It Feels Like Sunday...

But it's really Monday! That means a short working week this week... this also just leaves me a short week to pack for my holidays!

Had a really lovely long weekend back at my folks. Lots of family meals and quality family time. Saw lots of our relatives too so it was good to catch up with them.

I had a really long conversation with Mr Special too. That was really really nice. He told me it was good to hear my voice, and that he's looking forward to seeing me. I don't know if I'm reading too much into things but it made me feel all gooey inside. It's always so much nicer to speak to him rather than emailing or instant messaging - I'm so thankful for those methods of communication but there is nothing like actually talking to someone, to hear the tones and nuances of their voice.

I'm a bit nervous about seeing him... I'm scared about how I'm going to feel. I don't want to end up getting hurt, but equally I don't want to regret not doing things. I'd much rather regret having done stuff than not.

I wish I knew what was going on in his mind. I wish... for so much stuff that will never happen.

Planning Ahead

It's the last Bank Holiday Weekend of the year... I'm off to see family, which I'm really looking forward to as I haven't been back home for a long time. Couple of days to be looked after and pampered by my parents and see my siblings. Then back to work for a measly 4 days and then it's 3 weeks off baby!! I can't wait.

I'm going to see Mr Special on my holiday... I'm not sure if it's a good idea or a bad idea but it's now been booked. I'm actually very excited and looking forward to seeing him. And he has said that he is looking forward to seeing me too. Yay! I know we'll have a great time, no work or any other obligations other than to relax and enjoy ourselves and have fun. I think, no, I know I'll be sad when I leave him, especially after a lovely holiday, but life isn't just one long holiday - unfortunately!!

To that end... I've renewed my subscription to an online dating site for a further 6 months, and I've been looking at another site too. I think that once I come back from seeing Mr Special, and having had some time on my own... I really need to then start getting over him. Unless something magical happens over the holiday, I won't be any closer to being in a proper relationship with him, and I have to move on. So, I want to get out there and meet new people, go on dates, see that there are other guys out there. I'm going to start a new course of singing lessons next term. And I'm going to go and do the things in London that I keep meaning to go and do or see but never get round to doing. And in the background of all that stuff... I'll turn 30. Must organise some sort of birthday plans too.

I'm quite excited by all the stuff that I want to do this winter... I can't wait to go ice-skating closer to Christmas time!

Form A Queue Boys!

I read an article about the attractiveness of women being determined by their waist-to-hip ratio being the magical number of 0.7 - according to research. I'm sure I've read about this before, and about how most of the beautiful women have this waist-to-hip ratio.

So, this morning, when I was getting ready for work, standing in front of a full length mirror, I thought I'd measure my waist and hips and figure out what my ratio is. My waist is 28 inches... and my hips are 38 inches... 28 divided by 38 equals... 0.73!!! Not far off hey?!

It boosted my self confidence a little. Lately, I've been worrying about how I look as in just over a week I'll be strutting my stuff in a bikini on a beach and I don't want people staring at my wobbly bits. But equally, it kind of depressed me a little, as although this ratio deems me as attractive, it's not like I have loads of men coming after me. Not that I want loads...

Anyway, it was a bit of harmless fun. And if there is any merit in it, I guess it doesn't hurt to come in at 0.73 :-)

Two Weeks To Go...

Until I am officially on holiday! I am really looking forward to a break from work, a break from home... Just a chance to completely unwind and recharge my batteries. Days on the beach, swimming, sightseeing, spending time on my own and with others... I can't wait!

I think that I'll use some of the time to really evaluate my life. Sometimes I think I'm happy with my work, sometimes I hate it. But if I wasn't doing that, what would I rather be doing? What else could I be doing with my life? I wanted this year to be full of achievements, to be able to look back and think, I made that happen, or, I did that. I don't want to look back and regret not doing things.

I think I really need to take stock of my life and then do whatever I need to do in order to make stuff happen...

