When will my head and heart see eye to eye?

This week has been a busy one, which makes a nice change from last week being rather quiet. I'll blog about some of that stuff in a later post but I've just got to get something off my chest before I go mad from introspection.

Despite this week being fairly active and social, I don't think I have felt more alone. And I really thought about whether I should even admit to these feelings - especially online. But seeing as I feel like I have nowhere to turn to at the moment, it's better that I write down how I'm feeling rather than keeping it all bottled up inside.

It feels like everybody around me is so wrapped up in their own situations and thoughts that they've almost forgotten about me, that they don't have time for me anymore. And it's not even about Mr Special - not that I have been chewing everybody's ear off about him, in fact, I have deliberately not said much about him to anyone.

I don't know... maybe I'm being overly sensitive and paranoid about things but I feel like I'm not being included in things, simple things like being invited to certain events. When I find out about them, and it turns out that I couldn't make the event anyway, I just sort of feel that it would still be nice to have been asked, even if they also knew that I couldn't make it. Which in a couple of the cases they did...

I haven't really been able to share how I'm feeling with anybody either... I am trying to get my heart to see the sense that my head is telling me - for the events of the week and Mr Special. When will they see eye to eye? Or am I doomed to feel alone for the foreseeable future... I hope not :-)

Leggings and Jeggings

A few days ago I read an article about what items of clothing women love but men detest. Amongst them were things like Ugg boots and harem pants, and one of my bugbears - leggings.

Seriously... leggings?! And leggings that look like jeans but aren't jeans, more commonly known as jeggings. Ugh. They're everywhere... and no signs of this trend about to end either! I'm not against everyone wearing them - some women can get away with this look, namely those who have nicely proportioned legs and wear them with something suitable, a long top or under a mini skirt or dress.

The issues I have with them are mainly to do with people wearing ill-fitting leggings, where they're all baggy or sagging around the crotch, bottom, knees or ankles. They're meant to be figure hugging so get them in the right size! And as they are tight, please be aware that they reveal every curve and show off every wobble! I know they're a comfortable piece of clothing, but that doesn't mean that you get to wear your oldest and skankiest leggings out in public. Greying or threadbare is not the look to go for.

I've also seen some girls wear inappropriate underwear underneath their leggings - made worse by the fact that they've teamed their look with a top that wasn't long enough to cover their bottom. Do some people leave the house without looking at themselves in the mirror??! Finally, I think one of the grossest misdemeaners I have witnessed is a girl walking around with a hole in her leggings under her butt cheek...

People of all shapes and sizes wear leggings, but it doesn't suit everyone... just as not every person can rock the skinny jean look, you can't all pull off the legging look. Ladies, feel free to wear them around the house or while doing aerobics or for an 80s fancy dress, but know your limits! If you know it doesn't suit you and doesn't show off your figure to its full advantage, then don't wear them, no matter how fashionable or comfy they may be.

I have never and hope I will never wear leggings - I know it doesn't suit me and I'd rather wear other things, like real jeans! I'm with the men on this one, please ditch leggings!!

And before anyone says anything, I am a great believer of dressing to please yourself, not others. So if you love leggings, and don't care what anyone thinks about them, go ahead and wear them, just make sure they fit well and that your bottom isn't on show :-)

Weekend Chit Chat

I've had a few days off from writing - not because I've not got anything to say, but because I've been sorting out my life. Well, trying to! I've had some time off work to really think about things and do the stuff that I've been putting off or just not had time to do. Sorting out my finances and investments for the year, sorting out some of my wardrobe (which involved a trek through the rain to the local charity shop), and trying to sort out my holidays. I feel loads better for having done all this, and rather grown up too!

Looking back, I did spend much of the week on my own, which to be quite honest is probably what I needed. And this weekend I've had some real quality time on my own, chilling out and relaxing and reading - I can't actually remember the last time I sat down of an afternoon with my feet up and a good book for a couple of hours. I'm looking forward to a more social week this coming week though - there is only so much of my own company that I can take!!

