difficult for me since... He is dating someone new - whether it's the same girl he took out for Valentine's Day I don't know. All I know is that he is with someone else, and is going on holiday with her later this month.
I am in so much pain. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, in every possible way. And I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Will my feelings ever cease? Will I feel this way about anyone else?
Recently, 2 exes have gotten in touch with me. One from my University days, and the other, not that long before I met Mr Special. This made me feel slightly apprehensive, as I had read in my stars that I would get back together with someone from my past. I'm not an avid believer in astrology but I always take things like that with a pinch of salt. If it fits, then great, and if not, then it's a load of bull anyway.
I've been asked if I want to meet up with the University ex and thus far I have resisted. It would be nice to catch up but I am feeling quite fragile at the moment... and I've managed all these years without seeing him so why rock the boat?
The more recent ex also wants to meet up. I haven't seen him in well over a year. He looks really good... and I have to admit that I really enjoyed our conversations. But I can't help but compare him to Mr Special, and he keeps falling short and I'm not sure why. I feel like I should throw caution to the wind and just see what happens... It could be amazing or it could just be a little awkward. On the other hand, I feel like I'm betraying Mr Special for even just considering going out on a date with someone else. Would it show that my feelings aren't as strong as I thought they were?
I'm in such a mess. I still feel jealous of all my close friends and family who are all coupled up. It's been wedding after wedding - and the Royal Wedding... I want to hate Mr Special for his disregard for my feelings and how he can just move on to someone else, but the sad truth is that I still love him so very much. And so to throw in an ex who I used to like very much... I'm surprised I haven't had a nervous breakdown.
I've had to keep soldiering on these last couple of months... really put a brave face on and pretend that I'm not crumbling up deep down inside. It hurts so much. I know that one day it will hurt less but when will that happen?? I don't want to feel like this because it's exhausting me...
:-(
Sunday, 27 February 2011
Valentine Blues
I had intended on writing a post on Valentine's Day, but the last couple of weeks have been really tough. I had a fantastic holiday, and then came back to the news that I have to go into hospital for a minor procedure in a month or so. I've been quite worried about it, even though rationally I know there is nothing to be worried about. I just have to grit my teeth and get it over and done with. I haven't even been able to bring myself to tell anyone about it. I think I will, but perhaps a bit closer to the time.
The other reason is that I found out Mr Special took someone out for dinner on Valentine's Day. I had jokingly asked whether he had a date for Valentine's Day and he said yes. The news is absolutely killing me inside... the thought that he is dating someone else, taking her out for lovely dinners, to the movies, him sleeping with her. That's the worst feeling of all. Him kissing someone else, holding their hand, cuddling them. Giving her all the things that I so desperately want from him.
I always knew this would happen. He's embarked on this fantastic new life and meeting new people. It was only a matter of time before it happened. So much for his bullshit that I mean so much to him, I just didn't mean enough. And now he's suddenly able to give someone else all the things that he used to give me. And I haven't even been able to talk to him properly about it because he's too busy with someone else to talk to me. To do the decent thing and tell it to my face. To be honest with me.
I am so unhappy. And the really stupid thing is that I feel like I can't even talk about it with anyone for fear of looking like a complete fool who has been taken for a ride. I hate the thought of him being happy with someone else. It's terrible, isn't it? If you love someone, then you want them to be happy, but I hate it.
It really doesn't help matters that my sisters have found happiness with someone, and they want to take their respective partners home to meet the parents soon. It makes me think, when will it be my turn? When will I find that someone who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with them? I miss having someone to hold close, I miss kissing someone, I miss having that person to tell every secret that I have.
And in all honesty, I'm such a complete bitch for feeling jealous about my own sisters that I don't deserve to find my own happiness. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, I just want what they have too. To just snuggle up with someone on the sofa watching a movie, cooking dinner for them, hearing their voice every day. Is that too much to ask?
I know I have to get over Mr Special before I can move on. Not that there is anyone to move on to. But I just can't get him out of my head. Whenever something happens, I want to tell him above anyone else. We are in daily contact, which I need to stop. I don't know how to get over him... I just don't. I love him. I'm totally and utterly in love with a man who is dating someone else a million miles away.
Bite me.
The other reason is that I found out Mr Special took someone out for dinner on Valentine's Day. I had jokingly asked whether he had a date for Valentine's Day and he said yes. The news is absolutely killing me inside... the thought that he is dating someone else, taking her out for lovely dinners, to the movies, him sleeping with her. That's the worst feeling of all. Him kissing someone else, holding their hand, cuddling them. Giving her all the things that I so desperately want from him.
I always knew this would happen. He's embarked on this fantastic new life and meeting new people. It was only a matter of time before it happened. So much for his bullshit that I mean so much to him, I just didn't mean enough. And now he's suddenly able to give someone else all the things that he used to give me. And I haven't even been able to talk to him properly about it because he's too busy with someone else to talk to me. To do the decent thing and tell it to my face. To be honest with me.
I am so unhappy. And the really stupid thing is that I feel like I can't even talk about it with anyone for fear of looking like a complete fool who has been taken for a ride. I hate the thought of him being happy with someone else. It's terrible, isn't it? If you love someone, then you want them to be happy, but I hate it.
It really doesn't help matters that my sisters have found happiness with someone, and they want to take their respective partners home to meet the parents soon. It makes me think, when will it be my turn? When will I find that someone who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with them? I miss having someone to hold close, I miss kissing someone, I miss having that person to tell every secret that I have.
And in all honesty, I'm such a complete bitch for feeling jealous about my own sisters that I don't deserve to find my own happiness. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, I just want what they have too. To just snuggle up with someone on the sofa watching a movie, cooking dinner for them, hearing their voice every day. Is that too much to ask?
