Goodbye 2010

Hello 2011!

I've spent the last week or so at home with my family celebrating Christmas with the usual copious amounts of food and family visits. It's been really nice actually. It makes me realise what I'm missing out on not living at home anymore. And I want to make sure that next year I remember to make the time and effort to see my family more.

I've barely spoken to Mr Special these past few days. Do I feel any better or stronger for it? Not really. Am I still obsessing about him? Sadly, yes.

I want to start the new year feeling more positive about things. I do want to get over him and move on. But sometimes I just remember how wonderful he made me feel and all the little things that he used to do that made me so happy. Or I'll get a little message from him and I fall in love with him all over again. I don't know if I have the courage to tell him not to contact me, just for a little while, even if I contact him. He's coming to visit in the next couple of months too, and I know I'll want to spend every moment I can with him.

I know that he is moving on with his life, and I need to do the same. I don't want to wake up some day next year and see how happy he is with someone else and feel completely miserable. It is said that 'The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else' and I can certainly believe it. I think it's always hard to see someone move on before you. If I were in another relationship that was going well then I wouldn't care who Mr Special was seeing.

The thing that still chokes me up is that I believe we are so good together. Almost meant to be. Everything about us on paper looks like the perfect match. And I've always said that he ticks pretty much all of my boxes. We share the same outlook on life, ideals and values, hopes and dreams for the future, enjoy the same interests or can just sit in each other's company and not talk and be comfortable with that. He is my best friend and lover all rolled into one. There is nothing that I don't feel I couldn't tell him.

The only thing in our way is him. And I know you can't make someone love you back. But he has already told me that he does love me.

Life really is a bit shit at the moment.

I have run out of friends who aren't telling me wonderful things that are happening for them. Relationships are all going well, several of them are pregnant or have just had a baby, houses bought, exotic holidays planned... It seems that I'm the only one who is alone right now. Even this week when I was surrounded by family, I met several new additions to my extended family, whether it be new babies or new partners. I wonder when the day will come that I spend a Christmas with a special loved one? It used to be something I actually thought about - do I spend Christmas with my family or his? Now, it's just a distant memory.

In terms of my love life, 2010 has been a tough year. For spending wonderful time with family and friends, it has been full of lovely occasions that I will hold dear in my heart for many years to come. I've also covered some pretty cool achievements for me, some of which I hope to continue in the new year.

I do have lots of things lined up for next year already, so I'm going to try and focus on those. Weddings, parties and holidays :-) oh and a little thing called work... I really want to get myself moving so I am going to put more effort into it. I admit I was distracted after my holiday with Mr Special (3 weeks off - I could get used to not working!!) so... deep breath... New Year, New Start, New Beginnings.

I wanted my 30th year to be really special and full of memorable events... and it's been 3 months already into it. I don't want to waste time anymore. This is MY time. I have to make things happen for me.

Happy New Year everybody... I wish you, and me, all the very best.

Baby, It's Cold Outside...

London. December. Snow.

A few weeks ago we had a bout of snow, which seemed to cripple the entire country. Airports closed, passengers stranded overnight on a train, people staying home from work. I admit that I, myself, took one snow day and worked from home, although there were selfish reasons behind that as I also had an appointment to go to.

Over the last couple of days we've had another snow fall. I've got about 5 inches, and although it's not snowing at the moment, it is bloody freezing and will probably be very icy for the next few days. Again, airports are closed, flights cancelled, trains suspended, numerous accidents on the motorways, severe weather warnings and people told not to travel unless absolutely essential.

It is amazing how everything comes to a standstill with a bit of snow. It's not like this was a surprise. I was watching the news earlier about this, when a guy reporting from the airport said it hadn't been unexpected, but they needed time to clear the snow. I wonder what happens in countries where it is snowy all the time... Does life just come to a halt?

What irks me is the fact that when snow falls on a weekday, people are quick to say they can't travel to work or anywhere, but on a weekend - wow, people are out and about enjoying the snow til all hours!!

