Goodbye 2010

Hello 2011!

I've spent the last week or so at home with my family celebrating Christmas with the usual copious amounts of food and family visits. It's been really nice actually. It makes me realise what I'm missing out on not living at home anymore. And I want to make sure that next year I remember to make the time and effort to see my family more.

I've barely spoken to Mr Special these past few days. Do I feel any better or stronger for it? Not really. Am I still obsessing about him? Sadly, yes.

I want to start the new year feeling more positive about things. I do want to get over him and move on. But sometimes I just remember how wonderful he made me feel and all the little things that he used to do that made me so happy. Or I'll get a little message from him and I fall in love with him all over again. I don't know if I have the courage to tell him not to contact me, just for a little while, even if I contact him. He's coming to visit in the next couple of months too, and I know I'll want to spend every moment I can with him.

I know that he is moving on with his life, and I need to do the same. I don't want to wake up some day next year and see how happy he is with someone else and feel completely miserable. It is said that 'The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else' and I can certainly believe it. I think it's always hard to see someone move on before you. If I were in another relationship that was going well then I wouldn't care who Mr Special was seeing.

The thing that still chokes me up is that I believe we are so good together. Almost meant to be. Everything about us on paper looks like the perfect match. And I've always said that he ticks pretty much all of my boxes. We share the same outlook on life, ideals and values, hopes and dreams for the future, enjoy the same interests or can just sit in each other's company and not talk and be comfortable with that. He is my best friend and lover all rolled into one. There is nothing that I don't feel I couldn't tell him.

The only thing in our way is him. And I know you can't make someone love you back. But he has already told me that he does love me.

Life really is a bit shit at the moment.

I have run out of friends who aren't telling me wonderful things that are happening for them. Relationships are all going well, several of them are pregnant or have just had a baby, houses bought, exotic holidays planned... It seems that I'm the only one who is alone right now. Even this week when I was surrounded by family, I met several new additions to my extended family, whether it be new babies or new partners. I wonder when the day will come that I spend a Christmas with a special loved one? It used to be something I actually thought about - do I spend Christmas with my family or his? Now, it's just a distant memory.

In terms of my love life, 2010 has been a tough year. For spending wonderful time with family and friends, it has been full of lovely occasions that I will hold dear in my heart for many years to come. I've also covered some pretty cool achievements for me, some of which I hope to continue in the new year.

I do have lots of things lined up for next year already, so I'm going to try and focus on those. Weddings, parties and holidays :-) oh and a little thing called work... I really want to get myself moving so I am going to put more effort into it. I admit I was distracted after my holiday with Mr Special (3 weeks off - I could get used to not working!!) so... deep breath... New Year, New Start, New Beginnings.

I wanted my 30th year to be really special and full of memorable events... and it's been 3 months already into it. I don't want to waste time anymore. This is MY time. I have to make things happen for me.

Happy New Year everybody... I wish you, and me, all the very best.

Baby, It's Cold Outside...

London. December. Snow.

A few weeks ago we had a bout of snow, which seemed to cripple the entire country. Airports closed, passengers stranded overnight on a train, people staying home from work. I admit that I, myself, took one snow day and worked from home, although there were selfish reasons behind that as I also had an appointment to go to.

Over the last couple of days we've had another snow fall. I've got about 5 inches, and although it's not snowing at the moment, it is bloody freezing and will probably be very icy for the next few days. Again, airports are closed, flights cancelled, trains suspended, numerous accidents on the motorways, severe weather warnings and people told not to travel unless absolutely essential.

It is amazing how everything comes to a standstill with a bit of snow. It's not like this was a surprise. I was watching the news earlier about this, when a guy reporting from the airport said it hadn't been unexpected, but they needed time to clear the snow. I wonder what happens in countries where it is snowy all the time... Does life just come to a halt?

What irks me is the fact that when snow falls on a weekday, people are quick to say they can't travel to work or anywhere, but on a weekend - wow, people are out and about enjoying the snow til all hours!!

I spent Saturday at home. I had contemplated going out, as it's so much easier to walk in fresh snow rather than when it's icy or turned into brown sludge, but it felt quite decadent to have a duvet day :-) I had a glorious lie in as I'd had a late night on Friday going to Christmas drinks, cooked a yummy lunch and dinner, snuggled in a cosy jumper and blanket on the sofa and watched movies and TV with plenty of snacks to hand. No chores or housework apart from the washing up - I'll catch up on that today and sort out things around the house.

I really hope that the snow and ice clears by mid-week as I'm meant to be travelling back home to see my folks for Christmas. I don't really fancy being stranded in London on my own :-( I'm actually really looking forward to going home. Lots of TLC and R&R. This last week has been rather emotional as I had a bit of a discussion with Mr Special, not an argument, but we did air some issues.

I just read an article about getting over crushes, and one line got to me. It says "if he’s not willing to accept you now than he doesn’t deserve you later". I totally agree with this. I shouldn't sit around putting my life on hold while he is out there having fun and doing what he needs to do before coming back to me (which, I realise, he may never do anyway) because if he really wanted to be with me, he'd be with me now. He would've been sat next to me on the sofa today keeping me warm. Laughing together while watching silly Christmassy films.

I don't know how much longer my heart needs to heal... It might be cold outside but inside me it's absolutely Arctic.

It's Been A While...

I didn't actually realise how long it had been since I last wrote on here...

They say that time flies when you're having fun, and fun I have been having. But does fun equal happiness? No.

The last couple of months have been a complete mixture of lovely, social occasions and periods of intense sadness. I've been trying to distract myself with friends, family, birthdays, theatre trips, days and nights out... and more recently, with Christmas drawing closer, Christmas shopping, Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park, Taste of Christmas, the snow, Christmas carols and various parties... and... it all seems to be in vain.

I feel so unhappy. I wish that I didn't. I can't seem to get out of the habit of missing Mr Special and then giving in and talking to him. For those few precious minutes, it seems like everything is okay again. Despite the distractions and keeping busy at work, no matter how late I stay out, when I go to bed I'm reminded that I'm very much alone. Just me. In the dark. Alone with my thoughts.

My stupid thoughts. Thinking about what it would be like if we could actually be together. Wondering who he is out with instead of me? Imagining all sorts of scenarios. I end up torturing myself thinking about him and crying my eyes out.

I've tried so hard to not be in touch with him. But I keep failing.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't know what to do anymore. I just know that I don't want to keep feeling this way. I've kept it pretty well hidden from everyone but sometimes I feel like these waves of emotion are going to completely engulf me and I'll just break down.

I'm almost dreading Christmas and New Year. To me, Christmas is all about family and love and happy times. And even though I'll be with my family I know that I will feel so alone. Mr Special had said to me a couple of weeks ago that he'd come back for New Year and spend it with me, but that is not going to happen now. Instead, he might be visiting for a while next month...

And that will probably break my heart all over again :-(

I Plead Insanity

I was reminded today of Belinda Carlisle's song 'I Plead Insanity' where the chorus goes:

"I plead insanity
Whoa, I'm so mad about you
I can't think straight, I can't see straight
I plead insanity
All I do is obsess about you
I can't work days
I can't sleep nights"

That's how I feel at the moment. Every minute of every day that I have free, and even when I'm meant to be doing something, I keep thinking about Mr Special. I wish I didn't feel like this... I know I'm not doing myself any good but I can't seem to help it.

As I was browsing through some other blogs, I came across one by a girl who seems really similar to me. She's just turned 30, and like me, has been through a few dating wars herself. The difference is that her attitude towards men and dating is so different. She dates like mad, and if there is something vaguely not quite right with the guy she is quick to move on and forget about him. Firstly, I don't date multiple guys at the same time. And secondly, when my feelings and emotions get involved, I find it so hard to get myself out of it.

Sometimes I wish I could just forget about Mr Special. Go off and meet someone new. But then I feel that would negate my feelings, as though that person didn't mean a jot to me. I can't just switch off my feelings, or simply compartmentalise them and not feel them anymore. Even though this is hurting me so very much, and I want to stop the pain, I can't help but ride it out, there is no shortcut.

Albert Einstein said that insanity was "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"... I guess this is true of me in the sense that I'm holding out for Mr Special to one day turn around and say hey, I do want to be serious with you. But as long as I maintain how things are, he's not going to change... so the only logical thing is that I have to change.

Which I don't feel able or strong enough to do sadly...

Memories

In the midst of my massive clear out, I came across my old uni photo albums. I knew they were here somewhere, but I'd not seen them for a long time. I spent a good hour flicking through them, being reminded of my 3 fabulous years and the friends that I made, the nights out, the parties and boys.

I felt a bit nostalgic when I saw the pictures of me and my first ever boyfriend. I met him in my second year I think, and I was besotted with him. I didn't really know how to behave back then, but all I can say is that things were alot simpler back then. If you went out with someone, then you were boyfriend and girlfriend, completely exclusive, no question. Now, you can be dating, seeing someone, going out with someone, it might be casual or serious, exclusive or not, or officially boyfriend and girlfriend, with a view to a long term relationship. Boy, do I wish I could go back to those times where there is no doubt what's going on!

I used to entertain thoughts that I could see my whole future with my first boyfriend. I imagined us driving off into the sunset, top down, music blaring out and living happily ever after. In the end, I think it only lasted for 6 weeks.

I wish things were clearer for me now. But I seem to be in some bubble of hope. False hope. Mr Special and I talked about stuff the other day. He told me that he cares for me so much, but he cannot give me the commitment that I crave. Then he said he didn't know what the future might hold. Which is a really shitty thing to say to me because it doesn't completely rule out anything ever happening, but then he has a great get out clause in that he never promised me anything. So I could continue to hope, and to hold out that things turn out the way I want them to... but equally it could all end tits up and I'll have wasted months or even years of my life waiting for him.

