Happy Halloween!

I had a Halloween party at the weekend and have another one to go to tomorrow night, but nothing planned for the actual night tonight. To be honest, I'm quite glad to have a night in! There were a few kids on the bus ride home tonight dressed up, and I passed a family trick-or-treating on the road next to my road, but apart from that, I've not had any Halloween goings-ons! No kids have rung on my doorbell, but I think that is due to living in a top floor flat :-)

So... I went on the date last week and had a very nice time. Really nice time. But I'm still in a quandary over what to do about his being on a dating site. I guess given that we are not in a serious committed relationship then I cannot say anything. But I do feel weird that he is communicating with and dating other girls while seeing me. We have made tentative arrangements to see each other this weekend.

I think I will just have to see if anything comes of dating this guy. I don't want to call it a day just yet, so watch this space!

In other news, I went to see the new James Bond movie, Skyfall, on Sunday. It is, without a shadow of a doubt, the best film I have seen this year! No spoilers, but it has lots of action, humour, emotion, charm... just SO good. I know it has pretty much been a sellout but do go soon if you have the chance. I am going to go again, it was that good it warrants a second viewing!

Happy Halloween x

Holding On

A few months ago, I was in a relationship with an older man, and I thought things were going pretty well. I was really enjoying getting to know him and spend time with him, when something quite big happened that was out of our control, but it meant that he and I ended our relationship. Anyway, over the last couple of months he and I have been in touch, and a few weeks ago we met up. It was a really lovely evening and I went home feeling happy and wondering whether things could be rekindled.

We are seeing each other again tomorrow. And up until about 20 minutes ago, I was looking forward to it and thinking, maybe tomorrow we'll have a proper talk and decide whether we want to continue seeing each other in a serious manner.

As you know, I've been on various dating websites in the past, but for over a year now I've not been a subscribed member. Tonight, I logged on with the intention of deleting my account, seeing as I'm not able to use it properly unless I pay some extortionate fee, and the fact that I had met someone outside of the dating website, made me think I could get rid of it as I have no intention of using it again.

Imagine my surprise, and horror, and shock... when I saw the guy I am meant to be seeing tomorrow ONLINE and updating his details?!?!? It makes me wonder whether he was using the dating website the whole time we were dating... and more to the point, if he is actively on it and seeing me tomorrow, then he is not serious about me in any way, shape or form.

It makes me feel like an idiot that I've been holding on to this idea that we might get back together. I feel like an idiot most of the time anyway when it comes to men. A teeny part of me still holds out for Mr Special... and I thought that moving on and being with other people would help, and in doing so I found someone that I genuinely liked. And now, I have to come to terms with the fact that he isn't serious about me, I don't know why he wants to go on a date, and I feel like a fool.

Okay, I probably do know why he wants to see me - it's probably a booty call... But I am not going to fall for that or let myself get used. I am worth so much more than that!

I am feeling generally a bit down on men at the moment anyway... but I had hopes and now they've been dashed. Perhaps I was holding on to something that wasn't real because it was easier than dealing with the harsh reality that he doesn't feel the same way?

I'm still going to see him tomorrow, and see how the evening pans out. I don't think I have the wrong idea about him as he uploaded a new photo onto his dating profile, one that I know for a fact is a recent photo. Who knows what tomorrow may bring... I have to keep holding on to hope and love, and let go of bad men.

Weekend Art

I meant to blog this sooner but time got the better of me... but I wanted to share this before the end of the exhibition. I went to see Edvard Munch: The Modern Eye at the Tate Modern at the weekend, and it closes on the 14th October, so there's only a few days left!

It was an unplanned visit but I really enjoyed it. I'm not a huge art lover and I don't go to many cultural things, but when I do I surprise myself by liking it - I should remember this and make more of an effort... I like going to places like the Science Museum and the Natural History Museum, but I don't tend to go to many arty things. 

Anyway, my friend and I decided to go and I have to confess that beyond 'The Scream' I am not really familiar with Munch's work. Wow. It was a really interesting experience to see all these wonderful paintings - although I was disappointed that 'The Scream' was not there!! Munch used to paint lots of copies of the same painting, to sell to various people or show in exhibits, and also would re-work the piece each time, so there is quite alot of repetition in his work. But when you look closely at the detail, you realise that each painting is unique and can convey a different story or message, even though a fleeting glance would tell you that it is the same painting.

It got me thinking about life, about guys that I've dated and had relationships with... Each time I embark on a new journey I think that I won't make the same mistakes again, that I can make a different story, much like having a second chance at painting something, to make it better than the last attempt. 

I think Munch was much more successful at that than I am!