I spent Saturday at home. I had contemplated going out, as it's so much easier to walk in fresh snow rather than when it's icy or turned into brown sludge, but it felt quite decadent to have a duvet day :-) I had a glorious lie in as I'd had a late night on Friday going to Christmas drinks, cooked a yummy lunch and dinner, snuggled in a cosy jumper and blanket on the sofa and watched movies and TV with plenty of snacks to hand. No chores or housework apart from the washing up - I'll catch up on that today and sort out things around the house.

I really hope that the snow and ice clears by mid-week as I'm meant to be travelling back home to see my folks for Christmas. I don't really fancy being stranded in London on my own :-( I'm actually really looking forward to going home. Lots of TLC and R&R. This last week has been rather emotional as I had a bit of a discussion with Mr Special, not an argument, but we did air some issues.

I just read an article about getting over crushes, and one line got to me. It says "if he’s not willing to accept you now than he doesn’t deserve you later". I totally agree with this. I shouldn't sit around putting my life on hold while he is out there having fun and doing what he needs to do before coming back to me (which, I realise, he may never do anyway) because if he really wanted to be with me, he'd be with me now. He would've been sat next to me on the sofa today keeping me warm. Laughing together while watching silly Christmassy films.

I don't know how much longer my heart needs to heal... It might be cold outside but inside me it's absolutely Arctic.

It's Been A While...

I didn't actually realise how long it had been since I last wrote on here...

They say that time flies when you're having fun, and fun I have been having. But does fun equal happiness? No.

The last couple of months have been a complete mixture of lovely, social occasions and periods of intense sadness. I've been trying to distract myself with friends, family, birthdays, theatre trips, days and nights out... and more recently, with Christmas drawing closer, Christmas shopping, Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park, Taste of Christmas, the snow, Christmas carols and various parties... and... it all seems to be in vain.

I feel so unhappy. I wish that I didn't. I can't seem to get out of the habit of missing Mr Special and then giving in and talking to him. For those few precious minutes, it seems like everything is okay again. Despite the distractions and keeping busy at work, no matter how late I stay out, when I go to bed I'm reminded that I'm very much alone. Just me. In the dark. Alone with my thoughts.

My stupid thoughts. Thinking about what it would be like if we could actually be together. Wondering who he is out with instead of me? Imagining all sorts of scenarios. I end up torturing myself thinking about him and crying my eyes out.

I've tried so hard to not be in touch with him. But I keep failing.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't know what to do anymore. I just know that I don't want to keep feeling this way. I've kept it pretty well hidden from everyone but sometimes I feel like these waves of emotion are going to completely engulf me and I'll just break down.

I'm almost dreading Christmas and New Year. To me, Christmas is all about family and love and happy times. And even though I'll be with my family I know that I will feel so alone. Mr Special had said to me a couple of weeks ago that he'd come back for New Year and spend it with me, but that is not going to happen now. Instead, he might be visiting for a while next month...

And that will probably break my heart all over again :-(

I Plead Insanity

I was reminded today of Belinda Carlisle's song 'I Plead Insanity' where the chorus goes:

"I plead insanity
Whoa, I'm so mad about you
I can't think straight, I can't see straight
I plead insanity
All I do is obsess about you
I can't work days
I can't sleep nights"

That's how I feel at the moment. Every minute of every day that I have free, and even when I'm meant to be doing something, I keep thinking about Mr Special. I wish I didn't feel like this... I know I'm not doing myself any good but I can't seem to help it.

As I was browsing through some other blogs, I came across one by a girl who seems really similar to me. She's just turned 30, and like me, has been through a few dating wars herself. The difference is that her attitude towards men and dating is so different. She dates like mad, and if there is something vaguely not quite right with the guy she is quick to move on and forget about him. Firstly, I don't date multiple guys at the same time. And secondly, when my feelings and emotions get involved, I find it so hard to get myself out of it.