The ridiculous thing is, I know that he cares for me. I'm not making excuses or trying to justify anything. But you don't have this sort of relationship with every girl you meet. I believe that people know if they don't want to be with someone pretty damned quick. For our relationship (for want of a better word) to have continued this long, and endured arguments, and holidays, and all the rest of it, it must mean something to him. If he was in it just for the physical aspect of things, I'm sure he could get that elsewhere. So why does he spend so much time with me if he doesn't care??

I miss him so much right now. I would give anything to have him lying next to me and holding me tight as I fall asleep. Him stroking my hair and gently kissing me goodnight. I remember the time I spent with him like it was yesterday.

Memories... are bittersweet.

Decluttering...

I was out last night for drinks... ended up getting a bit more tipsy than anticipated and didn't get home til about 3am. It was a really fun night out though! I certainly paid for it this morning though. Hangovers definitely get worse the older you get!

I spent today tidying and going through my wardrobe and my bedroom. Lots of clothes that don't fit me are now destined for the local charity shop. I threw out loads of crap that I've accumulated over the years, and sorted out paperwork that's been sitting around the last couple of months. It's not completely finished yet but I feel better for having done it.

Decluttering is always therapeutic I find. Out with the old and in with the new. What's the point of holding on to things that you no longer use or need? I am, generally, a bit of a hoarder. I always think, oh this will be useful one day or I might need that in the future. But I'm trying to learn to let go, of physical things and emotional things. Hopefully, clearing out the physical space will have a positive effect on my mind and perhaps I'll be able to feel less for Mr Special.

I failed on not being in contact with him today though. One step at a time! I cannot for the life of me go cold turkey and just not talk to him - I really couldn't do that. I'm going to try to lessen the contact with each day. Limit myself to a certain number of messages or emails. Already I'm wondering how on earth I'm going to achieve this, but I know it's the right thing to do for me.

Not sure what I'm doing tomorrow... I feel like I should finish tidying my room but I also fancy getting out and about. I need to keep myself busy and occupied so I don't talk to Mr Special. But then I always find myself wanting to talk to him and sharing what I've done and what's going on in my life... Why is it so complicated?

:-(

The Return

I'm back! I wonder if anyone has missed me? :-)

I had a brilliant holiday. It was just what I needed. Time to just chill out, relax, read trashy magazines and books, spend alot of time with Mr Special. I'm not going to go into great detail here, but suffice to say I had the most magical time away with him, but he really doesn't feel the same way about me, despite his assurances that he cares for me. I am totally and utterly in love with him. And it's killing me to know that he doesn't want me in the same way. I'm hurting alot right now and I don't know when this pain will go away.

In the midst of all of this, I've had to put a brave face on to celebrate my birthday. I feel... not old, I'm okay about turning 30, but it feels like everyone and everything is passing me by while I'm in this limbo land. It feels like great stuff is happening for everyone I know - in the last month, I've learnt that 3 of my friends are now engaged, one had a beautiful baby girl, 2 of my single girlfriends have found love and have gone on holidays and mini-breaks with their partners. And me... I'm stuck pining after a guy who I've just had the most amazing time with, and trying to get over him is not really working.

I think I need to stop being so in touch with him. We speak almost everyday. I know it's not healthy but I seem to have some weird compulsion to chat to him, like he is my boyfriend, but sadly he isn't. The thing is, he indulges me in it and talks to me for hours too, so there I am thinking he must like me too. And he does, he admits it. But that's as far as it goes for him :-(

Okay, Operation Talk Less must commence pronto!

Packed!

Woohoo!!! I am all packed for my holidays. Am so looking forward to some time off, a proper break. I don't think I'll be able to update my blog while I'm away but I'll share my news when I return.

Catch you all later! x

It Feels Like Sunday...

But it's really Monday! That means a short working week this week... this also just leaves me a short week to pack for my holidays!

Had a really lovely long weekend back at my folks. Lots of family meals and quality family time. Saw lots of our relatives too so it was good to catch up with them.

I had a really long conversation with Mr Special too. That was really really nice. He told me it was good to hear my voice, and that he's looking forward to seeing me. I don't know if I'm reading too much into things but it made me feel all gooey inside. It's always so much nicer to speak to him rather than emailing or instant messaging - I'm so thankful for those methods of communication but there is nothing like actually talking to someone, to hear the tones and nuances of their voice.

I'm a bit nervous about seeing him... I'm scared about how I'm going to feel. I don't want to end up getting hurt, but equally I don't want to regret not doing things. I'd much rather regret having done stuff than not.

I wish I knew what was going on in his mind. I wish... for so much stuff that will never happen.

Planning Ahead

It's the last Bank Holiday Weekend of the year... I'm off to see family, which I'm really looking forward to as I haven't been back home for a long time. Couple of days to be looked after and pampered by my parents and see my siblings. Then back to work for a measly 4 days and then it's 3 weeks off baby!! I can't wait.

I'm going to see Mr Special on my holiday... I'm not sure if it's a good idea or a bad idea but it's now been booked. I'm actually very excited and looking forward to seeing him. And he has said that he is looking forward to seeing me too. Yay! I know we'll have a great time, no work or any other obligations other than to relax and enjoy ourselves and have fun. I think, no, I know I'll be sad when I leave him, especially after a lovely holiday, but life isn't just one long holiday - unfortunately!!

To that end... I've renewed my subscription to an online dating site for a further 6 months, and I've been looking at another site too. I think that once I come back from seeing Mr Special, and having had some time on my own... I really need to then start getting over him. Unless something magical happens over the holiday, I won't be any closer to being in a proper relationship with him, and I have to move on. So, I want to get out there and meet new people, go on dates, see that there are other guys out there. I'm going to start a new course of singing lessons next term. And I'm going to go and do the things in London that I keep meaning to go and do or see but never get round to doing. And in the background of all that stuff... I'll turn 30. Must organise some sort of birthday plans too.

I'm quite excited by all the stuff that I want to do this winter... I can't wait to go ice-skating closer to Christmas time!

Form A Queue Boys!

I read an article about the attractiveness of women being determined by their waist-to-hip ratio being the magical number of 0.7 - according to research. I'm sure I've read about this before, and about how most of the beautiful women have this waist-to-hip ratio.

So, this morning, when I was getting ready for work, standing in front of a full length mirror, I thought I'd measure my waist and hips and figure out what my ratio is. My waist is 28 inches... and my hips are 38 inches... 28 divided by 38 equals... 0.73!!! Not far off hey?!

It boosted my self confidence a little. Lately, I've been worrying about how I look as in just over a week I'll be strutting my stuff in a bikini on a beach and I don't want people staring at my wobbly bits. But equally, it kind of depressed me a little, as although this ratio deems me as attractive, it's not like I have loads of men coming after me. Not that I want loads...

Anyway, it was a bit of harmless fun. And if there is any merit in it, I guess it doesn't hurt to come in at 0.73 :-)

Two Weeks To Go...

Until I am officially on holiday! I am really looking forward to a break from work, a break from home... Just a chance to completely unwind and recharge my batteries. Days on the beach, swimming, sightseeing, spending time on my own and with others... I can't wait!

I think that I'll use some of the time to really evaluate my life. Sometimes I think I'm happy with my work, sometimes I hate it. But if I wasn't doing that, what would I rather be doing? What else could I be doing with my life? I wanted this year to be full of achievements, to be able to look back and think, I made that happen, or, I did that. I don't want to look back and regret not doing things.

I think I really need to take stock of my life and then do whatever I need to do in order to make stuff happen...

Another Baby Day

Had a lovely but tiring day today visiting another friend and her 2 kids. I've not seen them for absolutely ages as they don't come into London very often these days, and so the only way I get to see them is to go to them. I don't mind going to the effort of travelling to see my friends as I know it's appreciated, and I did promise myself that I'd try to make more of an effort to keep in touch with people.

It was a bit overcast but it managed to stay dry this afternoon, which was a good thing as we ended up going to the park and playing on the swings and the climbing frames. I had such a good time, it felt like being a kid again. I love going on the swings, trying to swing as high as I can and feel like I'm flying, forgetting all about any worries or stresses.

Today really reinforced for me that I do want a family. I know that it's not all fun and games and going to the park and playing, but I want it so much. So I have to do something about it... Get out there and meet new men who might be The One. I have to stop thinking about Mr Special and obsessing over him because he's not giving me what I want. No matter how much I want things to be different, I can't change that... No matter how perfect he seems in my head, he really isn't, otherwise he'd still be in this country, with me, making a commitment to me.

Life is short... I can't keep pining over this guy because somewhere out there, is the guy for me.

Quick Update

Just a quick post today... all is quiet on the western front. I got my smear test results the other day and I have to go back for a repeat in a few months time. Feel very bored of hospitals and people poking about in private places... and a little bit apprehensive if I'm being totally honest. I really thought everything was okay after the last time, and now it seems I'm going to go through the regular 6 monthly smears for a while longer. *Sigh*

According to the letter, my test results aren't a cause for concern, but I am still a little worried. Especially as these last few days I've been thinking about the future and how I'd like to have children... What if it turns out that I have something really terrible and I can never have kids? I'd be so gutted... so upset.

Fingers crossed there isn't anything to be worried about. But the part of it I hate is the waiting game - if I could go in next week that would be fab! Alas, here's to waiting for my appointment letter... Goodnight all!

