Hello 2011!
I've spent the last week or so at home with my family celebrating Christmas with the usual copious amounts of food and family visits. It's been really nice actually. It makes me realise what I'm missing out on not living at home anymore. And I want to make sure that next year I remember to make the time and effort to see my family more.
I've barely spoken to Mr Special these past few days. Do I feel any better or stronger for it? Not really. Am I still obsessing about him? Sadly, yes.
I want to start the new year feeling more positive about things. I do want to get over him and move on. But sometimes I just remember how wonderful he made me feel and all the little things that he used to do that made me so happy. Or I'll get a little message from him and I fall in love with him all over again. I don't know if I have the courage to tell him not to contact me, just for a little while, even if I contact him. He's coming to visit in the next couple of months too, and I know I'll want to spend every moment I can with him.
I know that he is moving on with his life, and I need to do the same. I don't want to wake up some day next year and see how happy he is with someone else and feel completely miserable. It is said that 'The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else' and I can certainly believe it. I think it's always hard to see someone move on before you. If I were in another relationship that was going well then I wouldn't care who Mr Special was seeing.
The thing that still chokes me up is that I believe we are so good together. Almost meant to be. Everything about us on paper looks like the perfect match. And I've always said that he ticks pretty much all of my boxes. We share the same outlook on life, ideals and values, hopes and dreams for the future, enjoy the same interests or can just sit in each other's company and not talk and be comfortable with that. He is my best friend and lover all rolled into one. There is nothing that I don't feel I couldn't tell him.
The only thing in our way is him. And I know you can't make someone love you back. But he has already told me that he does love me.
Life really is a bit shit at the moment.
I have run out of friends who aren't telling me wonderful things that are happening for them. Relationships are all going well, several of them are pregnant or have just had a baby, houses bought, exotic holidays planned... It seems that I'm the only one who is alone right now. Even this week when I was surrounded by family, I met several new additions to my extended family, whether it be new babies or new partners. I wonder when the day will come that I spend a Christmas with a special loved one? It used to be something I actually thought about - do I spend Christmas with my family or his? Now, it's just a distant memory.
In terms of my love life, 2010 has been a tough year. For spending wonderful time with family and friends, it has been full of lovely occasions that I will hold dear in my heart for many years to come. I've also covered some pretty cool achievements for me, some of which I hope to continue in the new year.
I do have lots of things lined up for next year already, so I'm going to try and focus on those. Weddings, parties and holidays :-) oh and a little thing called work... I really want to get myself moving so I am going to put more effort into it. I admit I was distracted after my holiday with Mr Special (3 weeks off - I could get used to not working!!) so... deep breath... New Year, New Start, New Beginnings.
I wanted my 30th year to be really special and full of memorable events... and it's been 3 months already into it. I don't want to waste time anymore. This is MY time. I have to make things happen for me.
Happy New Year everybody... I wish you, and me, all the very best.
Friday 31 December 2010
Sunday 19 December 2010
Baby, It's Cold Outside...
London. December. Snow.
A few weeks ago we had a bout of snow, which seemed to cripple the entire country. Airports closed, passengers stranded overnight on a train, people staying home from work. I admit that I, myself, took one snow day and worked from home, although there were selfish reasons behind that as I also had an appointment to go to.
Over the last couple of days we've had another snow fall. I've got about 5 inches, and although it's not snowing at the moment, it is bloody freezing and will probably be very icy for the next few days. Again, airports are closed, flights cancelled, trains suspended, numerous accidents on the motorways, severe weather warnings and people told not to travel unless absolutely essential.
It is amazing how everything comes to a standstill with a bit of snow. It's not like this was a surprise. I was watching the news earlier about this, when a guy reporting from the airport said it hadn't been unexpected, but they needed time to clear the snow. I wonder what happens in countries where it is snowy all the time... Does life just come to a halt?
What irks me is the fact that when snow falls on a weekday, people are quick to say they can't travel to work or anywhere, but on a weekend - wow, people are out and about enjoying the snow til all hours!!
I spent Saturday at home. I had contemplated going out, as it's so much easier to walk in fresh snow rather than when it's icy or turned into brown sludge, but it felt quite decadent to have a duvet day :-) I had a glorious lie in as I'd had a late night on Friday going to Christmas drinks, cooked a yummy lunch and dinner, snuggled in a cosy jumper and blanket on the sofa and watched movies and TV with plenty of snacks to hand. No chores or housework apart from the washing up - I'll catch up on that today and sort out things around the house.
I really hope that the snow and ice clears by mid-week as I'm meant to be travelling back home to see my folks for Christmas. I don't really fancy being stranded in London on my own :-( I'm actually really looking forward to going home. Lots of TLC and R&R. This last week has been rather emotional as I had a bit of a discussion with Mr Special, not an argument, but we did air some issues.
I just read an article about getting over crushes, and one line got to me. It says "if he’s not willing to accept you now than he doesn’t deserve you later". I totally agree with this. I shouldn't sit around putting my life on hold while he is out there having fun and doing what he needs to do before coming back to me (which, I realise, he may never do anyway) because if he really wanted to be with me, he'd be with me now. He would've been sat next to me on the sofa today keeping me warm. Laughing together while watching silly Christmassy films.
I don't know how much longer my heart needs to heal... It might be cold outside but inside me it's absolutely Arctic.