Another Baby Day

Had a lovely but tiring day today visiting another friend and her 2 kids. I've not seen them for absolutely ages as they don't come into London very often these days, and so the only way I get to see them is to go to them. I don't mind going to the effort of travelling to see my friends as I know it's appreciated, and I did promise myself that I'd try to make more of an effort to keep in touch with people.

It was a bit overcast but it managed to stay dry this afternoon, which was a good thing as we ended up going to the park and playing on the swings and the climbing frames. I had such a good time, it felt like being a kid again. I love going on the swings, trying to swing as high as I can and feel like I'm flying, forgetting all about any worries or stresses.

Today really reinforced for me that I do want a family. I know that it's not all fun and games and going to the park and playing, but I want it so much. So I have to do something about it... Get out there and meet new men who might be The One. I have to stop thinking about Mr Special and obsessing over him because he's not giving me what I want. No matter how much I want things to be different, I can't change that... No matter how perfect he seems in my head, he really isn't, otherwise he'd still be in this country, with me, making a commitment to me.

Life is short... I can't keep pining over this guy because somewhere out there, is the guy for me.

Quick Update

Just a quick post today... all is quiet on the western front. I got my smear test results the other day and I have to go back for a repeat in a few months time. Feel very bored of hospitals and people poking about in private places... and a little bit apprehensive if I'm being totally honest. I really thought everything was okay after the last time, and now it seems I'm going to go through the regular 6 monthly smears for a while longer. *Sigh*

According to the letter, my test results aren't a cause for concern, but I am still a little worried. Especially as these last few days I've been thinking about the future and how I'd like to have children... What if it turns out that I have something really terrible and I can never have kids? I'd be so gutted... so upset.

Fingers crossed there isn't anything to be worried about. But the part of it I hate is the waiting game - if I could go in next week that would be fab! Alas, here's to waiting for my appointment letter... Goodnight all!

Feeling Broody

I'm completely exhausted... Not looking forward to getting up tomorrow to go to work. I've had a great weekend but it's been completely knackering playing with little kids both on Saturday and Sunday. And... I think I'm visiting another friend next weekend to see her 2 little ones as well!

It's made me feel really broody. I see these couples with their happy families and I just think to myself, I want that. I want to be with someone who I really love, who loves me back, and to have a baby. A family. I've always wanted to be a wife and mother, and at the moment I feel like a bit of a failure because it seems so out of reach. A goal that I will never attain...

Sometimes I think that I love my life the way it is, no complications or commitments or obligations. Everything I do is based around me. But I really want to have that family network around me, to look after them, be nurturing and maternal. I know it will be hard work and tiring, I've seen first hand how hard it can be, especially if your partner doesn't really help out. But I want it, I always have.

I hope that when the times comes, if it does, that I will be a good mother. It's easy to judge and say things knowingly when you haven't experienced things for yourself - I guess you can apply that to most situations. But hopefully I'll have the benefit of my own mum, and my sisters and relatives, and my partner to be there for me.

I'm really looking forward to those days. And I do hope that they are in my future somewhere :-)

Keep It Onya!

I like to think that I do my bit for the environment. I recycle at home and at work. I try to switch things off at night. I take public transport. I carry around in my handbag a reusable bag in a pouch so that when I go shopping I can use it instead of getting a plastic carrier bag.

The one I have is an original 'Onya' bag that I bought years ago in Greenwich Market. I loved the concept that I had a bag that could fold up into a small pouch so I could just sling it into my handbag or clip it to myself and hey presto, at a moment's notice have a full sized strong bag to carry my shopping in. And I've used it so much in the last few years. And it's never let me down and shows no sign of breaking at all.

I love my bag, and I do keep it on me at all times! Last night I used it when I went to the supermarket to pick up a few things, and today I used it to carry some birthday presents for some friends. It is just so handy! I love using it in places that charge you for a bag, like in the M&S Food shops - I'm sure the number of times I've used it now has more than enough paid for the initial outlay of the bag. Plus, now I never have to be seen with dodgy carrier bags or worry that my plastic bag will break.