Feeling Broody

I'm completely exhausted... Not looking forward to getting up tomorrow to go to work. I've had a great weekend but it's been completely knackering playing with little kids both on Saturday and Sunday. And... I think I'm visiting another friend next weekend to see her 2 little ones as well!

It's made me feel really broody. I see these couples with their happy families and I just think to myself, I want that. I want to be with someone who I really love, who loves me back, and to have a baby. A family. I've always wanted to be a wife and mother, and at the moment I feel like a bit of a failure because it seems so out of reach. A goal that I will never attain...

Sometimes I think that I love my life the way it is, no complications or commitments or obligations. Everything I do is based around me. But I really want to have that family network around me, to look after them, be nurturing and maternal. I know it will be hard work and tiring, I've seen first hand how hard it can be, especially if your partner doesn't really help out. But I want it, I always have.

I hope that when the times comes, if it does, that I will be a good mother. It's easy to judge and say things knowingly when you haven't experienced things for yourself - I guess you can apply that to most situations. But hopefully I'll have the benefit of my own mum, and my sisters and relatives, and my partner to be there for me.

I'm really looking forward to those days. And I do hope that they are in my future somewhere :-)

Keep It Onya!

I like to think that I do my bit for the environment. I recycle at home and at work. I try to switch things off at night. I take public transport. I carry around in my handbag a reusable bag in a pouch so that when I go shopping I can use it instead of getting a plastic carrier bag.

The one I have is an original 'Onya' bag that I bought years ago in Greenwich Market. I loved the concept that I had a bag that could fold up into a small pouch so I could just sling it into my handbag or clip it to myself and hey presto, at a moment's notice have a full sized strong bag to carry my shopping in. And I've used it so much in the last few years. And it's never let me down and shows no sign of breaking at all.

I love my bag, and I do keep it on me at all times! Last night I used it when I went to the supermarket to pick up a few things, and today I used it to carry some birthday presents for some friends. It is just so handy! I love using it in places that charge you for a bag, like in the M&S Food shops - I'm sure the number of times I've used it now has more than enough paid for the initial outlay of the bag. Plus, now I never have to be seen with dodgy carrier bags or worry that my plastic bag will break.

Have a look at their products... they've certainly come a long way since back in the day when I discovered them in Greenwich Market. I think I might get one of the water bottles and maybe the reusable sandwich wrapper for my packed lunches...

This post was inspired by me receiving another reusable bag in the post today, which has been made out of a plastic bottle! It's not quite as nice as my Onya bag but it certainly does the trick. And I believe that every little helps, so if you can, carry a bag around with you so you can use it wherever you go instead of getting yet another plastic carrier bag. If you don't want to buy a bag, just carry a plastic bag that you already have!

Knight and Day

I went to see this movie at the cinema on a bit of a whim... I literally saw the advert for it on TV the other night and thought, that looks like a good film and decided to go watch it. And I'm so glad I did because I absolutely loved it!!

The cinema was quite empty, which is just the way I like it. Fewer people means less noisy rustling of food wrappers, less people talking, no annoying heads right in front of you as you can choose a seat without people around you, and less people walking in and out of the movie. I've never been able to get my head around people who have to get up in the middle of a film to go to the toilet or buy another snack - you've paid good money to see a film and it's not like just popping to the kitchen at home, it takes time to get there and back and then you might miss a crucial bit of the film. Obviously, in an emergency situation I would go, but generally I go to the loo before the film and make sure I have my snacks and a bottle of water with me. Films aren't that long either, so I do sometimes wonder why people can't wait til the end to go!!

Anyway, I was quite surprised because a couple of people actually walked out during the film! I've never walked out of a cinema, but to be fair, I usually go and watch things that I know I will like. Okay, the storyline was very far fetched and most of the things that happened in the film are beyond belief, but I have to say it was pant-wettingly funny. I laughed out loud. Alot. Even at bits that others didn't find funny as I was the only one laughing! But I don't care... I was thoroughly entertained and I really enjoyed it.

It was a couple of hours of complete fun and laughter. It wasn't serious in any way, and didn't require alot of thought or concentration. It had the requisite happy ending for that feel-good factor. I left the cinema in high spirits, even though I'd been feeling a little upset about the departure of Mr Special.

I thought I was feeling okay about things but it kind of hit me today. Maybe it's because I didn't let myself think about it before, perhaps it's the effect of it being Friday the 13th... who knows? I'm missing him alot tonight. I had a few tears on the way home because I thought that if he were still here, I'd probably be on my way to see him. Or I'd have plans with him this weekend. Instead, we're separated by a million miles and he's probably out and about and not thinking about me.

I think partly one of the reasons I'm upset is that I sent him an email yesterday and I have not had any reply to it yet. It's been a whole day. In the grand scheme of things it hasn't been a very long time, but he usually replies pretty quickly... so it makes me wonder why he hasn't replied. Grrr. I wish I didn't feel this way...

Off to bed now - have a busy weekend planned and I want to enjoy it, not feel crap. Goodnight!

Busy Busy Busy!

I can't believe it's almost the end of the week! I've been run off my feet with stuff going on... Still talking through relationship stuff with my friends, which takes up alot of time and mental energy staying strong and positive for them, listening to them, giving them advice - hopefully good advice! Saw Mr Special a couple of nights as his time in London is almost at an end :-( I've tried not to really think about this as I know it will upset me...

Work has been really busy as well - we lost 2 members of staff in recent weeks and they haven't been replaced yet, which means yours truly has been lumbered with extra work. I don't mind helping out but I know it can't go on like this forever. I've booked some time off in September so I'll have a couple of weeks away somewhere to chill. I'm actually really looking forward to it as I haven't really had a big chunk of time off apart from the odd few days here and there.

I'm also quite excited as I have a few fun things planned in the month of August, to try and take my mind off Mr Special. I've got some special birthday celebrations, theatre outings, wedding parties and new babies to visit, as well as some other cultural stuff. I've been getting Time Out London and some of the stuff in there looks really good.

Life is pretty okay at the moment. Yes, I've had my ups and downs and I bet there are more in store but right now, all is good :-)

My Latest Lust

Well, after having quite an emotional weekend of spending much of my time talking to a couple of people who are going through bad times, I decided to indulge in a little retail therapy. As you know, I've been on a bit of a mission to use up my toiletries as I have so many lurking at home, and I thought I should apply this to my make-up drawer.

I don't have that much stuff make-up wise. I chucked out an old mascara and tidied up my other bits and have put a lipgloss in my handbag to use up. I'm really bad at remembering to use my lipsticks and lipglosses, and usually just use lipbalm, or if I'm feeling extravagant, my Rosy Lips Vaseline that gives just a hint of colour. I'm going to try to remember to use lipgloss from now on though!

Anyway, I was looking on the shu uemura website and came across these new palettes: the graceful bloom palette and the dreamy petal palette.

They're so pretty! Look at the lovely colours...

I really really want one! I can't actually decide which one I like best - I think I'd use both but it seems a bit much to buy both of them. At least I have time before I have to make up my mind - they won't be available in London until September :-( Hmm, I wonder if I know anyone going to America this month...

They have some really beautiful colours in their eyeshadow range actually, including some really glittery and spangly ones in the gem glam range. Check them out!

The One

Do you believe in The One?

I was talking to another friend this evening who is going through a rough patch with her boyfriend. Last week it seemed like I was surrounded by happy couples, people getting together or engaged or moving in with each other... this week it's break up city! We had a really good chat though, and I hope it helped her, but it really got me thinking about things.

Am I too unrealistic when it comes to affairs of the heart? Do I expect too much? I know that it's not always going to be hearts and flowers but I think that couples have to keep that spark going. No matter what other stuff is going on in your life, I believe you should always make time for your partner.

I want it all. I want the fairytale ending. I want Prince Charming to come along and sweep me off my feet and tell me that I'm the most important thing in his life. I want to be told that I'm loved and cared for. I want him to show me affection, give me cuddles and hold my hand, make me feel protected. I want him to want to be with me, to want to make me happy, not because he feels like he has to, but because he wants to.

When I'm with someone, I love doing all those little things that help to keep the spark going, cute messages, unexpected treats, and these can be small and seemingly insignificant things, they don't have to be flashy and expensive. I remember I once got an ex a bag of his favourite sweets when we were going out somewhere, it didn't cost me much in terms of money as it was only a couple of quid, but in terms of time and effort I had to trek all the way into Chinatown to buy them, but I did it because I knew he'd appreciate the gesture.

I don't believe that there is only one person out there for each of us, but I do think that at different times in our lives we will have different Ones. My first love, H, I really thought was The One. And he was at the time. Not anymore though. Right now, I feel like it is Mr Special but that's not to say that he is the guy I'll end up with.

But I do want someone who will be there for me, put me as a priority and make me feel important. I want to be in a loving relationship that is everlasting because we want to be together, and not through any sense of duty or obligation or settling for second best. I'd rather stay single than be in a relationship for the wrong reasons. Being single is lonely, but not as lonely as being in a loveless relationship.

I hope I find my One soon... I miss saying I love you to someone. I miss waking up next to someone and breathing in their scent and snuggling against them for a few minutes before having to get up. I miss having someone that I can talk to about anything and everything. Am I asking for too much? Or do I just have misguided notions of love from movies and romantic novels???

In The Boudoir...

Damn... It's not even been a week and I've broken my detox plan - had crisps and alcohol today. Oh well, it was an impromptu night out with 2 girlfriends and we ended up having a couple of cocktails and nibbles. We were having a good old natter, and of course, mix girls and drinks and yes, we ended up talking about sex. But specifically, about sexy lingerie in the boudoir.

