Tipsy

I am a little bit tipsy as I write this sitting in my bed... I had a few drinks after work with some of the guys from work. Lovely evening, great food, delicious vino and fab company. What more can a girl ask for?

I've had a few things to digest these last couple of days... mostly that Mr Special is coming back to London next week so I'll have a chance to see him again if I want to. Part of me really wants to see him. And part of me wants to forget him. And I don't know what to do!

The other bit of news is that my ex H is now a proud father! I am happy for him, but I feel a bit weird and not really sure why... perhaps it's the knowledge that he now has everything that I want... to be married to the one you love and with a baby. A perfect little family.

Feeling tired and tipsy but just wanted to share those thoughts :-)

Treading on Toes

Arghhhh... I have a gripe about Londoners. Possibly this problem could extend to the whole of the country. Why is it that in the summertime when I wear flip flops or sandals somebody always ends up treading on my toes or heels?

This problem doesn't ever seem to happen in the winter when I wear proper shoes or boots - only when my toes and heels are exposed - or perhaps I just don't feel it when they tread on my shoes or boots?! I'm not sure!

And it's not even that I wear really flimsy or rubbish summer shoes - I usually wear my Birkenstocks, which have quite a high edge all around your foot, encasing it properly. Yet people still tread on my heels! I don't walk that slowly, and it's not like you can't see someone in front of you, yet it always happens... someone will tread on the heel of my shoe and I end up half falling over. Worse still, in the past my sandals have broken as a result of this - the force of me lifting my foot up while someone is treading on the heel caused the straps to snap and then I had to limp around with broken sandals that didn't stay on my feet.

So please, even if you're in a rush, look where you're walking! :-)

Football Failure

Today I went round to my friend's house for the obligatory BBQ that always seems to get taken out whenever there is a glimpse of sunshine in the sky. Today, however, was absolutely glorious! Hot and sunny... in fact, at times I felt that it was too hot - and that's a rare thing to say in London!

I was really careful to slap on the factor 30 and sit in the shade - and I made a point to not wear my sunnies. Especially after plenty of ribbing from my friends about my panda eyes. I'm pleased to report that all pinkness has faded into a nice shade of brown, but that means the tan mark is even more noticeable... and I don't actually know if I can get the tan to fade or to tan the white bits so my face looks like one colour.

Anyway, after munching on some burgers and sausages and salad, it was time for the game! Now I'm no football fan, but I decided to make an exception as it is the World Cup, and it was England against Germany. Plus, I was with a group of close friends and I think the atmosphere there was really chilled out and fun, so it makes it more fun to watch the match together, really get into the spirit of things. But what a disappointing couple of hours of my life... England were playing terribly and lost 4-1. It was such an outrage that England's second goal was disallowed, as the playbacks showed very clearly that it was over the line.

Who knows what might have been if we'd reached half time 2-2... would the psychological boost have helped England to defend better against the next 2 goals? Or were they so disheartened by the decision to not allow the goal that they handed the game to Germany on a plate?

Having never really watched a football match properly I did find it quite exciting - cheering England on, booing at the appropriate moments, shouting at the TV... and then I found myself a couple of hours later watching a second match between Argentina and Mexico. What a brilliant game! Full of action and exciting goals and lots of near misses. I couldn't take my eyes off the TV!! Am pleased that Argentina won 3-1.

So there you have it - I've become a bit of a football fan just as England gets knocked out of the World Cup and I have no team to cheer on...

Sunburnt and Sad

Well, after all that debate over whether to be tanned or not, I've come home this evening after a day out in the sun and I'm pink instead of brown! :-( My tan marks are even worse and way more noticeable now... I look like I have panda eyes! It's like I've had ski goggles on and then been blasted by wind and snow and sun and now have a very clear and defined mark around my eyes.

I thought I was being careful but obviously not enough! And now my poor face and arms and a bit on my chest are all pink and frazzled. I look and feel quite ugly instead of the gorgeous sun-kissed look I was going for. I'm hoping I haven't done too much damage to my skin - I've been moisturising it like mad and drinking gallons of water to rehydrate myself. Fingers crossed the pinkness will fade overnight and it will be okay in the morning - I have a BBQ to go to and the footie to watch! Which means I will be in the presence of men - and okay I'm not that vain but I want to look nice rather than pink and panda eyed.