Having said that, I had a really fun girly evening out with 3 girlfriends this weekend. We went out and had dinner and a few bottles of vino, and we went to the cinema to watch Sex and the City 2. Now, I've read a few reviews of this film, and they ranged from bad to worse. But having watched most of the series on TV and seen the first film, I figured what harm could it do to go and see the second film - apart from the extortionate ticket price being over a tenner? And you know what, I'm glad I did - despite the storyline being a bit silly, I laughed my socks off. Yes, there were a few tender moments but mostly it was an enjoyable and fun couple of hours. A few hours to escape the reality of my life and be transported into a frilly world of fun and fashion where everything turns out okay in the end. Yay for happy endings :-)

I did text back that guy - and I was quite pleased that he texted back the next day to say thanks and take care. It was very sweet of him actually. I feel relieved that I didn't have to lie to this guy, and neither am I stuck seeing him again. Perhaps honesty - as illustrated in SATC2 very nicely, if you have seen it - is the best policy after all.

Against my better judgement this week, I've also spoken to Mr Special several times... yes, you read that right - several times. At times it has been difficult and I did have a bit of a cry, other times it felt like he had never left. I don't know... it doesn't get any easier trying to get over someone no matter how many times you go through it. And you would think that by now I'd have some recipe for doing so... the other day I read an article with tips on how to get over someone, such as putting away gifts and items that remind you of them, check; returning things to each other, check; not keeping a memento like a t-shirt of his so that you can be reminded of him and his smell..... erm, no check. I do have an old t-shirt of his, simply because I had to borrow it one day, but I've washed it and it doesn't smell of him anymore, and to be fair it's not like I can return it now. Besides, it really is just an old grey t-shirt that I never even saw him wear and I don't think he is missing it.

But I know that's not the point - for me to move on I have to let go. And that is what I'm finding hard right now. Letting go of all these hopes and dreams, letting them fade into the proverbial sunset... I have to. I've sorted out so many other things in my life, this should be no different. However, on this occasion my feelings are ruled by my heart not my head, and my heart isn't quite ready to let go.

How Do I Say No?

I have a dilemma. Remember the guy I had a bad second date with at the beginning of May? He has texted me asking if I want to meet again. Bear in mind that the date we had didn't go very well, not in my opinion anyway. And apart from one text after that evening to let him know I got home safely I haven't heard from him in about 3 weeks. I figured that his silence indicated that he too felt that the date hadn't gone well. But now what do I do? Say no and let him down and feel bad, or say yes and endure another date and feel bad...

If he really liked me, surely he would've gotten in touch sooner? It doesn't take much effort to send someone a text or an email, to keep in touch. But keeping quiet for the best part of a month made me think he didn't really see a future for us and it was an easy option to end things by not contacting me. And to be honest I didn't mind, it was just as easy for me to stay quiet and not have to say thanks, but no thanks. I was kind of hoping it was a mutual silence and that would be the end of that.

If I see him again, it would technically be our third date. I have no problem in going out for a drink or something with him on a friendly basis, but I don't want to give him the wrong idea. Some people do expect something to happen on the third date. And we haven't even kissed or anything... I know that nothing romantic can happen with this guy. I don't feel that spark with him.

How do I let him down? How do I say no????

One of my shortcomings is that I find it hard to say no to people. I don't want to feel like I've let someone down, even though I end up feeling bad. But part of learning who I am, and trying to get to be who I want to be means that I have to start doing things for myself. Do things for me, not others. And even though I am also trying to embrace life and take opportunities that are presented to me, I think this is something I will have to say no to.

I feel bad already and I haven't even contacted him. But honesty is the best policy so I will bite the bullet and send him a message...

Another Rainy Bank Holiday

Ah, good old England. The second Bank Holiday of May and yep, it rained. I was actually a bit ill over the weekend, so I stayed home for some of it. I also went to visit my parents for a bit of TLC, which was sorely needed. Trying to get over Mr Special is really taking its toll on me.

I feel so very emotional and tearful at times, other times I'm angry, it varies from one extreme to another! I think this emotional upset has triggered my not being very well, and I hate it. I hate that a man has upset me so much. I hate that someone else has affected me so greatly. I know that Time Heals All Wounds, and I have to be patient, these things cannot be rushed. But how I long for the day when I can hear his name and not be reduced to a gibbering wreck!