I love lingerie. Nice and elegant lingerie, not cheap and tacky underwear. When I was younger I used to buy lots of matching sets of bras and knickers but as my size kept changing I found this to be a rather expensive habit. Now that my size is stable, I've indulged in some really fancy stuff from the likes of Myla, but most of my stuff is from M&S. I choose nice stuff though, silk bras and panties from their Autograph range fit really well. I have to be careful though, I don't tend to go for padded or contoured bras because for one thing I don't think I really need it, but also, I tend to think that it is a little bit of false advertising and it would be a bit disappointing for the guy when he got a handful of nothing.

I don't wear matching stuff everyday though. It's a pain to handwash delicates and sometimes, the pretty lacy bits or bows just don't need to be seen through your top or they give you a weird silhouette. I have loads of plain smooth bras and I just team those with black lacy knickers.

But... on a special night with a special someone, I think it is nice to wear sexy lingerie. It's really nice to wear in the daytime too - nobody knows you're wearing it but it makes you feel so pretty and feminine and sexy. One of my friends tonight argued what was the point of wearing special underwear as you only wore it for about 5 minutes before it got ripped off.

Firstly, there should be no ripping. Especially if it's really expensive and you like it! I said that you're not wearing the stuff for him, you're wearing it to make yourself look and feel good. Some women may be a bit uncomfortable showing off their bodies and may want a little nightie or camisole to cover bits that they're not so confident about. If you then feel more confident in yourself, you'll seem more sexy.

I also think that it's quite sexy to keep some clothing on for a bit anyway. And I think guys do appreciate it. But I do get where my friend is coming from though, men usually want to get at what is underneath the sexy undies so obviously would like to remove it sooner rather than later.

It was a fun discussion though, and I guess each to their own in the end. For me, I do have and enjoy wearing fancy lingerie, both in and out of the boudoir. Who says it's just for in the bedroom?!

Breaking Up Is Never Easy

Someone very close to me broke up with her boyfriend a few days ago. She's okay... it was her decision. And I think it was the right decision. But even though it was her choice, it doesn't stop her from feeling sad and guilty - sad for what she's given up and guilty for hurting him.

It's all too easy to stay in a relationship that isn't really working, being blind to the fact that you're not truly 100% happy. It is a brave thing to say to someone that things aren't really going the way you want. I guess when things are familiar and easy you don't tend to want things to change, at least you know where you stand and how things will take their course.

I've never been in this situation of doing the breaking up. In all my past relationships I've been the one who's been dumped, to pick up the pieces and start again. I always thought it was easier for the person who is doing the breaking up because it's their choice - they've had time to think about things and digest what is happening, whereas for me I always felt like the rug was being pulled out from underneath me. I never saw it coming. At least my exes were prepared for the aftermath of their decisions.

But now, I'm seeing things from the other person's perspective. It is a huge huge decision as what you're about to do affects not only yourself, but someone that you care about, someone that you did love - maybe in some ways still love in fact. It can't be easy telling someone that you're no longer in love with them.

I'm not saying that I forgive my exes for causing me so much hurt and pain, but I guess that I'm glad they did it rather than staying in a relationship that wasn't right for them. Obviously, with the wisdom of hindsight they should all realise what they've given up and that I was the best thing that could ever have happened to them!! Hahahah!!!

Detox Time

Ugh. Have had a weekend of heavy drinking - it was loads of fun but I'm paying the price for it now. I swear hangovers get worse the older I get. It's taken til today to feel vaguely back to normal. I feel sleep deprived, dehydrated and fat.

Therefore, I'm going to go on a detox for the next couple of weeks - no alcohol and no bad foods. I've got a wedding party to attend mid-August so hopefully by then I'll feel and look fabulous! And I'll allow myself to have a couple of drinks then.

To be honest, giving up alcohol won't be hard - it's the bad food part of it that I'm worried about. No crisps, no chocolate, no sweets, no pizza or other fast food... how will I cope? I've never been one for going home and pouring myself a glass of wine or unwinding with a drink down the pub, I'm more likely to stuff my face with a naughty treat. Eek! But this will be good for me, perhaps lose a little weight, let my skin improve and not spend so much money on junk food.

The detox started today so fingers crossed I can hold out for a couple of weeks!

Disappointed

I'm feeling low. I was meant to see Mr Special today but he ended up having to work late and by the time he finished it was too late. Well, it wasn't too late. I could have gone over to see him but he said he was tired and that he had work to do. I don't know if he really meant that or maybe he just didn't want to see me.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm still seeing him. There is no future there for me - he has moved away to another country and he has been dating other women. Am I secretly hoping that perhaps he'll come to his senses and realise that I'm the one for him? Yes. Is it stupid to hope for this? Again, yes. But for some reason I keep going back to this non-relationship. Because I really really like him, I enjoy spending time with him and going out for dinner and dates.

Some people would say that I should move on from this and let him see me being happy and strong and independent, and maybe that would make me more attractive to him. But why should I deny myself the pleasure of seeing him for such a big gamble? If nothing huge is ever going to happen between us then why can't I enjoy the here and now? Some of my friends have said that while there is nothing wrong with spending time with him, it could be preventing me from meeting someone else. And okay, yes, the evenings that I spend with Mr Special I guess I could be out on the town meeting drunk men in bars?? Hmm... in all honesty, the time I spend with Mr Special has never prevented me from doing other things - very rarely have I turned down something to see him instead. So if I weren't seeing him and not going out, then I'd be at home - and not that many opportunities to meet guys on my doorstep!

Unless you give online dating a whirl... I'll write more about this another day as this is yet another topic of major disappointment for me.

So there you have it... feeling disappointed and dejected and I had noone I could talk about this stuff to - not without some sort of lecture at least. It galls me that my family and close friends who I want to talk to about this stuff are the ones who I can't turn to because they won't just listen, they'll go on about how I shouldn't be seeing him and I shouldn't let him affect me, and yes, I know they only do this because they care, but sometimes I just want a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. Spare me the lectures please.

Green Eyed Monster!

Everywhere I go I seem to be surrounded by couples. I'm happy for them, and they too have had their fair share of heartache, but it is making me feel so jealous that they now have what I want. Lately I've been thinking how unfair life is that I've not found someone special to share these moments with. I've got a wedding to go to soon and I think I am the only single girl going... at least I have a decent chance of catching the bouquet then!

Friends are getting engaged, or getting into serious relationships - I've had several notifications on Facebook that so-and-so are now 'in a relationship' with so-and-so. Like I didn't already know this seeing as I'm friends with said so-and-so. I don't need Facebook rubbing my nose in it! I actually wouldn't change or put up my relationship status on Facebook - noone needs to know what stage of relationship I'm in, and imagine if you then broke up, you'd have people messaging you publicly about it! Facebook has also told me that certain friends have found a place to move in with their partner - again, is this smugness too much information?

On the other hand, I have friends telling me about their relationship problems and how they had an argument about something small and trivial. Part of me wants to grab them and shake some sense into them - why pick at small things when you have someone you want to be with for the rest of your lives. Some people yearn to have what you have, and would do nice things to show them that they care instead of picking at inconsequential things.

Humph. Even writing about this is making me feel sad and jealous. I'm sure I'll be back to my normal self in a few days but at the moment it's really getting me down :-( I just want to be loved by someone who I love back. Why is it so difficult to meet that someone???? When will it happen for me????!

Of Shrek and Shakespeare

I have been a busy bee these past few days! Lots of lovely social events and activities going on... After seeing Toy Story 3, I went to see Shrek Forever After in 3D at the cinema. I adore the Shrek films - actually, let me clarify that, I loved Shrek and Shrek 2. I did not really enjoy or even remember Shrek the Third. Did anyone?? This last film, supposedly 'The Final Chapter' was actually very enjoyable but not as good as the first 2 films.

It does strike me as a bit odd that something so successful can then be so rubbish. I do find that very rarely do sequels live up to the first film. It's silly that people rush things to capitalise on success but then produce something that is disappointing to the fans. While I hate this, I also admire those who go out at the top - instead of stretching something good and successful into something bad, they leave at the peak, leaving the fans wanting more. For example, there apparently won't be any more series of Flight of the Conchords or Gavin and Stacey and these are great shows. Very sad that there won't be any further shows but at least I'll remember them in all their glory instead of thinking, What happened to that show? Why did it go all downhill for them?

I think they could have left out the third Shrek film and perhaps incorporated some of that into this last film, making it even funnier. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed it but it wasn't up to the standard of the earlier films. If I really had to choose, I think I liked Toy Story 3 better than this film.

So was this just a week of being childish and watching animated films? No! I managed to get tickets for the Regent's Park Open Air Theatre and went to see The Comedy of Errors by Shakespeare. I have always wanted to go to the Open Air Theatre but in previous years I'd been too late to book it. It was magical. Absolutely awesome.

I'd been so worried that it was going to rain but luckily the gods were smiling down on me and the skies stayed dry. I went with Mr Special and it was such a romantic date, I really couldn't have asked for more. We went and had a picnic in the park before the show, with plenty of champagne - yum! The performance itself was great, really funny. It wasn't a play that I was overly familiar with but I'd read up on it before going so I knew the storyline. Thoroughly enjoyed it and will check out what other shows they are putting on.