Luckily I've never been really badly sunburnt - the most damage I've had is going pink and then it turns brown. I haven't had to deal with uncomfortable peeling dry sunburnt skin - touch wood! But I think because the marks that I'm most worried about are on my face is causing me to be a bit distressed about it - obviously the skin on your face is much more delicate the skin on your body, especially around the eyes, hence I wore my sunglasses pretty much ALL day. And even though I've done that most days for the past week I haven't had any major marks on my face. Guess the sun was alot stronger today... and it looks like we'll be having our hottest day of the year so far tomorrow.

I think I, like most other people, worry about facial appearance because it is one of the first things that somebody notices about you. When you get introduced and start speaking to people they watch for cues in facial expressions and body language. You can't get away from people looking at you in everyday life. The skin on my arms and chest I can easily cover up but I can't really cover my face!

I am so tired today and practically falling asleep on my MacBook so I'm off to bed and hopefully my good night of sleep will help to repair some of my skin cells :-)

To Tan or Not To Tan?

Over the last few days I've built up a bit of a tan as I've spent most of my time outdoors in the glorious sunshine. When I went back to work everyone commented on how well I looked, and how brown I was. It got me thinking, do I look better suntanned or not?

I tan relatively easily, but I do try to be careful in the sun and use copious amounts of sun lotion. I think I do look a bit more attractive tanned, I feel more confident and slimmer. I think having a bit of colour helps to even out my skin tone and hides blemishes, especially on my face. It's like putting on foundation or tinted moisturiser - not that I use either of these products - but it just seems to help hide any scars or spots or marks on your skin.

But I hate having tan marks... I've got a couple of strap marks on my shoulders and a line on my face where my sunglasses were. It's SO annoying! I have a wedding to go to next month and the dress I'm wearing is strapless so it will look weird with tan marks. Not quite sure what I'm going to do to disguise it...

I've been sunbathing topless only once before when I was on a beach holiday in Ibiza a couple of years ago. I never thought I'd ever have the guts to do that but it was really rather liberating and I loved the all over tan I got from it - but it's not really the sort of thing you can do here!

I remember my Mum telling me to keep out of the sun because having white skin was seen to be more desirable as it meant that you were more well off and didn't have to go work in the fields outdoors and therefore get suntanned. And it seems that some Asian women still strive for white skin - when I go back to visit relatives and family I always see lotions and potions to whiten skin and women actually buy it. It seems so odd that over here women buy fake tan to make themselves look darker!

Anyway, I've decided that for me, I do look nicer with a slight tan. I don't want to get really brown, and neither do I want to look like I've been tangoed orange with bad fake tan! So I'll continue to use my factor 30 sun lotion everyday and if I get a little bit of colour then that's no bad thing.

Some Alone Time

Despite having felt quite lonely recently, I've been away for a few days completely on my own without any communications with the outside world except for a couple of texts to let my family know that I'm okay. And you know what, I actually feel that I am okay. I wouldn't say that I'm back to my old self just yet, but I am definitely on the way.

No telephone calls, no emails, no messaging, nothing with Mr Special for the last few days... and I've survived it. And it can only get easier, can't it? Hopefully!

Although I've been feeling jealous about this girl, realistically it's not about her - it could be anyone. If he wasn't dating her, he would be dating someone else. He could be dating a million girls and it shouldn't matter. I shouldn't be directing my thoughts and time towards her, because she doesn't matter - and neither should he (although he still does) and I should be focusing on me. Because I matter. Alot.

For the past few days I've had quality time to myself, doing things I want to do - visiting places that have really made me appreciate who I am, catching up with some old uni friends over the weekend, meeting some new people who will in time, I hope, become good friends, lots of good food, relaxing time in the sun, a bit of exercise, and best of all, time off from work. I realised that I hadn't actually taken any proper leave this year apart from the odd day here and there so I thought it was a good time to take off and recharge my batteries.

I have a much more positive outlook on life at the moment, and I hope that this feeling lasts. I know that good things come to those who wait, but I guess you also have to be active in making your own luck. I've got loads of events coming up over the summer, and lots of ideas up my sleeve so I just have to set the wheels in motion... and I promise to faithfully blog my happy and not so happy experiences.