Have a look at their products... they've certainly come a long way since back in the day when I discovered them in Greenwich Market. I think I might get one of the water bottles and maybe the reusable sandwich wrapper for my packed lunches...

This post was inspired by me receiving another reusable bag in the post today, which has been made out of a plastic bottle! It's not quite as nice as my Onya bag but it certainly does the trick. And I believe that every little helps, so if you can, carry a bag around with you so you can use it wherever you go instead of getting yet another plastic carrier bag. If you don't want to buy a bag, just carry a plastic bag that you already have!

Knight and Day

I went to see this movie at the cinema on a bit of a whim... I literally saw the advert for it on TV the other night and thought, that looks like a good film and decided to go watch it. And I'm so glad I did because I absolutely loved it!!

The cinema was quite empty, which is just the way I like it. Fewer people means less noisy rustling of food wrappers, less people talking, no annoying heads right in front of you as you can choose a seat without people around you, and less people walking in and out of the movie. I've never been able to get my head around people who have to get up in the middle of a film to go to the toilet or buy another snack - you've paid good money to see a film and it's not like just popping to the kitchen at home, it takes time to get there and back and then you might miss a crucial bit of the film. Obviously, in an emergency situation I would go, but generally I go to the loo before the film and make sure I have my snacks and a bottle of water with me. Films aren't that long either, so I do sometimes wonder why people can't wait til the end to go!!

Anyway, I was quite surprised because a couple of people actually walked out during the film! I've never walked out of a cinema, but to be fair, I usually go and watch things that I know I will like. Okay, the storyline was very far fetched and most of the things that happened in the film are beyond belief, but I have to say it was pant-wettingly funny. I laughed out loud. Alot. Even at bits that others didn't find funny as I was the only one laughing! But I don't care... I was thoroughly entertained and I really enjoyed it.

It was a couple of hours of complete fun and laughter. It wasn't serious in any way, and didn't require alot of thought or concentration. It had the requisite happy ending for that feel-good factor. I left the cinema in high spirits, even though I'd been feeling a little upset about the departure of Mr Special.

I thought I was feeling okay about things but it kind of hit me today. Maybe it's because I didn't let myself think about it before, perhaps it's the effect of it being Friday the 13th... who knows? I'm missing him alot tonight. I had a few tears on the way home because I thought that if he were still here, I'd probably be on my way to see him. Or I'd have plans with him this weekend. Instead, we're separated by a million miles and he's probably out and about and not thinking about me.

I think partly one of the reasons I'm upset is that I sent him an email yesterday and I have not had any reply to it yet. It's been a whole day. In the grand scheme of things it hasn't been a very long time, but he usually replies pretty quickly... so it makes me wonder why he hasn't replied. Grrr. I wish I didn't feel this way...

Off to bed now - have a busy weekend planned and I want to enjoy it, not feel crap. Goodnight!

Busy Busy Busy!

I can't believe it's almost the end of the week! I've been run off my feet with stuff going on... Still talking through relationship stuff with my friends, which takes up alot of time and mental energy staying strong and positive for them, listening to them, giving them advice - hopefully good advice! Saw Mr Special a couple of nights as his time in London is almost at an end :-( I've tried not to really think about this as I know it will upset me...

Work has been really busy as well - we lost 2 members of staff in recent weeks and they haven't been replaced yet, which means yours truly has been lumbered with extra work. I don't mind helping out but I know it can't go on like this forever. I've booked some time off in September so I'll have a couple of weeks away somewhere to chill. I'm actually really looking forward to it as I haven't really had a big chunk of time off apart from the odd few days here and there.

I'm also quite excited as I have a few fun things planned in the month of August, to try and take my mind off Mr Special. I've got some special birthday celebrations, theatre outings, wedding parties and new babies to visit, as well as some other cultural stuff. I've been getting Time Out London and some of the stuff in there looks really good.