The transformation from light to dark while watching the play unfold is lovely. It's so different from a regular show in a theatre. Tickets are comparable to a real theatre but trust me, this is a totally different experience. And if you like going to see plays and stuff like that, then you should go along at least once :-) I'm sure if it had rained or something then I wouldn't be so enthusiastic about it but for me, it was perfect.

Toy Story 3

Went to see Toy Story 3 in 3D this week. I absolutely love animated films - stuff like Shrek, Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Monsters Inc, Kung Fu Panda, Bee Movie, Chicken Run... the list could go on for quite some time!! Sometimes I feel like a big kid at heart, with simple pleasures like a cartoon character doing silly things that makes me laugh.

I think the first Toy Story film was one of the first ever movies I ever saw at a cinema. Ever. For me, it was a real treat, a novel way of watching a film. And even to this day I love going to the cinema and still find it an exciting way to spend an evening. I don't go as much as I'd like to though...

Anyway, Toy Story 3 was really good fun, made even better by watching it in 3D. I have to say, watching 3D movies is fantastic. I've seen Avatar and Clash of the Titans in 3D and the effects were amazing. As an aside, they actually had a trailer for Avatar - it's being re-released with "never seen before footage" which means that they will get people flocking to the cinemas AGAIN. It really annoys me when that happens - why not just release it in the first place with said extra footage instead of cheating people out of their good money twice? It's the same with music albums... they get released and fans buy them, two minutes later it's released again but with a bonus track or limited edition poster or something... and if you're a true fan then you'd want to go get it even though you have something that is 99% the same already.

Okay, rant over. Back to the point of the post... Toy Story 3 in 3D... well worth watching! It was laugh out loud funny with the same old familiar characters that you know and love, and some new ones. I especially liked the Ken doll who took a shine to Barbie, even though he was so camp! It was super cute and touching at the end though, and I confess I welled up a little as it was so sweet and poignant.

It was good fun to watch something light hearted and not too taxing on the brain... go and see it if you need some cheering up, you'll laugh I promise!! :-)

"The course of true love never did run smooth"

Today I went to see some Shakespeare at the Bridewell Theatre. They put on what is called Lunchbox Theatre - the opportunity to enjoy lunch with a "bite of culture". I was quite intrigued when I first saw the flyer for it - how good could a play be in just 45 minutes?

At the moment they are showing 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' by William Shakespeare. Tickets only cost £6 so I thought, why not? And you know what, I am very glad that I went! It was a small venue and I was surprised by how many people turned up. It's been showing since the 6th July and goes on til the end of the month.

It was a good production actually, bearing in mind that they had to squeeze in a heck of alot of stuff in less than a lunch hour. I laughed alot, felt a little poignant at the famous lines like the one in the title of this post, and was impressed by the level of skill shown by the actors. The only downside I can think of is that some of the action took place when the actors were lying down on the floor and it was a little difficult to then see their faces and movements without craning your neck and trying to look in between the people sat in front of you. I guess if you got there early and had a seat in the first few rows this would not be a problem.

Anyway, I really enjoyed it. I love Shakespeare though, so it was a really fun thing to do in my lunch break. Something different to just going out and buying a sandwich. And it meant I had a real break, real time away from my desk. So often I go get lunch and then eat it at my desk without stopping what I'm working on.

I'll definitely go again - they're doing The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer in October so I'll make sure I go one lunchtime.

In 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' they use a magical potion which causes the victim to fall in love with the first living thing that they see when they wake up. If only this was not the stuff of fairytales and plays... if such a thing existed I'd love to use it on Mr Special... or maybe Brad Pitt, hahahah!

I miss being with someone. Tonight on my walk home I saw a couple, he was a white guy, maybe early forties, she seemed young and had long black hair but was wearing sunglasses so I couldn't see her eyes, and they were just holding each other tightly and snogging like no tomorrow. He had her pressed up against the wall of some building, his hands in her hair, she was on tip toes to meet his kiss... it looked so passionate and romantic. Perhaps they hadn't seen each other for some time, maybe they're a new couple... who knows?

It just struck me as sweet that they clearly only had eyes for each other at that moment, and didn't care what was going on around them or what anyone else thought. I didn't think 'oh you guys, get a room!' but rather was thinking how much I'd like it if someone was that madly in love with me that they just had to kiss me right there in the street.

I miss kisses and cuddles. I miss the affection that you and your partner show each other. I miss falling asleep next to the person I care most about in the world and waking up the next day beside them. That would make my day.

Sunday Blues

Sunday evening. The end of a crappy day actually. I woke up relatively early and was looking forward to a nice Sunday before the working week starts again. And I was let down... I got cancelled on. I was really pissed off earlier.

Now I'm feeling a bit better. I ended up going shopping and I bought toiletries!! I know I promised not to, but this was stuff that I'd run out of, and it was boring stuff like floss and facial scrub. So it doesn't strictly count!

Tonight I caught up on the rest of my chores and finished going through some paperwork and tidying my room. Sometimes I get in a real mood for decluttering and sorting things out. It's kind of like out with the old and in with the new... a fresh start. Speaking of new things, I tried out my new eyelash curlers today and boy are they good!! They really made my lashes curl, and I felt that my eyes looked bigger and brighter. I didn't use any mascara - didn't really feel the need as I wasn't seeing anyone today - but also wanted to see how long the curl lasted. It's now been about 12 hours since I curled them and they're still holding strong. Very impressed!!

Watched Top Gear tonight - I ♥ Top Gear!!! It's one of the best shows on TV I think. I could not stop laughing during the show. They had to make their own motorhomes and drive down to Cornwall and then do all sorts of activities including cooking a 3 course meal. Hammond somehow set fire to his while making dessert. They must have so much fun making this programme.

While watching TV tonight it got me thinking... I was a little sad that I was watching Top Gear on my own. I used to watch this with H... and more recently, with Mr Special. I miss having someone around... to snuggle up with on the sofa and watch films or shows or just random stuff. It was always so nice to have a cuddle or tuck my feet underneath them to keep warm, to turn my head and be enveloped in that person's scent and warmth. To feel someone's arm around me, keeping me safe, especially if we were watching something scary. To have a gentle kiss on my cheek for no reason. I miss being with someone.

*Sigh*

Hair Horrors

Gosh... it's Saturday already. Where has the week gone?

Having a relaxing night in tonight as I've been out every night since Wednesday and I need some time at home to catch up on chores. Went shopping today - no toiletries (and on that note I have finished one body moisturiser, yay!) but I bought some new make-up brushes and some new eyelash curlers as I feel like experimenting with a new look as I had my hair cut!

The other day I noticed a white hair sticking up out of my hair. Further investigation brought forth 5 more white hairs! They were quite long as well, so they've obviously been growing a long time. Which means they've been in my hair for ages. Which means that people must have seen them!! White hairs are really noticeable on me as I have black hair. Plus, because I am short everyone inevitably looks down on me and probably sees them before I notice them. Boo.

Anyway, as I was looking in the mirror I realised that my hair had grown quite long. I think it's been about 3 months since I last had my hair cut so it was quite long and the ends looked all straggly and out of shape. So I booked a hair appointment for the following day and off I went.

I'm never really that adventurous when it comes to having my hair done. It usually is about shoulder length with some layers cut in. This time, I got it cut a bit shorter, not intentionally, but it now is about an inch above my shoulders. I have a sort of fringe too, swept to one side. I think it looks good, but it is rather annoying at times as it gets in my eyes and isn't long enough to tuck behind my ears.

They say it takes a few days to get used to a new hairstyle so fingers crossed it'll grow on me - no pun intended! But I'll use this opportunity to update my look and perhaps try a few different things. I want to start curling my eyelashes so that my eyes look bigger. I've tried in the past but it never seemed to work - perhaps I just had crap eyelash curlers - but I've even tried things like heated eyelash curlers.

Tomorrow I'll try out my new stuff... I'm seeing some friends tomorrow so it can be a bit of a trial run. Just finished dinner and watching Friends on TV and then I think an early night is in order - I changed my bed linen today so I'm looking forward to snuggling into fresh sheets - one of my favourite random things :-)

Food, Glorious Food!

One of my most favourite things in the world is FOOD. I love eating. And I love cooking.

I've always loved food. I was a chubby child, always finishing the leftovers at mealtimes. I think I was the only person in my entire primary school who actually liked school dinners and went up for seconds. I think this is partly because it was such different food to what I was given at home, whereas the English kids ate stuff like pasta and shepherd's pie all the time so it wasn't really exciting or new for them.

I'd say I was quite a chubby teenager too, but then in my late teens when I went away to uni I did lose weight. Coupled with stress from exams and studying and pulling all-nighters, along with the continuous nights out dancing and drinking, I was probably at my skinniest when I was about 20 years old. Then I met H in my last year and we ended up living together after graduation... and as we spent more time indoors together my weight crept back up.

At my biggest I was a size 12. That's nothing, I hear you cry... and a size 12 isn't big or fat. But bear in mind that I am quite short and petite, so extra weight on me is more noticeable than on a taller person. I remember one New Year's Eve I was at H's parents' house and he took a photo of me sat in an armchair - oh my goodness! Double chin, podgy arms and rolls of flab around my belly. I was quite disgusted at myself.

I lost the majority of the weight when H and I broke up. I was distraught. I was so upset that I didn't actually eat. Usually when I'm upset I comfort eat, but a couple of times now I've been in such a bad way that I don't eat - that's when I know I'm really upset. I'm now a nice size 8-10 but I still have a very healthy appetite.

People keep trying to scare me by saying that my metabolism will go to pot when I hit 30, and that everything starts going south, and that I'll suffer from middle-age spread. Hmm. I don't know if that's true or not... I've been trying to eat better and do more exercise but I don't really seem to be getting into the swing of things.