On a very personal note to end, I got my period today - which is a couple of days late for my cycle. Was I worried? Yes... a bit. With all the best intentions in the world no method of contraception is ever fool proof and a tiny part of me wondered whether I could be pregnant, and if I was, what would I do? It was a happy yet weird thought process, but I'm glad I no longer have to think about it :-)

6 Deadly Sins

Last night I went to Theatre 503, a small theatre above The Latchmere Pub in Battersea. For one night, they were showing '7.1 Beyond Control' by Golden Delilah - a performance involving 7 short plays about each of the 7 Deadly Sins. Or so I thought. When I read the programme, the play about Greed had been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances, which was a real shame, and as such, I only saw 6 Deadly Sins.

It was a fantastic show actually. Great performances and all very different. I wasn't really sure about what I had been expecting, but it made me really think about myself and what sins I suffer from.

I think to some extent I am guilty of each of the sins. Definitely gluttony - I love food and eating, and sometimes I do eat too much. But I think that is part of my upbringing - I was taught not to waste food, and also my family made a big deal of everyone sitting down for dinner together each night. Being Chinese, many of our social activities revolve around food, bringing people together to celebrate various things and events... all food related!

I don't necessarily think that I am greedy though - not for material objects and wealth. Of course, I enjoy nice things but I work hard and save my money so that I can afford the things that I want - I don't just go spending outside of my means.

Am I slothful? Not in the sense that I haven't worked hard to get where I am. After uni, I worked my butt off so that I could fund myself through a Masters degree without having to rely on anyone else. Sometimes I am lazy about small things, like washing dishes or doing chores, but usually I just put them off til the next day - it's not like I never do that stuff!

Do I suffer from wrath? Yes. I think everybody gets angry and has hateful feelings from time to time. It takes alot for me to say I hate somebody though, just as hard as it is for me to say I love somebody too. They are both extreme feelings on the spectrum, and I don't feel these all the time.

I definitely suffer from lust - when there is somebody that I'm interested in or perhaps had a few dates with and things are going well, especially in the case of Mr Special, I do have lustful feelings of a sexual nature towards them. It's only natural. I'm not ashamed of it, and I won't say that I don't have these feelings. For me, sex is a really important part of a relationship - no, it's not the be all and end all, but it ranks pretty high up there for me.

Envy... yes. I am feeling it now. I am jealous and envious of the girl that Mr Special is dating. I feel envious of all the people who have found their life partner and are living my dream. Yes, I know I have so much in my life that I wouldn't want to change, but I really want to one day be in a monogamous, committed and loving relationship. I want to find my soulmate, my best friend, the person I want to spend the rest of my life with who also wants to spend the rest of their life with me. Someone to hold my hand... forever.

Finally, pride - the deadliest of all sins. I actually think I'm okay on this one - I don't think that I am necessarily better or more important than other people, just different. I don't take credit for something that someone else has achieved - that would be an empty satisfaction, knowing that I had cheated or not set out to do what someone thinks I have done. I know my downfalls and faults, and I work hard to conquer them. I am proud of the things that I have done in my life but it doesn't make me any better than anybody else.

So there you have it... Have a think about yourself and see if you too are guilty of any or all of the 7 Deadly Sins.

Facebook - Friend or Foe?

I hate Facebook. But I am addicted to it.

I joined back in February 2007 and at first I didn't really have much to do with it. As more and more of my friends joined, I slowly got sucked into the world of status updates, photos and applications.

Since the whole privacy issues surrounding Facebook came up, a few of my friends have actually deleted their accounts because they didn't want their details made available to all and sundry. I wish I had the willpower to delete my account.

I've found myself checking Facebook every moment that I can, looking at friends of friends, namely Mr Special's friends, trying to find a clue as to who he is dating. Every time he posts something I find myself reading and re-reading it and any comments, trying to figure out what is going on in his head, trying to find some clue as to why he doesn't want to be with me.