Anyway, if you're in London over the next few days, I can highly recommend going to see this exhibit.

Take care

M

Another Year...

I cannot believe how quickly time flies... Time flies when you're having fun, right?!

I wish I could tell you that I've found the love of my life, that I'm happily married and had kids or had some kind of happily ever after, but I haven't. The quest to find true love still lives on, and I won't give up until I find it.

The last year and a bit has been full of highs and lows... The last time I posted I was just getting over S. S has been in a relationship for the past year now so obviously he and I weren't meant to be. Shame as I did genuinely like him. Since then, there have been a few internet dates and an almost serious relationship, but that ended with a few fireworks and the loss of a good friend.

High points - well, this year I finally got my ass on the property ladder! Which, as a singleton, is no mean feat in London. It's been quite tough and my flat is still not completely furnished but I love it, it's all mine, my very own space to do with what I will. It's been a bit of an eye-opener really, having to contend with decorating and DIY on my own. Very proud that I have managed stuff like changing fuses and getting rid of giant spiders without assistance!

I'm going to try and blog more regularly but for now, it's goodnight and time to get some beauty sleep as I have a huge zit on my chin :-(
It feels good to be back!
Goodnight all x

The End of Mr Special

Well, folks, it had to happen sooner or later. I've finally said goodbye to Mr Special. It's taken me a long time to get to this stage, and I have someone to thank for helping me find the strength to do so. I met S at the beginning of June and it was like a breath of fresh air. He made me feel special and beautiful and attractive - suffice to say things with S have not gone the way I'd hoped - I'm back to square one again - but for 6 short weeks he showed me that there is life after Mr Special.

It took me a long time to tell Mr Special that I felt that we could not communicate any longer. I know it's for the best, but it broke my heart all over again to write those words and then send that message to him. He replied that he missed me, which really messed me up again, but hopefully now it'll get easier.

I'm now dealing with the aftermath of S. We had 7 dates. Short but sweet. Was he the guy I could spend the rest of my life with? I don't know... He hasn't given us enough of a chance to find out. All I know is that I really liked him, and it took alot for me to even admit that. I was scared by how much I liked him, but I took a chance on him, and it has backfired. 

I also saw my recent ex... and his girlfriend. It was not a pleasant experience. 

Wow... reading back on this entry makes me really wonder whether I am ever destined to meet someone who feels the same way about me. Or do I expect too much too soon? I know that I really enjoyed my dates with S, and I didn't want that to end. I don't know if I wanted things to progress into a super serious committed relationship, but now the option has been cruelly taken away from me.

Throw into this confusing mix a potential meet up with the first love of my life, H. I don't know whether we will meet up, but he is due back in the UK next week. 

Life is never easy, I know. People keep telling me at least S didn't string me along for months or years... and yes I am grateful it ended now rather than months down the line. But I am pretty fed up of all the silver linings that I've encountered over the years... I want the bright, beautiful sunny days - no more clouds and their silver linings. Pah.

Loving Somebody...

... means putting their needs first.

I heard this tonight on Eastenders. And it does ring true to me.

I've written Mr Special a letter. It was really therapeutic to write it all down, absolutely everything. And now I'm debating whether to send it or not. All my friends have said that it won't do any good to send it, and that I should take the higher ground and let him be happy. I know that sending it won't make him change his mind or anything like that, but I want him to know how much I'm hurting.

But when I heard that line tonight, it made me think and realise that I should just leave Mr Special alone. I don't need to send him the letter. He knows what he has done, and he has made his bed and so must lie in it and live with the consequences of his choices. As much as it pains me, if this girl makes him happy then I should be happy for him.

I don't want to be happy for him, but I should be. It's the right thing to do. I don't need to stoop to his level and cause hurt.

I can feel a big lump in my throat as I write this. My eyes are welling up. There's a pain in my chest. I don't want to feel this way. But I know that I did nothing wrong. The only thing I am guilty of is falling in love with someone. "You don't get to choose, you just fall"...

I miss him so much. I hate the thought of him being with someone else but there isn't anything I can do about that. I am trying to look after me but sometimes I do wonder what the point is because nobody wants to be with me... I am losing weight as I've lost my appetite... not helped by the fact that the girl he is seeing is super super skinny. He always used to tell me how much he loved my curves and now he's with a stick insect.