Life is pretty okay at the moment. Yes, I've had my ups and downs and I bet there are more in store but right now, all is good :-)

My Latest Lust

Well, after having quite an emotional weekend of spending much of my time talking to a couple of people who are going through bad times, I decided to indulge in a little retail therapy. As you know, I've been on a bit of a mission to use up my toiletries as I have so many lurking at home, and I thought I should apply this to my make-up drawer.

I don't have that much stuff make-up wise. I chucked out an old mascara and tidied up my other bits and have put a lipgloss in my handbag to use up. I'm really bad at remembering to use my lipsticks and lipglosses, and usually just use lipbalm, or if I'm feeling extravagant, my Rosy Lips Vaseline that gives just a hint of colour. I'm going to try to remember to use lipgloss from now on though!

Anyway, I was looking on the shu uemura website and came across these new palettes: the graceful bloom palette and the dreamy petal palette.

They're so pretty! Look at the lovely colours...

I really really want one! I can't actually decide which one I like best - I think I'd use both but it seems a bit much to buy both of them. At least I have time before I have to make up my mind - they won't be available in London until September :-( Hmm, I wonder if I know anyone going to America this month...

They have some really beautiful colours in their eyeshadow range actually, including some really glittery and spangly ones in the gem glam range. Check them out!

The One

Do you believe in The One?

I was talking to another friend this evening who is going through a rough patch with her boyfriend. Last week it seemed like I was surrounded by happy couples, people getting together or engaged or moving in with each other... this week it's break up city! We had a really good chat though, and I hope it helped her, but it really got me thinking about things.

Am I too unrealistic when it comes to affairs of the heart? Do I expect too much? I know that it's not always going to be hearts and flowers but I think that couples have to keep that spark going. No matter what other stuff is going on in your life, I believe you should always make time for your partner.

I want it all. I want the fairytale ending. I want Prince Charming to come along and sweep me off my feet and tell me that I'm the most important thing in his life. I want to be told that I'm loved and cared for. I want him to show me affection, give me cuddles and hold my hand, make me feel protected. I want him to want to be with me, to want to make me happy, not because he feels like he has to, but because he wants to.

When I'm with someone, I love doing all those little things that help to keep the spark going, cute messages, unexpected treats, and these can be small and seemingly insignificant things, they don't have to be flashy and expensive. I remember I once got an ex a bag of his favourite sweets when we were going out somewhere, it didn't cost me much in terms of money as it was only a couple of quid, but in terms of time and effort I had to trek all the way into Chinatown to buy them, but I did it because I knew he'd appreciate the gesture.

I don't believe that there is only one person out there for each of us, but I do think that at different times in our lives we will have different Ones. My first love, H, I really thought was The One. And he was at the time. Not anymore though. Right now, I feel like it is Mr Special but that's not to say that he is the guy I'll end up with.

But I do want someone who will be there for me, put me as a priority and make me feel important. I want to be in a loving relationship that is everlasting because we want to be together, and not through any sense of duty or obligation or settling for second best. I'd rather stay single than be in a relationship for the wrong reasons. Being single is lonely, but not as lonely as being in a loveless relationship.

I hope I find my One soon... I miss saying I love you to someone. I miss waking up next to someone and breathing in their scent and snuggling against them for a few minutes before having to get up. I miss having someone that I can talk to about anything and everything. Am I asking for too much? Or do I just have misguided notions of love from movies and romantic novels???

In The Boudoir...

Damn... It's not even been a week and I've broken my detox plan - had crisps and alcohol today. Oh well, it was an impromptu night out with 2 girlfriends and we ended up having a couple of cocktails and nibbles. We were having a good old natter, and of course, mix girls and drinks and yes, we ended up talking about sex. But specifically, about sexy lingerie in the boudoir.