It's stupidly ridiculous. Firstly, I know you can't infer deeper meaning from the written word, it's like seeing a hidden meaning behind text messages, or seeing the positive side of things, making it fit your ideals when really it might not have any further meaning to it at all. It's like reading your horoscope in a newspaper or magazine and finding any small excuse to make it fit what is going on in your life. Secondly, Mr Special is not stupid - would he really post anything to do with his new lady friend on Facebook knowing full well that we are Facebook friends and I'd be able to see it? No. He says that he doesn't want to hurt me, and he knows how obsessed I am with Facebook :-)

Despite this, I still check it... and I know it's a futile exercise and a complete waste of my time. Yet I still do it. What is wrong with me?!

Emotional Betrayal

I've been thinking long and hard today about Mr Special.

Am I upset because I've lost him, or because I've lost the hope and promise of a 'happily ever after'?

I think it's a bit of both to be honest. I miss being with him, having that connection with someone that you don't have with anyone else. I miss our conversations, our dates, the fun and silly times we shared together. I miss thinking about a future with him, and what we'd be doing next week, next month, next year...

I read an article today about whether women could forgive an affair or not. It basically said that women were more likely to forgive a one night stand or just sex, rather than a long-term affair - because not only had the trust been broken, but the man had forged an emotional attachment with the other woman. The article points to evidence from evolution and science, suggesting that men are programmed to spread their genes whereas women need to secure a mate to look after her and her offspring. If the man begins to look after another woman then he won't be around to look after you.

Hmm, I'm not sure how easily I could forgive someone for having a one night stand with the excuse that it was 'just sex'. But I also think it's a valid point about emotional betrayal. It's not the fact that Mr Special is now doing the business with another girl, it's also the time and attention he spends on her. Going out on dates, spending time with each other, getting to know each other inside out, all that leads to a pretty intimate and bonding relationship. And I can't get my head around the fact that someone who did all that with me, can now so easily be doing that with someone else who he has just met!

Having an emotional and intellectual connection with someone is just as important to me as the physical connection. I'd feel betrayed and cheated on just as equally if my guy kissed someone else, had sex with them, or started confiding in them about their thoughts and feelings and spending quality time together. I don't think guys totally get this though, as they think cheating only happens once you've slept together. An old ex of mine maintains that he never cheated as he officially broke up with me before he had sex with the other woman, despite months of communicating - talking on the phone and messaging each other - the intent was all there... He had already betrayed my trust by getting to know this woman and talking about being together... anyway, that's a whole other kettle of fish for another post one day.

Getting back to Mr Special then, yes, I feel betrayed and hurt and angry that he's moved on so quickly. I feel jealous that he's spending time with someone else, that she is now experiencing all the wonderful things that he is capable of, that she now gets to hear his thoughts and feelings, and I'm stuck halfway across the world on my own. Great.

Life sucks sometimes.

Heartache and Heartbreak

Wow, it's just gone 10.30pm on Friday evening and I'm sitting in bed typing this post. It's been a long and emotional day. To borrow a phrase from Glee, I've been in a 'funk' this week... I've felt so down and depressed about various things and I felt marginally better after I wrote my post last night. And then one of the worst 24 hour periods of my life began...

I found out that Mr Special is dating someone. Already. After being gone for a mere 3 weeks he has found himself a new lady friend. Is it the case that guys take less time to get over someone? To fall out of love? Or do I just have a really hard time in letting go?

We emailed a few times last night, where he confessed that he had started seeing this girl, but that he didn't want to upset me. Bit too late for that! Needless to say I had a sleepless night... which resulted in me feeling super tired and looking like shit today. I went in to work, despite wanting to call in sick, but it was quiet so I kept myself to myself in my office. Big mistake. Big fat tears of sadness... heartbroken sobbing... the full works... snot galore :-)

I feel an overwhelming gut-wrenching sense of jealousy - what does she have that I haven't got? Do I mean that little to him that he can so easily forget me and what we had and move on to some other girl? Is it a case of out of sight, out of mind?? Bear in mind that we have been talking pretty much everyday for the last week and a bit... no mention of any girl, spending hours messaging each other.

I feel like my heart has broken into a million and one pieces, yet again, and I still love him with each little piece. I told him that I missed him, and he said that he missed me too. Yeah, it looks that way, with you finding a replacement for me so soon.