For a while I tried grazing, having lots of little meals throughout the day to keep my energy levels up. I attempted the Atkins Diet, but I couldn't even go one day without carbs. I think I suit having proper meals with little or no snacking in between. I've been trying to feast like a King during the day, as in trying to take in the majority of my calorie intake at breakfast and lunch, and then eat like a pauper in the evening, thus having a smaller meal at dinner time so that I can use my calories in the day. Is it working? Hell, no! I'm finding that I'm eating more and more at lunchtime, yet still having the same kind of meal later on - I don't eat any less.

It is also difficult because I tend to go out for dinner quite a bit. The other day I went out to a lovely restaurant with Mr Special and indulged in a fancy 3 course meal plus wine and even dessert wine. It was soooooo good. I was completely full after that meal and didn't eat until the next day at lunchtime.

I don't really abide by any diet or rules as such. I eat what I like and when I like and how much I like. I'm guided by the principle that my body tells me what it needs... so I don't deprive myself if I fancy something sweet. I also don't take any vitamins or supplements, as I believe that we should get all our nutrients from the food we eat.

Is this the best way to eat? I don't know... but it seems to be working for me. I just need to work on the exercise part to tone myself up but apart from that I'm pretty happy with my shape and size. I watched 'The Ugly Face of Beauty' tonight on TV, and it showed so many people who were unhappy with their bodies that they had plastic surgery. I know I can't change some things about me, like my height, but the size and shape of your body can be changed with different eating habits and exercise. People opt for the quick fix, which can sometimes go wrong and have horrific consequences.

For now, I'm going to just eat whatever I fancy :-)

Toiletry Trauma

I love beauty products and toiletries - I am a girl, after all! But I'm not an overly girly girl. Yes, I like pink - but in moderation and only certain shades of pink. I'm more of a hot pink than baby pink kinda gal. When it comes to make-up, I tend to be quite lazy and use it sparingly, saving it for special occasions when I can be arsed to put it on.

But put me in any Boots store and I can guarantee that I can spend a fortune in there. I just love buying various lotions and potions that promise various things from younger looking skin to getting rid of blemishes, and now that I am approaching the big 3-0, anti-ageing creams and anti-wrinkle lotions.

I think this stems from my teenage years when I was really concerned about my appearance and skin... well, who isn't when they are 14 and have a huge zit on their nose? I remember trying all sorts of creams and skincare routines, and spending most of my pocket money on it too! I had a bit of a penchant for posh brands found in department stores, such as Clarins and Clinique. I'd hang around the beauty counters where the sales assistants would pounce on you and give you a free demo of their products along with handfuls of free samples for you to take home and try, and then sucker you into buying their products as when you bought 2 items you were given a free gift, usually consisting of a hideous make-up bag and some creams that weren't even suitable for you.

I actually still have a few of these promotional gifts lurking around, a compact mirror from Clarins that I thought looked really cool and expensive but I never use and some day-glo orange cosmetics case that I use to keep mini toiletries for travelling in.

I have to say, thank goodness, that now I am older and wiser I know my skin type and what products suit my skin, and I rarely impulse buy now. But tonight I was struck by exactly how many toiletries and things I have in my room... ALOT!! I could probably open a small shop and sell all the things I have here. Perhaps it's the Chinese in me that looks out for bargains and bulk buy things I know I'll use... but now they're all languishing in my room and there is only a limited amount of creams and lotions that I can use in a day.

So, I have made a solemn vow to use everything in my room before buying new products. Obviously if I run out of something I can buy that product, but nothing that I already have - even if it is a BOGOF deal! Special offers always come and go so I'm not missing out if I let an offer pass by.

At the moment I have 2 face creams and I think 3 different bottles of body moisturiser on the go. Not to mention 3 tubes of hand cream, 4 lipbalms, 2 facial oils... the list goes on! I am going to use up open products first and then use all the new stuff that I have in my cupboard and on my toiletries shelf.

I don't know how long this will take me, but I'm hoping that this exercise will save me a bit of money, clear up some valuable space in my room, and by the end of it I'll stick with the brands that I really like, rather than chopping and changing. Hopefully my skin will thank me for it too :-)

World Cup Final

Hurray! The World Cup is finally over!!! I actually watched it - much to my surprise! And it was an okay game. Not thrillingly exciting but not bad. I was rooting for Spain to win against The Netherlands, and I'm glad I did. The Netherlands played a dirty game... tackles galore and numerous bookings.

When the game went into extra time, I confess I did channel switch and watched some other random things but during the advert break I flicked back to the BBC just in time to see Spain score the winning goal, with minutes to go til extra time was over. So glad I managed to see it - not that I would have been that sad to have missed it but seeing as I'd watched most of it already it would have been a poor show to miss the goal.

I expect the whole world will be talking about it at work tomorrow... not looking forward to going to work actually. I think it's because I've had such a nice weekend and I want the nice weather to continue... alas the forecast is for rain next week. Boo.

I saw Mr Special this weekend... perhaps that is what made the weekend so nice? We had a lovely dinner at a really nice restaurant and then hung out together the following day. He also chauffeured me about in his car when I had a few errands to run - which was completely unsolicited and I wasn't exactly going to say no either! It was really great to see him again after all this time and spend some time with him as I thought he might have been too busy to see me.

Am I setting myself up for another fall? I don't know. All I know is that I'm enjoying the time I've spent with him, and we have made further plans for this coming week. Despite the rain!

Anyway, I better get some sleep otherwise I will not be getting up in time for dreaded work!

Happy National Macaroni Day!

I didn't even know such a day existed, but yes, today is National Macaroni Day. And yes, you've probably guessed that this is an American thing... who else would have a whole day dedicated to one type of pasta?

I actually came across a whole calendar of food related holidays in America during my research about National Macaroni Day. I thought it was something quite kooky and cool, but it would seem that pretty much every other day is a national day of something. Which makes it less special or interesting really...

However, having found out what today is, I immediately had cravings for macaroni cheese! And so, I gave in to the calorie-laden cheese fest and had macaroni cheese for dinner tonight. It was scrumptious. Delicious tubes of pasta fulfilled my need for carbs, and the cheese, oh the cheese... was divine. I make my macaroni cheese with some slices of tomato between the actual pasta and the top layer of cheese too. I thought it was a weird thing to do when I first saw the recipe, but try it, it's really tasty and gives it a bit of an edge.

I don't understand people who don't eat carbs. They're a staple part of our diet and if we weren't meant to eat them we wouldn't have them. Of course, you can limit the amount you eat, just like with anything, but I do believe it's unhealthy to totally cut out a food group out of your diet. I once tried the Atkins Diet in a bid to lose weight, and I couldn't even manage a day! I love stuff like rice, pasta, bread, potatoes... well, to be fair, I love all foods.

I was also reminded today that it is 5 years since the 7/7 terrorist attacks in London when bombs exploded on 3 Underground trains and 1 on a bus. Luckily I wasn't even in London on that day... but I still had lots of people ringing and texting me to ask if I was okay. I remember being scared to travel on the Underground after that, but now I think nothing of it.

It's good to be reminded every now and then that life is precious and it can be taken away from you through no fault of your own. Make each day count. Don't let life slip by...

My Latest Lust

'My Latest Lust' posts are about things that I have a huge desire for... be it clothes, gadgets, food, random things I see in the shops or on TV. They might be things that I go on to buy or just be things that will remain in dreamland :-)

This weekend I had the opportunity to play with Apple's iPad - and I really really REALLY want one! I'm a big fan of Apple, I have my beautiful MacBook and the iPhone 3GS.

When it first came out, I wondered what all the fuss was about and what could the iPad do for me that I couldn't achieve on my MacBook and iPhone? I still wonder about this, and I've been thinking about when I would actually use it if I had one. Most times I have my MacBook with me, and when I don't I can manage on my iPhone - so is an iPad really necessary?

No, not at all.

But it doesn't stop me from wanting one. It would be a totally frivolous purchase and who knows if the novelty factor would wear off as it wouldn't give me anything I couldn't already do.

On the subject of Apple, I am quite disappointed that I can't upgrade my iPhone 3GS to the iPhone 4... it would be too expensive to buy out the remainder of my contract :-( I have downloaded the new iOS 4 software though, and am pretty chuffed with that for now.

Great Friends

Aww, I've had the most incredible weekend. I'm so knackered at the moment I can barely keep my eyes open but I just wanted to share a huge happy moment of being content with life.

I've reconnected with old friends who I haven't seen for many years, caught up with some good friends who I don't see very often, and seen some of my really close friends. It's really made me think about my friendships and who I am still in contact with after all these years. It's also made me yearn for my student days, when life was easy and had relatively few complications. Lots of great memories and moments of reminiscing!

Although it's not the beginning of the year, it's the beginning of July - wow, half of 2010 is over already... time flies! So I'm making a kind of half year resolution - to make a real effort to maintain my friendships. Instead of thinking that I can't be bothered to call X or make arrangements to see Y, I'm going to really try to keep that contact going. It's too easy to let months go by without speaking to someone.

Friends, real friends, are always there for you and friendships, like all relationships, need working at. It's all about give and take. Go on, ring that old friend you keep meaning to, stop cancelling to see someone because you're now coupled up, go and be a true friend.

Down Below...

Big smiles and feelings of relief today.

I had to go for a follow up appointment at the hospital today to have another look at my bits down below - I've had a few abnormal smear tests in the last few years and got referred to my hospital eventually so they could take a closer look and see what was going on. I first went 3 months ago, and today was the long awaited follow up.