I love lingerie. Nice and elegant lingerie, not cheap and tacky underwear. When I was younger I used to buy lots of matching sets of bras and knickers but as my size kept changing I found this to be a rather expensive habit. Now that my size is stable, I've indulged in some really fancy stuff from the likes of Myla, but most of my stuff is from M&S. I choose nice stuff though, silk bras and panties from their Autograph range fit really well. I have to be careful though, I don't tend to go for padded or contoured bras because for one thing I don't think I really need it, but also, I tend to think that it is a little bit of false advertising and it would be a bit disappointing for the guy when he got a handful of nothing.

I don't wear matching stuff everyday though. It's a pain to handwash delicates and sometimes, the pretty lacy bits or bows just don't need to be seen through your top or they give you a weird silhouette. I have loads of plain smooth bras and I just team those with black lacy knickers.

But... on a special night with a special someone, I think it is nice to wear sexy lingerie. It's really nice to wear in the daytime too - nobody knows you're wearing it but it makes you feel so pretty and feminine and sexy. One of my friends tonight argued what was the point of wearing special underwear as you only wore it for about 5 minutes before it got ripped off.

Firstly, there should be no ripping. Especially if it's really expensive and you like it! I said that you're not wearing the stuff for him, you're wearing it to make yourself look and feel good. Some women may be a bit uncomfortable showing off their bodies and may want a little nightie or camisole to cover bits that they're not so confident about. If you then feel more confident in yourself, you'll seem more sexy.

I also think that it's quite sexy to keep some clothing on for a bit anyway. And I think guys do appreciate it. But I do get where my friend is coming from though, men usually want to get at what is underneath the sexy undies so obviously would like to remove it sooner rather than later.

It was a fun discussion though, and I guess each to their own in the end. For me, I do have and enjoy wearing fancy lingerie, both in and out of the boudoir. Who says it's just for in the bedroom?!

Breaking Up Is Never Easy

Someone very close to me broke up with her boyfriend a few days ago. She's okay... it was her decision. And I think it was the right decision. But even though it was her choice, it doesn't stop her from feeling sad and guilty - sad for what she's given up and guilty for hurting him.

It's all too easy to stay in a relationship that isn't really working, being blind to the fact that you're not truly 100% happy. It is a brave thing to say to someone that things aren't really going the way you want. I guess when things are familiar and easy you don't tend to want things to change, at least you know where you stand and how things will take their course.

I've never been in this situation of doing the breaking up. In all my past relationships I've been the one who's been dumped, to pick up the pieces and start again. I always thought it was easier for the person who is doing the breaking up because it's their choice - they've had time to think about things and digest what is happening, whereas for me I always felt like the rug was being pulled out from underneath me. I never saw it coming. At least my exes were prepared for the aftermath of their decisions.

But now, I'm seeing things from the other person's perspective. It is a huge huge decision as what you're about to do affects not only yourself, but someone that you care about, someone that you did love - maybe in some ways still love in fact. It can't be easy telling someone that you're no longer in love with them.

I'm not saying that I forgive my exes for causing me so much hurt and pain, but I guess that I'm glad they did it rather than staying in a relationship that wasn't right for them. Obviously, with the wisdom of hindsight they should all realise what they've given up and that I was the best thing that could ever have happened to them!! Hahahah!!!

Detox Time

Ugh. Have had a weekend of heavy drinking - it was loads of fun but I'm paying the price for it now. I swear hangovers get worse the older I get. It's taken til today to feel vaguely back to normal. I feel sleep deprived, dehydrated and fat.

Therefore, I'm going to go on a detox for the next couple of weeks - no alcohol and no bad foods. I've got a wedding party to attend mid-August so hopefully by then I'll feel and look fabulous! And I'll allow myself to have a couple of drinks then.

To be honest, giving up alcohol won't be hard - it's the bad food part of it that I'm worried about. No crisps, no chocolate, no sweets, no pizza or other fast food... how will I cope? I've never been one for going home and pouring myself a glass of wine or unwinding with a drink down the pub, I'm more likely to stuff my face with a naughty treat. Eek! But this will be good for me, perhaps lose a little weight, let my skin improve and not spend so much money on junk food.

The detox started today so fingers crossed I can hold out for a couple of weeks!