A few weeks ago we had a bout of snow, which seemed to cripple the entire country. Airports closed, passengers stranded overnight on a train, people staying home from work. I admit that I, myself, took one snow day and worked from home, although there were selfish reasons behind that as I also had an appointment to go to.
Over the last couple of days we've had another snow fall. I've got about 5 inches, and although it's not snowing at the moment, it is bloody freezing and will probably be very icy for the next few days. Again, airports are closed, flights cancelled, trains suspended, numerous accidents on the motorways, severe weather warnings and people told not to travel unless absolutely essential.
It is amazing how everything comes to a standstill with a bit of snow. It's not like this was a surprise. I was watching the news earlier about this, when a guy reporting from the airport said it hadn't been unexpected, but they needed time to clear the snow. I wonder what happens in countries where it is snowy all the time... Does life just come to a halt?
What irks me is the fact that when snow falls on a weekday, people are quick to say they can't travel to work or anywhere, but on a weekend - wow, people are out and about enjoying the snow til all hours!!
I spent Saturday at home. I had contemplated going out, as it's so much easier to walk in fresh snow rather than when it's icy or turned into brown sludge, but it felt quite decadent to have a duvet day :-) I had a glorious lie in as I'd had a late night on Friday going to Christmas drinks, cooked a yummy lunch and dinner, snuggled in a cosy jumper and blanket on the sofa and watched movies and TV with plenty of snacks to hand. No chores or housework apart from the washing up - I'll catch up on that today and sort out things around the house.
I really hope that the snow and ice clears by mid-week as I'm meant to be travelling back home to see my folks for Christmas. I don't really fancy being stranded in London on my own :-( I'm actually really looking forward to going home. Lots of TLC and R&R. This last week has been rather emotional as I had a bit of a discussion with Mr Special, not an argument, but we did air some issues.
I just read an article about getting over crushes, and one line got to me. It says "if he’s not willing to accept you now than he doesn’t deserve you later". I totally agree with this. I shouldn't sit around putting my life on hold while he is out there having fun and doing what he needs to do before coming back to me (which, I realise, he may never do anyway) because if he really wanted to be with me, he'd be with me now. He would've been sat next to me on the sofa today keeping me warm. Laughing together while watching silly Christmassy films.
I don't know how much longer my heart needs to heal... It might be cold outside but inside me it's absolutely Arctic.
Thursday 9 December 2010
It's Been A While...
I didn't actually realise how long it had been since I last wrote on here...
They say that time flies when you're having fun, and fun I have been having. But does fun equal happiness? No.
The last couple of months have been a complete mixture of lovely, social occasions and periods of intense sadness. I've been trying to distract myself with friends, family, birthdays, theatre trips, days and nights out... and more recently, with Christmas drawing closer, Christmas shopping, Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park, Taste of Christmas, the snow, Christmas carols and various parties... and... it all seems to be in vain.
I feel so unhappy. I wish that I didn't. I can't seem to get out of the habit of missing Mr Special and then giving in and talking to him. For those few precious minutes, it seems like everything is okay again. Despite the distractions and keeping busy at work, no matter how late I stay out, when I go to bed I'm reminded that I'm very much alone. Just me. In the dark. Alone with my thoughts.
My stupid thoughts. Thinking about what it would be like if we could actually be together. Wondering who he is out with instead of me? Imagining all sorts of scenarios. I end up torturing myself thinking about him and crying my eyes out.
I've tried so hard to not be in touch with him. But I keep failing.
I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't know what to do anymore. I just know that I don't want to keep feeling this way. I've kept it pretty well hidden from everyone but sometimes I feel like these waves of emotion are going to completely engulf me and I'll just break down.
I'm almost dreading Christmas and New Year. To me, Christmas is all about family and love and happy times. And even though I'll be with my family I know that I will feel so alone. Mr Special had said to me a couple of weeks ago that he'd come back for New Year and spend it with me, but that is not going to happen now. Instead, he might be visiting for a while next month...
And that will probably break my heart all over again :-(
They say that time flies when you're having fun, and fun I have been having. But does fun equal happiness? No.
The last couple of months have been a complete mixture of lovely, social occasions and periods of intense sadness. I've been trying to distract myself with friends, family, birthdays, theatre trips, days and nights out... and more recently, with Christmas drawing closer, Christmas shopping, Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park, Taste of Christmas, the snow, Christmas carols and various parties... and... it all seems to be in vain.
I feel so unhappy. I wish that I didn't. I can't seem to get out of the habit of missing Mr Special and then giving in and talking to him. For those few precious minutes, it seems like everything is okay again. Despite the distractions and keeping busy at work, no matter how late I stay out, when I go to bed I'm reminded that I'm very much alone. Just me. In the dark. Alone with my thoughts.
My stupid thoughts. Thinking about what it would be like if we could actually be together. Wondering who he is out with instead of me? Imagining all sorts of scenarios. I end up torturing myself thinking about him and crying my eyes out.
I've tried so hard to not be in touch with him. But I keep failing.
I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't know what to do anymore. I just know that I don't want to keep feeling this way. I've kept it pretty well hidden from everyone but sometimes I feel like these waves of emotion are going to completely engulf me and I'll just break down.
I'm almost dreading Christmas and New Year. To me, Christmas is all about family and love and happy times. And even though I'll be with my family I know that I will feel so alone. Mr Special had said to me a couple of weeks ago that he'd come back for New Year and spend it with me, but that is not going to happen now. Instead, he might be visiting for a while next month...
And that will probably break my heart all over again :-(
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