Sometimes I wish I could just forget about Mr Special. Go off and meet someone new. But then I feel that would negate my feelings, as though that person didn't mean a jot to me. I can't just switch off my feelings, or simply compartmentalise them and not feel them anymore. Even though this is hurting me so very much, and I want to stop the pain, I can't help but ride it out, there is no shortcut.

Albert Einstein said that insanity was "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"... I guess this is true of me in the sense that I'm holding out for Mr Special to one day turn around and say hey, I do want to be serious with you. But as long as I maintain how things are, he's not going to change... so the only logical thing is that I have to change.

Which I don't feel able or strong enough to do sadly...

Memories

In the midst of my massive clear out, I came across my old uni photo albums. I knew they were here somewhere, but I'd not seen them for a long time. I spent a good hour flicking through them, being reminded of my 3 fabulous years and the friends that I made, the nights out, the parties and boys.

I felt a bit nostalgic when I saw the pictures of me and my first ever boyfriend. I met him in my second year I think, and I was besotted with him. I didn't really know how to behave back then, but all I can say is that things were alot simpler back then. If you went out with someone, then you were boyfriend and girlfriend, completely exclusive, no question. Now, you can be dating, seeing someone, going out with someone, it might be casual or serious, exclusive or not, or officially boyfriend and girlfriend, with a view to a long term relationship. Boy, do I wish I could go back to those times where there is no doubt what's going on!

I used to entertain thoughts that I could see my whole future with my first boyfriend. I imagined us driving off into the sunset, top down, music blaring out and living happily ever after. In the end, I think it only lasted for 6 weeks.

I wish things were clearer for me now. But I seem to be in some bubble of hope. False hope. Mr Special and I talked about stuff the other day. He told me that he cares for me so much, but he cannot give me the commitment that I crave. Then he said he didn't know what the future might hold. Which is a really shitty thing to say to me because it doesn't completely rule out anything ever happening, but then he has a great get out clause in that he never promised me anything. So I could continue to hope, and to hold out that things turn out the way I want them to... but equally it could all end tits up and I'll have wasted months or even years of my life waiting for him.

The ridiculous thing is, I know that he cares for me. I'm not making excuses or trying to justify anything. But you don't have this sort of relationship with every girl you meet. I believe that people know if they don't want to be with someone pretty damned quick. For our relationship (for want of a better word) to have continued this long, and endured arguments, and holidays, and all the rest of it, it must mean something to him. If he was in it just for the physical aspect of things, I'm sure he could get that elsewhere. So why does he spend so much time with me if he doesn't care??

I miss him so much right now. I would give anything to have him lying next to me and holding me tight as I fall asleep. Him stroking my hair and gently kissing me goodnight. I remember the time I spent with him like it was yesterday.

Memories... are bittersweet.

Decluttering...

I was out last night for drinks... ended up getting a bit more tipsy than anticipated and didn't get home til about 3am. It was a really fun night out though! I certainly paid for it this morning though. Hangovers definitely get worse the older you get!

I spent today tidying and going through my wardrobe and my bedroom. Lots of clothes that don't fit me are now destined for the local charity shop. I threw out loads of crap that I've accumulated over the years, and sorted out paperwork that's been sitting around the last couple of months. It's not completely finished yet but I feel better for having done it.

Decluttering is always therapeutic I find. Out with the old and in with the new. What's the point of holding on to things that you no longer use or need? I am, generally, a bit of a hoarder. I always think, oh this will be useful one day or I might need that in the future. But I'm trying to learn to let go, of physical things and emotional things. Hopefully, clearing out the physical space will have a positive effect on my mind and perhaps I'll be able to feel less for Mr Special.

I failed on not being in contact with him today though. One step at a time! I cannot for the life of me go cold turkey and just not talk to him - I really couldn't do that. I'm going to try to lessen the contact with each day. Limit myself to a certain number of messages or emails. Already I'm wondering how on earth I'm going to achieve this, but I know it's the right thing to do for me.

Not sure what I'm doing tomorrow... I feel like I should finish tidying my room but I also fancy getting out and about. I need to keep myself busy and occupied so I don't talk to Mr Special. But then I always find myself wanting to talk to him and sharing what I've done and what's going on in my life... Why is it so complicated?