Our communication ended with me sending a really long email, much of which probably doesn't make much sense given the state I was in when writing it, and he hasn't responded. My thoughts to that are he is either watching the FIFA World Cup that started today (very exciting!) or he is out on a date with her seeing as it is Friday night... who knows? I keep torturing myself with scenarios of him getting married to her, being able to give this girl everything that I want from him.

Will I ever find true love and happiness? There have been less than a handful of occasions where I think I've found it, and it's going to last, and then something happens and I'm left picking up the pieces again. Sometimes I feel like time is running out for me. Only yesterday did I find out one of my friends is getting married next year and another one of my best friends gave birth to her second child. When will it be my time for my fairytale ending?

Anyway, I'm going to try and get some sleep tonight. What has happened has happened and I can't change it so I have to put up with it and try again to move on from this...

When will my head and heart see eye to eye?

This week has been a busy one, which makes a nice change from last week being rather quiet. I'll blog about some of that stuff in a later post but I've just got to get something off my chest before I go mad from introspection.

Despite this week being fairly active and social, I don't think I have felt more alone. And I really thought about whether I should even admit to these feelings - especially online. But seeing as I feel like I have nowhere to turn to at the moment, it's better that I write down how I'm feeling rather than keeping it all bottled up inside.

It feels like everybody around me is so wrapped up in their own situations and thoughts that they've almost forgotten about me, that they don't have time for me anymore. And it's not even about Mr Special - not that I have been chewing everybody's ear off about him, in fact, I have deliberately not said much about him to anyone.

I don't know... maybe I'm being overly sensitive and paranoid about things but I feel like I'm not being included in things, simple things like being invited to certain events. When I find out about them, and it turns out that I couldn't make the event anyway, I just sort of feel that it would still be nice to have been asked, even if they also knew that I couldn't make it. Which in a couple of the cases they did...

I haven't really been able to share how I'm feeling with anybody either... I am trying to get my heart to see the sense that my head is telling me - for the events of the week and Mr Special. When will they see eye to eye? Or am I doomed to feel alone for the foreseeable future... I hope not :-)

Leggings and Jeggings

A few days ago I read an article about what items of clothing women love but men detest. Amongst them were things like Ugg boots and harem pants, and one of my bugbears - leggings.

Seriously... leggings?! And leggings that look like jeans but aren't jeans, more commonly known as jeggings. Ugh. They're everywhere... and no signs of this trend about to end either! I'm not against everyone wearing them - some women can get away with this look, namely those who have nicely proportioned legs and wear them with something suitable, a long top or under a mini skirt or dress.

The issues I have with them are mainly to do with people wearing ill-fitting leggings, where they're all baggy or sagging around the crotch, bottom, knees or ankles. They're meant to be figure hugging so get them in the right size! And as they are tight, please be aware that they reveal every curve and show off every wobble! I know they're a comfortable piece of clothing, but that doesn't mean that you get to wear your oldest and skankiest leggings out in public. Greying or threadbare is not the look to go for.

I've also seen some girls wear inappropriate underwear underneath their leggings - made worse by the fact that they've teamed their look with a top that wasn't long enough to cover their bottom. Do some people leave the house without looking at themselves in the mirror??! Finally, I think one of the grossest misdemeaners I have witnessed is a girl walking around with a hole in her leggings under her butt cheek...

People of all shapes and sizes wear leggings, but it doesn't suit everyone... just as not every person can rock the skinny jean look, you can't all pull off the legging look. Ladies, feel free to wear them around the house or while doing aerobics or for an 80s fancy dress, but know your limits! If you know it doesn't suit you and doesn't show off your figure to its full advantage, then don't wear them, no matter how fashionable or comfy they may be.

I have never and hope I will never wear leggings - I know it doesn't suit me and I'd rather wear other things, like real jeans! I'm with the men on this one, please ditch leggings!!

And before anyone says anything, I am a great believer of dressing to please yourself, not others. So if you love leggings, and don't care what anyone thinks about them, go ahead and wear them, just make sure they fit well and that your bottom isn't on show :-)

Weekend Chit Chat

I've had a few days off from writing - not because I've not got anything to say, but because I've been sorting out my life. Well, trying to! I've had some time off work to really think about things and do the stuff that I've been putting off or just not had time to do. Sorting out my finances and investments for the year, sorting out some of my wardrobe (which involved a trek through the rain to the local charity shop), and trying to sort out my holidays. I feel loads better for having done all this, and rather grown up too!