Anyway, today is the first day that we've had no contact since that wretched phone call. No chat messages or little emails. Nothing. And I've survived. Surely it can only get easier from here on in. Here's hoping :-)

"Someone Like You"

I heard that you're settled down, 
That you found a girl and you're married now, 
I heard that your dreams came true, 
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you, 
Old friend, why are you so shy? 
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light, 

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, 
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it, 
I had hoped you'd see my face, 
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over, 

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you, 
I wish nothing but the best for you, too, 
Don't forget me, I beg, 
I remember you said, 
"Sometimes it lasts in love, 
But sometimes it hurts instead," 
Sometimes it lasts in love, 
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah, 

You know how the time flies, 
Only yesterday was the time of our lives, 
We were born and raised in a summer haze, 
Bound by the surprise of our glory days, 

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, 
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it, 
I had hoped you'd see my face, 
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you, 
I wish nothing but the best for you, too, 
Don't forget me, I beg, 
I remember you said, 
"Sometimes it lasts in love, 
But sometimes it hurts instead," 

Nothing compares, 
No worries or cares, 
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made, 
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste? 

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you, 
I wish nothing but the best for you, 
Don't forget me, I beg, 
I remember you said, 
"Sometimes it lasts in love, 
But sometimes it hurts instead," 

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you, 
I wish nothing but the best for you, too, 
Don't forget me, I beg, 
I remember you said, 
"Sometimes it lasts in love, 
But sometimes it hurts instead," 
Sometimes it lasts in love, 
But sometimes it hurts instead.

These are the lyrics from Adele's song, "Someone Like You". I've been listening to this so much these last few days because it just sums up how I feel. I do want Mr Special to be happy, even if it's not with me. I hate it though... and it bloody does hurt like hell.

One day he will find that special someone, if it's not already the girl he is seeing. I am so jealous of her. What does she have or what does she give him that I cannot? They appear to have had a very nice holiday together - he returned this weekend just gone and had no hesitation in posting up photos on Facebook. Another nail in the coffin. Another reason for why I wish I had the strength in me to delete him from my Facebook account. There were a few coupley shots that tore at my heartstrings... 

We have not really spoken these last few weeks while he's been away. And I thought I was doing okay, but I'm not. I cried today for no apparent reason. I know it will take time, but I don't want to keep wasting time. This weekend was the 5th anniversary of my Uncle's death. It made me look back and realise that I've had this blog for well over a year now and I haven't really achieved much in that time, except go on about Mr Special. I wrote about my Uncle this time last year, and nothing much has changed... I don't feel like I've moved forward much at all.

And I only have myself to blame. But I just feel so stuck in this vortex of feelings that I can't control. I don't want to fast forward a year and still be writing about how I'm pining for someone who doesn't want to be with me. I wish I could see light at the end of the tunnel but it's still so dark for me.

I was in a shop over the weekend and was looking at something near the racks of reading glasses. There was an elderly couple there trying on glasses. The gentleman found some that he liked, and his wife asked if he could see properly out of them. He replied that now he could see how beautiful she was. It made me smile inside. I want someone who will be sweet and kind and do everything in their power to make me smile. 

It gives me hope that I will, someday, find someone like you Mr Special, but they won't want to hurt me.

Let Down...

Mr Special was supposed to call me over the weekend. I heard nothing from him.

It doesn't surprise me though... I guess he is busy with his new girlfriend - too busy to bother with little old me. Why should he invest any more time and effort in me when he doesn't want to date me or be with me? Why put himself through a phonecall where he knows I'll be asking lots of awkward questions?

I know I have no right to ask, or expect that he answers me truthfully. But part of me so desperately wants some answers, to know why, to find out what is so wrong with me that he doesn't see me in his life anymore. To get a sense of closure. To get some sort of understanding in my mind.

But he probably won't tell me... and I've wondered whether knowing will actually gain me anything. Should I just live in ignorant bliss and try to forget him... try to get over the love of my life. Somehow move on...

I don't even know how to start getting over him. I know I'll be okay. I've gotten over other people before. But it does seem to get a bit harder each time... and I don't know if I have the strength in me to do this again. I really had hoped that this time it would work out. That I'd be given a break this time and I'd get my happy ending.

Well, life sucks. I don't have my happy ending. I want to delete him from my Facebook friends and off my contact lists but part of me wants to keep in the loop about what he is up to. Not that it is doing me any good...

I spent my weekend mostly at home. Moping. Trying not to cry in front of anyone. I don't know how long I can hold the floodgates back. I've only told one person that he is seeing someone else... I cannot actually face the thought of telling people that I've got yet another failed relationship behind me.

I just know that people will tell me to get back out there and part of me thinks yes, I should do that. But I think I just need a little bit of time on my own.