I know I have to get over Mr Special before I can move on. Not that there is anyone to move on to. But I just can't get him out of my head. Whenever something happens, I want to tell him above anyone else. We are in daily contact, which I need to stop. I don't know how to get over him... I just don't. I love him. I'm totally and utterly in love with a man who is dating someone else a million miles away.
Bite me.
Monday, 24 January 2011
Hugh's Fish Fight
Last week I watched Hugh's Fish Fight on Channel 4, a 3-part series about how around half of the fish caught by fishermen in the North Sea are unnecessarily thrown back into the ocean dead. When they fish, they use massive nets which scoop up all manner of fish and due to fishing quota laws, they are only able to land a certain amount of fish, so all the fish they have caught above their quota gets chucked back into the sea - but they're dead.
Such a waste. And such a shame. No wonder so many species of fish are overfished and dying out - at least if they were thrown back alive they would stand a chance of growing bigger and maybe reproducing so that the numbers of these fish increase.
I had never really thought about this issue before. I buy Sainsbury's tuna because that is where I happen to shop - not because of the ethical issues surrounding it. But since watching these shows, I'm pleased to say that I do buy this particular brand of tuna as these are pole and line caught fish. This means that they are caught one by one, not in great big nets, so no other fish are endangered by this.
As well as Hugh's shows, Jamie Oliver did a cookery program that used lots of different types of fish, to help us stop eating really common fish such as cod, tuna and salmon. The idea being that if we diversify the fish we eat, the overfished species will have a chance to grow in number. Heston did a special edition of his Feast show... oh my God, seriously, one of my dreams is to eat in one of his establishments. And Gordon Ramsey did a show about Shark's Fin Soup.
Being Chinese, I do eat this dish. But not on a regular basis - not that that makes it okay - but I probably would have it 2 or 3 times a year made by my Mum on special family occasions. In the back of my mind, I knew what happened to sharks for this dish, but I don't think I ever realised the extent of the horror until I watched it on this program.
I watched it with my sister. We were both really horrified and shocked. All species and sizes of sharks are caught, even if they are tiny babies and endangered species. Their fins are sliced off their wriggling bodies and then simply thrown back into the sea as the rest of the shark is not used for anything. It goes against Chinese principles of using all of an animal and not wasting anything.
My sister and I have decided to give up eating Shark's Fin Soup. We have to somehow tell my Mum that we no longer want her to cook this dish. I'm not quite sure what we'll say, but we have to. I don't want this barbaric act to continue just for the sake of a soup. I don't want sharks to become extinct in my lifetime.
It will be easy to stop in the sense that I don't eat this regularly - I've tried giving up carbs before and I don't think I even lasted a day! But it will be difficult because I actually really enjoy eating it, and I associate it with happy family gatherings. Will it seem less special or that something is missing the next time we have a family occasion? Only time will tell...
While I'm not going to give up eating fish in general, or become a vegetarian, or start crusading for animals' rights, I am going to give up Shark's Fin, and I hope that any of you out there who eat this dish thinks twice before you next have it. Even better if you can give it up too. Oh, and do join the Fish Fight and sign the petition to stop dead fish being discarded into the sea :-)
Such a waste. And such a shame. No wonder so many species of fish are overfished and dying out - at least if they were thrown back alive they would stand a chance of growing bigger and maybe reproducing so that the numbers of these fish increase.
I had never really thought about this issue before. I buy Sainsbury's tuna because that is where I happen to shop - not because of the ethical issues surrounding it. But since watching these shows, I'm pleased to say that I do buy this particular brand of tuna as these are pole and line caught fish. This means that they are caught one by one, not in great big nets, so no other fish are endangered by this.
As well as Hugh's shows, Jamie Oliver did a cookery program that used lots of different types of fish, to help us stop eating really common fish such as cod, tuna and salmon. The idea being that if we diversify the fish we eat, the overfished species will have a chance to grow in number. Heston did a special edition of his Feast show... oh my God, seriously, one of my dreams is to eat in one of his establishments. And Gordon Ramsey did a show about Shark's Fin Soup.
Being Chinese, I do eat this dish. But not on a regular basis - not that that makes it okay - but I probably would have it 2 or 3 times a year made by my Mum on special family occasions. In the back of my mind, I knew what happened to sharks for this dish, but I don't think I ever realised the extent of the horror until I watched it on this program.
I watched it with my sister. We were both really horrified and shocked. All species and sizes of sharks are caught, even if they are tiny babies and endangered species. Their fins are sliced off their wriggling bodies and then simply thrown back into the sea as the rest of the shark is not used for anything. It goes against Chinese principles of using all of an animal and not wasting anything.
My sister and I have decided to give up eating Shark's Fin Soup. We have to somehow tell my Mum that we no longer want her to cook this dish. I'm not quite sure what we'll say, but we have to. I don't want this barbaric act to continue just for the sake of a soup. I don't want sharks to become extinct in my lifetime.
It will be easy to stop in the sense that I don't eat this regularly - I've tried giving up carbs before and I don't think I even lasted a day! But it will be difficult because I actually really enjoy eating it, and I associate it with happy family gatherings. Will it seem less special or that something is missing the next time we have a family occasion? Only time will tell...
While I'm not going to give up eating fish in general, or become a vegetarian, or start crusading for animals' rights, I am going to give up Shark's Fin, and I hope that any of you out there who eat this dish thinks twice before you next have it. Even better if you can give it up too. Oh, and do join the Fish Fight and sign the petition to stop dead fish being discarded into the sea :-)
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