Despite feeling a bit crap, I managed to see Lady Gaga at The O2 - one of the most brilliant shows I've seen in a long time. I wouldn't say that I am a huge fan of hers, but I think she has an amazing voice, and I really like lots of her songs. I actually think she is very talented. I don't know much about her background or personal life, but boy can she sing and dance - LIVE. I saw Britney in concert last year and honestly, she mimed her way through about 95% of her show.

I feel like I am caught in my very own Bad Romance... I hope there's a happy ending out there somewhere :-)

Every Cloud...

...has a silver lining. Or so they say.

I feel like I've heard every cliché and saying these past few days. Every song that I hear I think is about me. 'What will be, will be'... 'If it's meant to be, he'll come back to you'... 'Give him a chance to miss you'... 'If it wasn't right for one person, then it wasn't right for both'... 'What comes around, goes around'... 'It must have been love, but it's over now'...

Give me a break! Every time I go through a period of heartache it seems that my well-meaning friends and family recycle the same old lines to me. And it feels like none of them ever come true. Why is it that nobody can stand up to me and say, 'Honey, he didn't love you, he's moved on and is now a million miles away and is never coming back to be with you'? Yes, the truth hurts, but at least then I can deal with the pain instead of pathetically clinging on to some shred of hope. Because I am. Deep down, I do still think there is a chance for me and Mr Special. Despite every gut instinct that tells me he won't come back, some part of me thinks he might somehow realise his mistake in what he gave up to move to a new country.

I am desperately trying hard to move on from this. I don't want to wake up in a few months or a couple of years and realise how much time and energy I wasted on a futile cause. I'm trying to fill my days with things to do, people to see, but all I really want to do is sit and mope at home. Okay, I know I can give myself a bit of time to mourn the loss of Mr Special, I don't expect that I could simply just move on. My feelings aren't controlled by the flick of a switch. But part of me doesn't want to allow myself to do this, it's rather odd.

I think I've been a bit unsettled today because I spoke to Mr Special... he called me, which was weird and exciting yet comforting all at the same time. It was really nice to hear his voice actually. I miss talking to him. I miss seeing him. I miss doing stuff with him, like going out for drinks after work, or dinner, a movie, a cuddle. Life sucks sometimes.

Even retail therapy isn't really working! Eek!!

Summer Attire

Well, another beautiful day in London - shame it was Monday and back to work... if only 3 day weekends existed, oh wait, we have another Bank Holiday weekend next weekend, yay!

As I was walking to work today, I was struck by how many people were inappropriately dressed for what was one of the hottest days of the year so far. I'm quite lucky because where I work there is no dress code and I don't have to dress formally at all. I have the luxury of being able to get dressed up if I want, or go in casual outfits, even jeans and trainers if I fancy it. Today I wore a simple vest top and a floral skirt with flip flops. Very summery and cool, yet not too revealing either.

Okay, I realise that hot sunny weather over here is rare, but come on people, we've had 2 days of this already - it's not like we didn't have any prior warning! I saw women wearing pretty dresses teamed with thick black opaque tights and some of them even wore boots. Maybe they don't feel the heat?! There was one lady who had a lovely simple shift dress on, with some hideous turquoise t-shirt underneath, so you could see the sleeves and part of the neckline under the dress. It looked terrible. She would've looked great just wearing the dress on its own.

Perhaps after a long cold winter people weren't ready to reveal their pasty white legs and crusty feet? Who knows? All I could think was that these poor souls must have been sweltering in the heat.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have fabulous legs either, but there comes a point when you have to ditch the hosiery and bare your pins - and once you've been out and about you'll wonder what took you so long. You start to get a little tan, which makes you feel good, the sunlight on your skin boosts vitamin D production, which makes you feel great. Everybody's mood just seems to improve with a little sunshine.