I haven't slept well this whole weekend... or eaten very healthily :-( I'm going to try to get back on track with things this week. It's going to be so hard to concentrate properly when all I'll be thinking about is him being on holiday with someone else. I keep thinking back to last September when we spent a magical time together. It probably wasn't wise but I looked through all our holiday photos tonight and the memories... oh the memories, the thoughts, the feelings...

I really do hope that this pain subsides soon.

Broken hearted

It's been over 2 months since I last wrote.

I've started writing a couple of times, but there are not enough words to express how I feel.

I saw Mr Special about 2 months ago. We talked, I cried, he left. It's been so difficult for me since... He is dating someone new - whether it's the same girl he took out for Valentine's Day I don't know. All I know is that he is with someone else, and is going on holiday with her later this month.

I am in so much pain. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, in every possible way. And I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Will my feelings ever cease? Will I feel this way about anyone else?

Recently, 2 exes have gotten in touch with me. One from my University days, and the other, not that long before I met Mr Special. This made me feel slightly apprehensive, as I had read in my stars that I would get back together with someone from my past. I'm not an avid believer in astrology but I always take things like that with a pinch of salt. If it fits, then great, and if not, then it's a load of bull anyway.

I've been asked if I want to meet up with the University ex and thus far I have resisted. It would be nice to catch up but I am feeling quite fragile at the moment... and I've managed all these years without seeing him so why rock the boat?

The more recent ex also wants to meet up. I haven't seen him in well over a year. He looks really good... and I have to admit that I really enjoyed our conversations. But I can't help but compare him to Mr Special, and he keeps falling short and I'm not sure why. I feel like I should throw caution to the wind and just see what happens... It could be amazing or it could just be a little awkward. On the other hand, I feel like I'm betraying Mr Special for even just considering going out on a date with someone else. Would it show that my feelings aren't as strong as I thought they were?

I'm in such a mess. I still feel jealous of all my close friends and family who are all coupled up. It's been wedding after wedding - and the Royal Wedding... I want to hate Mr Special for his disregard for my feelings and how he can just move on to someone else, but the sad truth is that I still love him so very much. And so to throw in an ex who I used to like very much... I'm surprised I haven't had a nervous breakdown.

I've had to keep soldiering on these last couple of months... really put a brave face on and pretend that I'm not crumbling up deep down inside. It hurts so much. I know that one day it will hurt less but when will that happen?? I don't want to feel like this because it's exhausting me...

:-(

Valentine Blues

I had intended on writing a post on Valentine's Day, but the last couple of weeks have been really tough. I had a fantastic holiday, and then came back to the news that I have to go into hospital for a minor procedure in a month or so. I've been quite worried about it, even though rationally I know there is nothing to be worried about. I just have to grit my teeth and get it over and done with. I haven't even been able to bring myself to tell anyone about it. I think I will, but perhaps a bit closer to the time.

The other reason is that I found out Mr Special took someone out for dinner on Valentine's Day. I had jokingly asked whether he had a date for Valentine's Day and he said yes. The news is absolutely killing me inside... the thought that he is dating someone else, taking her out for lovely dinners, to the movies, him sleeping with her. That's the worst feeling of all. Him kissing someone else, holding their hand, cuddling them. Giving her all the things that I so desperately want from him.

I always knew this would happen. He's embarked on this fantastic new life and meeting new people. It was only a matter of time before it happened. So much for his bullshit that I mean so much to him, I just didn't mean enough. And now he's suddenly able to give someone else all the things that he used to give me. And I haven't even been able to talk to him properly about it because he's too busy with someone else to talk to me. To do the decent thing and tell it to my face. To be honest with me.

I am so unhappy. And the really stupid thing is that I feel like I can't even talk about it with anyone for fear of looking like a complete fool who has been taken for a ride. I hate the thought of him being happy with someone else. It's terrible, isn't it? If you love someone, then you want them to be happy, but I hate it.

It really doesn't help matters that my sisters have found happiness with someone, and they want to take their respective partners home to meet the parents soon. It makes me think, when will it be my turn? When will I find that someone who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with them? I miss having someone to hold close, I miss kissing someone, I miss having that person to tell every secret that I have.

And in all honesty, I'm such a complete bitch for feeling jealous about my own sisters that I don't deserve to find my own happiness. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, I just want what they have too. To just snuggle up with someone on the sofa watching a movie, cooking dinner for them, hearing their voice every day. Is that too much to ask?

I know I have to get over Mr Special before I can move on. Not that there is anyone to move on to. But I just can't get him out of my head. Whenever something happens, I want to tell him above anyone else. We are in daily contact, which I need to stop. I don't know how to get over him... I just don't. I love him. I'm totally and utterly in love with a man who is dating someone else a million miles away.

Bite me.