Looking back, I did spend much of the week on my own, which to be quite honest is probably what I needed. And this weekend I've had some real quality time on my own, chilling out and relaxing and reading - I can't actually remember the last time I sat down of an afternoon with my feet up and a good book for a couple of hours. I'm looking forward to a more social week this coming week though - there is only so much of my own company that I can take!!

Having said that, I had a really fun girly evening out with 3 girlfriends this weekend. We went out and had dinner and a few bottles of vino, and we went to the cinema to watch Sex and the City 2. Now, I've read a few reviews of this film, and they ranged from bad to worse. But having watched most of the series on TV and seen the first film, I figured what harm could it do to go and see the second film - apart from the extortionate ticket price being over a tenner? And you know what, I'm glad I did - despite the storyline being a bit silly, I laughed my socks off. Yes, there were a few tender moments but mostly it was an enjoyable and fun couple of hours. A few hours to escape the reality of my life and be transported into a frilly world of fun and fashion where everything turns out okay in the end. Yay for happy endings :-)

I did text back that guy - and I was quite pleased that he texted back the next day to say thanks and take care. It was very sweet of him actually. I feel relieved that I didn't have to lie to this guy, and neither am I stuck seeing him again. Perhaps honesty - as illustrated in SATC2 very nicely, if you have seen it - is the best policy after all.

Against my better judgement this week, I've also spoken to Mr Special several times... yes, you read that right - several times. At times it has been difficult and I did have a bit of a cry, other times it felt like he had never left. I don't know... it doesn't get any easier trying to get over someone no matter how many times you go through it. And you would think that by now I'd have some recipe for doing so... the other day I read an article with tips on how to get over someone, such as putting away gifts and items that remind you of them, check; returning things to each other, check; not keeping a memento like a t-shirt of his so that you can be reminded of him and his smell..... erm, no check. I do have an old t-shirt of his, simply because I had to borrow it one day, but I've washed it and it doesn't smell of him anymore, and to be fair it's not like I can return it now. Besides, it really is just an old grey t-shirt that I never even saw him wear and I don't think he is missing it.

But I know that's not the point - for me to move on I have to let go. And that is what I'm finding hard right now. Letting go of all these hopes and dreams, letting them fade into the proverbial sunset... I have to. I've sorted out so many other things in my life, this should be no different. However, on this occasion my feelings are ruled by my heart not my head, and my heart isn't quite ready to let go.

How Do I Say No?

I have a dilemma. Remember the guy I had a bad second date with at the beginning of May? He has texted me asking if I want to meet again. Bear in mind that the date we had didn't go very well, not in my opinion anyway. And apart from one text after that evening to let him know I got home safely I haven't heard from him in about 3 weeks. I figured that his silence indicated that he too felt that the date hadn't gone well. But now what do I do? Say no and let him down and feel bad, or say yes and endure another date and feel bad...

If he really liked me, surely he would've gotten in touch sooner? It doesn't take much effort to send someone a text or an email, to keep in touch. But keeping quiet for the best part of a month made me think he didn't really see a future for us and it was an easy option to end things by not contacting me. And to be honest I didn't mind, it was just as easy for me to stay quiet and not have to say thanks, but no thanks. I was kind of hoping it was a mutual silence and that would be the end of that.

If I see him again, it would technically be our third date. I have no problem in going out for a drink or something with him on a friendly basis, but I don't want to give him the wrong idea. Some people do expect something to happen on the third date. And we haven't even kissed or anything... I know that nothing romantic can happen with this guy. I don't feel that spark with him.

How do I let him down? How do I say no????

One of my shortcomings is that I find it hard to say no to people. I don't want to feel like I've let someone down, even though I end up feeling bad. But part of learning who I am, and trying to get to be who I want to be means that I have to start doing things for myself. Do things for me, not others. And even though I am also trying to embrace life and take opportunities that are presented to me, I think this is something I will have to say no to.

I feel bad already and I haven't even contacted him. But honesty is the best policy so I will bite the bullet and send him a message...