I've been feeling nervous about it, wondering what they'll find and if they'll have to do anything. The amount of information they give you and what you find on the internet is, quite frankly, pretty bloody scary.

The Clinical Nurse Specialist that I saw today was lovely - really patient and reassuring, and went through everything with me before doing anything. During the examination, she told me what she was going to do before she did it so I wasn't surprised or shocked. She was really understanding actually, and asked the other nurse to get a smaller speculum for me as she could tell how uncomfortable I was finding it. You'd think that after going for smears every 6 months for goodness knows how long I'd be used to it, but I still hate having it done!

A new thing for me today was that on a little monitor I could see exactly what she could see! I didn't have that the last time I went. It was rather amazing and quite gross all at the same time. I'm not really squeamish so I was watching avidly as she poked about down there. I saw my cervix and vagina - a first for me! :-) I watched as she performed the smear test and then did a few other things to check for any abnormalities and I'm pleased to report that the findings are normal. Hurray!!!!!

I've got to wait a few weeks for the smear test results and go for another follow up in 6 months but fingers crossed, that will be it. So so so pleased and happy!

Ladies out there, please don't put off having your smear tests done - I know they're not the most pleasant thing to have done, but it really can be an indicator if something is wrong down below. And most times, abnormal results do not indicate cancer, just that there have been some cell changes and they keep an eye on these changes. If it turns out to be more serious, then a proper diagnosis and treatment plan can be sorted out.

For me, knowing that all is healthy and normal down there is the best feeling in the world. It's always difficult to know what's going on inside when you can't see it for yourself, so today was a real eye opener!

I'm really looking forward to this weekend now that this weight is off my mind... I'm seeing lots of my old friends as one of my friends is celebrating his birthday and he's organised a huge party - roll on Saturday!

Tipsy

I am a little bit tipsy as I write this sitting in my bed... I had a few drinks after work with some of the guys from work. Lovely evening, great food, delicious vino and fab company. What more can a girl ask for?

I've had a few things to digest these last couple of days... mostly that Mr Special is coming back to London next week so I'll have a chance to see him again if I want to. Part of me really wants to see him. And part of me wants to forget him. And I don't know what to do!

The other bit of news is that my ex H is now a proud father! I am happy for him, but I feel a bit weird and not really sure why... perhaps it's the knowledge that he now has everything that I want... to be married to the one you love and with a baby. A perfect little family.

Feeling tired and tipsy but just wanted to share those thoughts :-)

Treading on Toes

Arghhhh... I have a gripe about Londoners. Possibly this problem could extend to the whole of the country. Why is it that in the summertime when I wear flip flops or sandals somebody always ends up treading on my toes or heels?

This problem doesn't ever seem to happen in the winter when I wear proper shoes or boots - only when my toes and heels are exposed - or perhaps I just don't feel it when they tread on my shoes or boots?! I'm not sure!

And it's not even that I wear really flimsy or rubbish summer shoes - I usually wear my Birkenstocks, which have quite a high edge all around your foot, encasing it properly. Yet people still tread on my heels! I don't walk that slowly, and it's not like you can't see someone in front of you, yet it always happens... someone will tread on the heel of my shoe and I end up half falling over. Worse still, in the past my sandals have broken as a result of this - the force of me lifting my foot up while someone is treading on the heel caused the straps to snap and then I had to limp around with broken sandals that didn't stay on my feet.

So please, even if you're in a rush, look where you're walking! :-)

Football Failure

Today I went round to my friend's house for the obligatory BBQ that always seems to get taken out whenever there is a glimpse of sunshine in the sky. Today, however, was absolutely glorious! Hot and sunny... in fact, at times I felt that it was too hot - and that's a rare thing to say in London!

I was really careful to slap on the factor 30 and sit in the shade - and I made a point to not wear my sunnies. Especially after plenty of ribbing from my friends about my panda eyes. I'm pleased to report that all pinkness has faded into a nice shade of brown, but that means the tan mark is even more noticeable... and I don't actually know if I can get the tan to fade or to tan the white bits so my face looks like one colour.

Anyway, after munching on some burgers and sausages and salad, it was time for the game! Now I'm no football fan, but I decided to make an exception as it is the World Cup, and it was England against Germany. Plus, I was with a group of close friends and I think the atmosphere there was really chilled out and fun, so it makes it more fun to watch the match together, really get into the spirit of things. But what a disappointing couple of hours of my life... England were playing terribly and lost 4-1. It was such an outrage that England's second goal was disallowed, as the playbacks showed very clearly that it was over the line.

Who knows what might have been if we'd reached half time 2-2... would the psychological boost have helped England to defend better against the next 2 goals? Or were they so disheartened by the decision to not allow the goal that they handed the game to Germany on a plate?

Having never really watched a football match properly I did find it quite exciting - cheering England on, booing at the appropriate moments, shouting at the TV... and then I found myself a couple of hours later watching a second match between Argentina and Mexico. What a brilliant game! Full of action and exciting goals and lots of near misses. I couldn't take my eyes off the TV!! Am pleased that Argentina won 3-1.

So there you have it - I've become a bit of a football fan just as England gets knocked out of the World Cup and I have no team to cheer on...

Sunburnt and Sad

Well, after all that debate over whether to be tanned or not, I've come home this evening after a day out in the sun and I'm pink instead of brown! :-( My tan marks are even worse and way more noticeable now... I look like I have panda eyes! It's like I've had ski goggles on and then been blasted by wind and snow and sun and now have a very clear and defined mark around my eyes.

I thought I was being careful but obviously not enough! And now my poor face and arms and a bit on my chest are all pink and frazzled. I look and feel quite ugly instead of the gorgeous sun-kissed look I was going for. I'm hoping I haven't done too much damage to my skin - I've been moisturising it like mad and drinking gallons of water to rehydrate myself. Fingers crossed the pinkness will fade overnight and it will be okay in the morning - I have a BBQ to go to and the footie to watch! Which means I will be in the presence of men - and okay I'm not that vain but I want to look nice rather than pink and panda eyed.

Luckily I've never been really badly sunburnt - the most damage I've had is going pink and then it turns brown. I haven't had to deal with uncomfortable peeling dry sunburnt skin - touch wood! But I think because the marks that I'm most worried about are on my face is causing me to be a bit distressed about it - obviously the skin on your face is much more delicate the skin on your body, especially around the eyes, hence I wore my sunglasses pretty much ALL day. And even though I've done that most days for the past week I haven't had any major marks on my face. Guess the sun was alot stronger today... and it looks like we'll be having our hottest day of the year so far tomorrow.

I think I, like most other people, worry about facial appearance because it is one of the first things that somebody notices about you. When you get introduced and start speaking to people they watch for cues in facial expressions and body language. You can't get away from people looking at you in everyday life. The skin on my arms and chest I can easily cover up but I can't really cover my face!

I am so tired today and practically falling asleep on my MacBook so I'm off to bed and hopefully my good night of sleep will help to repair some of my skin cells :-)

To Tan or Not To Tan?

Over the last few days I've built up a bit of a tan as I've spent most of my time outdoors in the glorious sunshine. When I went back to work everyone commented on how well I looked, and how brown I was. It got me thinking, do I look better suntanned or not?

I tan relatively easily, but I do try to be careful in the sun and use copious amounts of sun lotion. I think I do look a bit more attractive tanned, I feel more confident and slimmer. I think having a bit of colour helps to even out my skin tone and hides blemishes, especially on my face. It's like putting on foundation or tinted moisturiser - not that I use either of these products - but it just seems to help hide any scars or spots or marks on your skin.

But I hate having tan marks... I've got a couple of strap marks on my shoulders and a line on my face where my sunglasses were. It's SO annoying! I have a wedding to go to next month and the dress I'm wearing is strapless so it will look weird with tan marks. Not quite sure what I'm going to do to disguise it...

I've been sunbathing topless only once before when I was on a beach holiday in Ibiza a couple of years ago. I never thought I'd ever have the guts to do that but it was really rather liberating and I loved the all over tan I got from it - but it's not really the sort of thing you can do here!

I remember my Mum telling me to keep out of the sun because having white skin was seen to be more desirable as it meant that you were more well off and didn't have to go work in the fields outdoors and therefore get suntanned. And it seems that some Asian women still strive for white skin - when I go back to visit relatives and family I always see lotions and potions to whiten skin and women actually buy it. It seems so odd that over here women buy fake tan to make themselves look darker!

Anyway, I've decided that for me, I do look nicer with a slight tan. I don't want to get really brown, and neither do I want to look like I've been tangoed orange with bad fake tan! So I'll continue to use my factor 30 sun lotion everyday and if I get a little bit of colour then that's no bad thing.

Some Alone Time

Despite having felt quite lonely recently, I've been away for a few days completely on my own without any communications with the outside world except for a couple of texts to let my family know that I'm okay. And you know what, I actually feel that I am okay. I wouldn't say that I'm back to my old self just yet, but I am definitely on the way.

No telephone calls, no emails, no messaging, nothing with Mr Special for the last few days... and I've survived it. And it can only get easier, can't it? Hopefully!

Although I've been feeling jealous about this girl, realistically it's not about her - it could be anyone. If he wasn't dating her, he would be dating someone else. He could be dating a million girls and it shouldn't matter. I shouldn't be directing my thoughts and time towards her, because she doesn't matter - and neither should he (although he still does) and I should be focusing on me. Because I matter. Alot.