:-(

The Return

I'm back! I wonder if anyone has missed me? :-)

I had a brilliant holiday. It was just what I needed. Time to just chill out, relax, read trashy magazines and books, spend alot of time with Mr Special. I'm not going to go into great detail here, but suffice to say I had the most magical time away with him, but he really doesn't feel the same way about me, despite his assurances that he cares for me. I am totally and utterly in love with him. And it's killing me to know that he doesn't want me in the same way. I'm hurting alot right now and I don't know when this pain will go away.

In the midst of all of this, I've had to put a brave face on to celebrate my birthday. I feel... not old, I'm okay about turning 30, but it feels like everyone and everything is passing me by while I'm in this limbo land. It feels like great stuff is happening for everyone I know - in the last month, I've learnt that 3 of my friends are now engaged, one had a beautiful baby girl, 2 of my single girlfriends have found love and have gone on holidays and mini-breaks with their partners. And me... I'm stuck pining after a guy who I've just had the most amazing time with, and trying to get over him is not really working.

I think I need to stop being so in touch with him. We speak almost everyday. I know it's not healthy but I seem to have some weird compulsion to chat to him, like he is my boyfriend, but sadly he isn't. The thing is, he indulges me in it and talks to me for hours too, so there I am thinking he must like me too. And he does, he admits it. But that's as far as it goes for him :-(

Okay, Operation Talk Less must commence pronto!

Packed!

Woohoo!!! I am all packed for my holidays. Am so looking forward to some time off, a proper break. I don't think I'll be able to update my blog while I'm away but I'll share my news when I return.

Catch you all later! x

It Feels Like Sunday...

But it's really Monday! That means a short working week this week... this also just leaves me a short week to pack for my holidays!

Had a really lovely long weekend back at my folks. Lots of family meals and quality family time. Saw lots of our relatives too so it was good to catch up with them.

I had a really long conversation with Mr Special too. That was really really nice. He told me it was good to hear my voice, and that he's looking forward to seeing me. I don't know if I'm reading too much into things but it made me feel all gooey inside. It's always so much nicer to speak to him rather than emailing or instant messaging - I'm so thankful for those methods of communication but there is nothing like actually talking to someone, to hear the tones and nuances of their voice.

I'm a bit nervous about seeing him... I'm scared about how I'm going to feel. I don't want to end up getting hurt, but equally I don't want to regret not doing things. I'd much rather regret having done stuff than not.

I wish I knew what was going on in his mind. I wish... for so much stuff that will never happen.

Planning Ahead

It's the last Bank Holiday Weekend of the year... I'm off to see family, which I'm really looking forward to as I haven't been back home for a long time. Couple of days to be looked after and pampered by my parents and see my siblings. Then back to work for a measly 4 days and then it's 3 weeks off baby!! I can't wait.

I'm going to see Mr Special on my holiday... I'm not sure if it's a good idea or a bad idea but it's now been booked. I'm actually very excited and looking forward to seeing him. And he has said that he is looking forward to seeing me too. Yay! I know we'll have a great time, no work or any other obligations other than to relax and enjoy ourselves and have fun. I think, no, I know I'll be sad when I leave him, especially after a lovely holiday, but life isn't just one long holiday - unfortunately!!

To that end... I've renewed my subscription to an online dating site for a further 6 months, and I've been looking at another site too. I think that once I come back from seeing Mr Special, and having had some time on my own... I really need to then start getting over him. Unless something magical happens over the holiday, I won't be any closer to being in a proper relationship with him, and I have to move on. So, I want to get out there and meet new people, go on dates, see that there are other guys out there. I'm going to start a new course of singing lessons next term. And I'm going to go and do the things in London that I keep meaning to go and do or see but never get round to doing. And in the background of all that stuff... I'll turn 30. Must organise some sort of birthday plans too.

I'm quite excited by all the stuff that I want to do this winter... I can't wait to go ice-skating closer to Christmas time!