Over the last couple of days I've been exfoliating my legs and scrubbing my feet with a pumice stone so they look vaguely presentable in sandals and flip flops. It doesn't take long and they are now almost looking quite nice!! A big dollop of moisturiser goes a long way too, your skin will thank you for it. Finally, a splash of colour on your toe nails draws the eye away from any feet imperfections. I've got some neutral pale pink glittery nail varnish on so it shimmers in the sunlight, very pretty!

So there you go, not quite perfect legs or feet, but not ashamed to have them on show. Over the years of bad shoe abuse my feet bear many scars and bumps. But they're part of me, they tell the tale of where I've walked and will continue to carry me on my path through life. A little love and attention and they'll look and feel great too - failing that, go and have a pedicure done by the professionals!

Retail Therapy Rant

Today was another gloriously hot and sunny day in London. My original plans were cancelled late last night so I woke up with nothing in mind. Had a lazy morning and then decided some shopping was sorely needed. As it was such nice weather, Oxford Street was very quiet, which suited me so I didn't have to fight my way through hordes of people.

I only spent a couple of hours shopping, but I've come home with some great stuff - a couple of summery dresses, a skirt, some new vest tops, a couple of pairs of shorts and a couple of sets of bikinis! All stuff that I'll wear this summer and on holidays too. Plus it's a great motivational tool to actually keep to my get fit plan (although in recent days I've been more comfort eating) so this week I'm going to really try to eat properly and do some exercise.

I love shopping, but sometimes it can be so frustrating. Sod's Law means you'll never find what you're looking for, and when you're out window shopping and broke that's when you come across perfectly fitting items that you just *have* to have. For me, sizing is a huge issue. Depending on the store, I can range from a size 6 to a 10. And even then sometimes I find I'm an odd inbetween size, like an 8 will be a teeny bit too tight but a 10 is too baggy. I wish there was a proper standard sizing that was adopted across all shops. I have spent a fortune now on getting my clothes altered!

It's the same with lingerie. Buying bras (and also bikini tops) is always disappointing. Sometimes they fit, sometimes they don't... it depends on the style of the bra and which shop you're in. When I found the perfect everyday bra, I bought about 5 of them - now, quelle surprise, they don't make this style of bra anymore. Grrr. It's a lesson I've learnt the hard way - when you find something that you love and it fits you well, always buy another one. That's why I ended up buying a couple of sets of bikinis today - now I just need to get down to the beach!

Another little rant about shopping, you know those security tags that they use? I totally get why they are used, but I really wish that they weren't, or at least that they were put somewhere else. I don't know if this is just me, but I always seem to have tiny little holes from where they've stuck the pin through, and ultimately it does ruin the fabric. In one of the shops I went to I had to ask the sales assistant to find me another size so off she went into the stockroom. Moments later, success! She's found the right size - but before I can buy it or try it on she whisks it away to punch a security tag through it, only to have to remove it about 10 minutes later and oh yes, there's a hole in my new dress.

Speaking of sales assistants, if I need help I will ask for it, thank you very much. I hate the way that they pounce on you as soon as you've stepped into the store and haven't even looked at anything yet. This also translates into hating when waiting staff come and ask if you'd like to order a drink - when you haven't even sat down or taken your coat off. I might not know what I want to drink yet and might want to take a look at the drinks menu before deciding. I realise that these people are only doing their jobs, but please, try to give a couple of minutes before accosting customers, whether in a restaurant or a shop. Just a couple of minutes. Then it will be all the more appreciated when you do come over and I'll either need help or will know what I want to drink :-)

RIP Uncle

It is 4 years ago today that my Uncle passed away. I'll always remember this day as it is sadly the day before my Dad's birthday.

I was always quite close to my Uncle, despite him not living in the UK. I remember him coming over for holidays and being taken out by him as a small kid. I remember going on a family holiday in winter to stay with him and my Auntie and 2 cousins (although at the time technically only 1 cousin existed!). I remember my first summer holiday at uni when I went to stay with them and my Uncle was so cool and let me travel by train all the way to Venice in Italy as a couple of my uni friends were on holiday there, and my parents had said it was too far away and dangerous. I remember the summer before he died I went on a camping holiday with my then boyfriend and we made an impromptu visit to them. That was the last time I saw him.