For the past few days I've had quality time to myself, doing things I want to do - visiting places that have really made me appreciate who I am, catching up with some old uni friends over the weekend, meeting some new people who will in time, I hope, become good friends, lots of good food, relaxing time in the sun, a bit of exercise, and best of all, time off from work. I realised that I hadn't actually taken any proper leave this year apart from the odd day here and there so I thought it was a good time to take off and recharge my batteries.

I have a much more positive outlook on life at the moment, and I hope that this feeling lasts. I know that good things come to those who wait, but I guess you also have to be active in making your own luck. I've got loads of events coming up over the summer, and lots of ideas up my sleeve so I just have to set the wheels in motion... and I promise to faithfully blog my happy and not so happy experiences.

On a very personal note to end, I got my period today - which is a couple of days late for my cycle. Was I worried? Yes... a bit. With all the best intentions in the world no method of contraception is ever fool proof and a tiny part of me wondered whether I could be pregnant, and if I was, what would I do? It was a happy yet weird thought process, but I'm glad I no longer have to think about it :-)

6 Deadly Sins

Last night I went to Theatre 503, a small theatre above The Latchmere Pub in Battersea. For one night, they were showing '7.1 Beyond Control' by Golden Delilah - a performance involving 7 short plays about each of the 7 Deadly Sins. Or so I thought. When I read the programme, the play about Greed had been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances, which was a real shame, and as such, I only saw 6 Deadly Sins.

It was a fantastic show actually. Great performances and all very different. I wasn't really sure about what I had been expecting, but it made me really think about myself and what sins I suffer from.

I think to some extent I am guilty of each of the sins. Definitely gluttony - I love food and eating, and sometimes I do eat too much. But I think that is part of my upbringing - I was taught not to waste food, and also my family made a big deal of everyone sitting down for dinner together each night. Being Chinese, many of our social activities revolve around food, bringing people together to celebrate various things and events... all food related!

I don't necessarily think that I am greedy though - not for material objects and wealth. Of course, I enjoy nice things but I work hard and save my money so that I can afford the things that I want - I don't just go spending outside of my means.

Am I slothful? Not in the sense that I haven't worked hard to get where I am. After uni, I worked my butt off so that I could fund myself through a Masters degree without having to rely on anyone else. Sometimes I am lazy about small things, like washing dishes or doing chores, but usually I just put them off til the next day - it's not like I never do that stuff!

Do I suffer from wrath? Yes. I think everybody gets angry and has hateful feelings from time to time. It takes alot for me to say I hate somebody though, just as hard as it is for me to say I love somebody too. They are both extreme feelings on the spectrum, and I don't feel these all the time.

I definitely suffer from lust - when there is somebody that I'm interested in or perhaps had a few dates with and things are going well, especially in the case of Mr Special, I do have lustful feelings of a sexual nature towards them. It's only natural. I'm not ashamed of it, and I won't say that I don't have these feelings. For me, sex is a really important part of a relationship - no, it's not the be all and end all, but it ranks pretty high up there for me.

Envy... yes. I am feeling it now. I am jealous and envious of the girl that Mr Special is dating. I feel envious of all the people who have found their life partner and are living my dream. Yes, I know I have so much in my life that I wouldn't want to change, but I really want to one day be in a monogamous, committed and loving relationship. I want to find my soulmate, my best friend, the person I want to spend the rest of my life with who also wants to spend the rest of their life with me. Someone to hold my hand... forever.

Finally, pride - the deadliest of all sins. I actually think I'm okay on this one - I don't think that I am necessarily better or more important than other people, just different. I don't take credit for something that someone else has achieved - that would be an empty satisfaction, knowing that I had cheated or not set out to do what someone thinks I have done. I know my downfalls and faults, and I work hard to conquer them. I am proud of the things that I have done in my life but it doesn't make me any better than anybody else.

So there you have it... Have a think about yourself and see if you too are guilty of any or all of the 7 Deadly Sins.

Facebook - Friend or Foe?

I hate Facebook. But I am addicted to it.

I joined back in February 2007 and at first I didn't really have much to do with it. As more and more of my friends joined, I slowly got sucked into the world of status updates, photos and applications.

Since the whole privacy issues surrounding Facebook came up, a few of my friends have actually deleted their accounts because they didn't want their details made available to all and sundry. I wish I had the willpower to delete my account.

I've found myself checking Facebook every moment that I can, looking at friends of friends, namely Mr Special's friends, trying to find a clue as to who he is dating. Every time he posts something I find myself reading and re-reading it and any comments, trying to figure out what is going on in his head, trying to find some clue as to why he doesn't want to be with me.

It's stupidly ridiculous. Firstly, I know you can't infer deeper meaning from the written word, it's like seeing a hidden meaning behind text messages, or seeing the positive side of things, making it fit your ideals when really it might not have any further meaning to it at all. It's like reading your horoscope in a newspaper or magazine and finding any small excuse to make it fit what is going on in your life. Secondly, Mr Special is not stupid - would he really post anything to do with his new lady friend on Facebook knowing full well that we are Facebook friends and I'd be able to see it? No. He says that he doesn't want to hurt me, and he knows how obsessed I am with Facebook :-)

Despite this, I still check it... and I know it's a futile exercise and a complete waste of my time. Yet I still do it. What is wrong with me?!

Emotional Betrayal

I've been thinking long and hard today about Mr Special.

Am I upset because I've lost him, or because I've lost the hope and promise of a 'happily ever after'?

I think it's a bit of both to be honest. I miss being with him, having that connection with someone that you don't have with anyone else. I miss our conversations, our dates, the fun and silly times we shared together. I miss thinking about a future with him, and what we'd be doing next week, next month, next year...

I read an article today about whether women could forgive an affair or not. It basically said that women were more likely to forgive a one night stand or just sex, rather than a long-term affair - because not only had the trust been broken, but the man had forged an emotional attachment with the other woman. The article points to evidence from evolution and science, suggesting that men are programmed to spread their genes whereas women need to secure a mate to look after her and her offspring. If the man begins to look after another woman then he won't be around to look after you.

Hmm, I'm not sure how easily I could forgive someone for having a one night stand with the excuse that it was 'just sex'. But I also think it's a valid point about emotional betrayal. It's not the fact that Mr Special is now doing the business with another girl, it's also the time and attention he spends on her. Going out on dates, spending time with each other, getting to know each other inside out, all that leads to a pretty intimate and bonding relationship. And I can't get my head around the fact that someone who did all that with me, can now so easily be doing that with someone else who he has just met!

Having an emotional and intellectual connection with someone is just as important to me as the physical connection. I'd feel betrayed and cheated on just as equally if my guy kissed someone else, had sex with them, or started confiding in them about their thoughts and feelings and spending quality time together. I don't think guys totally get this though, as they think cheating only happens once you've slept together. An old ex of mine maintains that he never cheated as he officially broke up with me before he had sex with the other woman, despite months of communicating - talking on the phone and messaging each other - the intent was all there... He had already betrayed my trust by getting to know this woman and talking about being together... anyway, that's a whole other kettle of fish for another post one day.

Getting back to Mr Special then, yes, I feel betrayed and hurt and angry that he's moved on so quickly. I feel jealous that he's spending time with someone else, that she is now experiencing all the wonderful things that he is capable of, that she now gets to hear his thoughts and feelings, and I'm stuck halfway across the world on my own. Great.

Life sucks sometimes.

Heartache and Heartbreak

Wow, it's just gone 10.30pm on Friday evening and I'm sitting in bed typing this post. It's been a long and emotional day. To borrow a phrase from Glee, I've been in a 'funk' this week... I've felt so down and depressed about various things and I felt marginally better after I wrote my post last night. And then one of the worst 24 hour periods of my life began...

I found out that Mr Special is dating someone. Already. After being gone for a mere 3 weeks he has found himself a new lady friend. Is it the case that guys take less time to get over someone? To fall out of love? Or do I just have a really hard time in letting go?

We emailed a few times last night, where he confessed that he had started seeing this girl, but that he didn't want to upset me. Bit too late for that! Needless to say I had a sleepless night... which resulted in me feeling super tired and looking like shit today. I went in to work, despite wanting to call in sick, but it was quiet so I kept myself to myself in my office. Big mistake. Big fat tears of sadness... heartbroken sobbing... the full works... snot galore :-)

I feel an overwhelming gut-wrenching sense of jealousy - what does she have that I haven't got? Do I mean that little to him that he can so easily forget me and what we had and move on to some other girl? Is it a case of out of sight, out of mind?? Bear in mind that we have been talking pretty much everyday for the last week and a bit... no mention of any girl, spending hours messaging each other.

I feel like my heart has broken into a million and one pieces, yet again, and I still love him with each little piece. I told him that I missed him, and he said that he missed me too. Yeah, it looks that way, with you finding a replacement for me so soon.

Our communication ended with me sending a really long email, much of which probably doesn't make much sense given the state I was in when writing it, and he hasn't responded. My thoughts to that are he is either watching the FIFA World Cup that started today (very exciting!) or he is out on a date with her seeing as it is Friday night... who knows? I keep torturing myself with scenarios of him getting married to her, being able to give this girl everything that I want from him.

Will I ever find true love and happiness? There have been less than a handful of occasions where I think I've found it, and it's going to last, and then something happens and I'm left picking up the pieces again. Sometimes I feel like time is running out for me. Only yesterday did I find out one of my friends is getting married next year and another one of my best friends gave birth to her second child. When will it be my time for my fairytale ending?

Anyway, I'm going to try and get some sleep tonight. What has happened has happened and I can't change it so I have to put up with it and try again to move on from this...