I recall one summer that I spent with them we went out on a pedalo in some lake somewhere... I can't remember exactly where as I was quite young then. It seemed quite fitting today that I went out in a rowing boat in Battersea Park with a couple of friends and spent half an hour taking in the scenery, the wildlife, and trying to get the hang of rowing!! It was so peaceful and I had a few moments to myself to remember and celebrate my Uncle's life.

Thinking about my Uncle today has reiterated the point that life is short. He left behind a beautiful wife and 2 young children. He didn't even get to see them grow up. I'm going to try to make the most of things, my life is here and now - ready and waiting to be lived. I'm not going to put my life on hold for anyone. I'm not going to dwell on the past and think about what might have been, or think too much about the future and worry that I'll end up alone and unhappy. I have to concentrate on making me happy now... all the rest will fall into place.

And what better time to do this than summertime in London? It was a glorious day today... and I have to confess that I'm a little pink now on my shoulders despite using sun lotion and sitting in the shade. Grr. The last couple of days I've had great food and great company in the sun. What more could I ask for? Well, it would've been nice to share moments like this with Mr Special, but he is halfway across the world. And I've got to stop thinking about him.

I wonder if he has thought about me at all in the last few days???

Text Communications

This is the post that I started earlier this week... and finished writing today, so apologies if the time line doesn't make sense!

On Monday evening a girlfriend and I were discussing a topic close to my heart - men and texting. It started with a comment that her partner had sent her a rather curt and short text over the weekend informing her that he would be home by a certain time and that he had made plans for one night this coming week. She asked, quite sadly, whether this was what texting had become for them, a simple means to convey diary appointments.

Hundreds of people would, at this point, shout yes. A text message is a simple means of communicating a short message to another person. If the message is very urgent or important then surely you'd pick up the telephone and speak to them, or, heaven forbid, go and do it in person!

I agree with this, but I also think that a text can be more. It can be a sweet message of love, to tell someone that you were just thinking of them, a naughty text to get your partner in the mood, so many things.

I think for the majority of guys, they see it as a means to an end, to pass on some vital information. They're not flowery, and don't even get me started on the subject of whether they've included a kiss at the end of it or not! Women do tend to over-analyse and deconstruct sentences and words to see if there is some kind of hidden meaning behind the message. I should know, so many times I've sat re-reading text messages because I thought there was some meaning there, some hidden message of love.

Earlier this year my old mobile phone completely died and it wouldn't even switch on or anything - I lost over 2 years' worth of text messages from loved ones, including Mr Special, and a couple of other guys that I dated before him. I was really upset about this, partly because it documented a whole chunk of my life, and partly because I had some really lovely messages on there. There was nothing I could do to retrieve these messages, and even today it still makes me a little sad that I can't read them. I'd actually really love to read all my old texts from Mr Special... in the past he has sent me some really sweet messages that made me go all gooey inside.

It makes me feel sad for the demise of the written love letter. My very first love used to write me actual paper letters, which was a revelation in itself as he is the geekiest person I know! But I cherish them because they represent his feelings for me... something tangible, not just something in the ether. It is such a romantic and old-fashioned notion but I would love it if I were to receive a love letter from someone special. Not just an email or a text, but a letter or a card or even a little postcard.

I received a few text messages from Mr Special today. Being the idiot that I am, I did reply to him. I'm going to try really hard to not be in contact with him. I think it will do me good, and help me to heal from these wounds that are so fresh, and with him not even being in the same country now, at least I can't be tempted to drop by or call him and ask if I can see him.

This weekend I'm going to put away everything that reminds me of him. He's bought me a few things over the last year and a bit, and for me they all have memories of him attached to them. I actually have one of his favourite jumpers here, and a couple of t-shirts - have to try to resist burying my nose in them to try and smell his scent. I'm missing him already and it's not even been for very long - heck he's been away longer on business trips and holidays before and I've been fine. I think this time there is a sense of finality so it feels different, I know I won't see him again for a very long time and it makes me feel very sad.

I must resist texting him!!!