The End of Mr Special

Well, folks, it had to happen sooner or later. I've finally said goodbye to Mr Special. It's taken me a long time to get to this stage, and I have someone to thank for helping me find the strength to do so. I met S at the beginning of June and it was like a breath of fresh air. He made me feel special and beautiful and attractive - suffice to say things with S have not gone the way I'd hoped - I'm back to square one again - but for 6 short weeks he showed me that there is life after Mr Special.

It took me a long time to tell Mr Special that I felt that we could not communicate any longer. I know it's for the best, but it broke my heart all over again to write those words and then send that message to him. He replied that he missed me, which really messed me up again, but hopefully now it'll get easier.

I'm now dealing with the aftermath of S. We had 7 dates. Short but sweet. Was he the guy I could spend the rest of my life with? I don't know... He hasn't given us enough of a chance to find out. All I know is that I really liked him, and it took alot for me to even admit that. I was scared by how much I liked him, but I took a chance on him, and it has backfired. 

I also saw my recent ex... and his girlfriend. It was not a pleasant experience. 

Wow... reading back on this entry makes me really wonder whether I am ever destined to meet someone who feels the same way about me. Or do I expect too much too soon? I know that I really enjoyed my dates with S, and I didn't want that to end. I don't know if I wanted things to progress into a super serious committed relationship, but now the option has been cruelly taken away from me.

Throw into this confusing mix a potential meet up with the first love of my life, H. I don't know whether we will meet up, but he is due back in the UK next week. 

Life is never easy, I know. People keep telling me at least S didn't string me along for months or years... and yes I am grateful it ended now rather than months down the line. But I am pretty fed up of all the silver linings that I've encountered over the years... I want the bright, beautiful sunny days - no more clouds and their silver linings. Pah.

Loving Somebody...

... means putting their needs first.

I heard this tonight on Eastenders. And it does ring true to me.

I've written Mr Special a letter. It was really therapeutic to write it all down, absolutely everything. And now I'm debating whether to send it or not. All my friends have said that it won't do any good to send it, and that I should take the higher ground and let him be happy. I know that sending it won't make him change his mind or anything like that, but I want him to know how much I'm hurting.

But when I heard that line tonight, it made me think and realise that I should just leave Mr Special alone. I don't need to send him the letter. He knows what he has done, and he has made his bed and so must lie in it and live with the consequences of his choices. As much as it pains me, if this girl makes him happy then I should be happy for him.

I don't want to be happy for him, but I should be. It's the right thing to do. I don't need to stoop to his level and cause hurt.

I can feel a big lump in my throat as I write this. My eyes are welling up. There's a pain in my chest. I don't want to feel this way. But I know that I did nothing wrong. The only thing I am guilty of is falling in love with someone. "You don't get to choose, you just fall"...

I miss him so much. I hate the thought of him being with someone else but there isn't anything I can do about that. I am trying to look after me but sometimes I do wonder what the point is because nobody wants to be with me... I am losing weight as I've lost my appetite... not helped by the fact that the girl he is seeing is super super skinny. He always used to tell me how much he loved my curves and now he's with a stick insect.

Anyway, today is the first day that we've had no contact since that wretched phone call. No chat messages or little emails. Nothing. And I've survived. Surely it can only get easier from here on in. Here's hoping :-)

"Someone Like You"

I heard that you're settled down, 
That you found a girl and you're married now, 
I heard that your dreams came true, 
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you, 
Old friend, why are you so shy? 
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light, 

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, 
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it, 
I had hoped you'd see my face, 
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over, 

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you, 
I wish nothing but the best for you, too, 
Don't forget me, I beg, 
I remember you said, 
"Sometimes it lasts in love, 
But sometimes it hurts instead," 
Sometimes it lasts in love, 
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah, 

You know how the time flies, 
Only yesterday was the time of our lives, 
We were born and raised in a summer haze, 
Bound by the surprise of our glory days, 

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, 
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it, 
I had hoped you'd see my face, 
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you, 
I wish nothing but the best for you, too, 
Don't forget me, I beg, 
I remember you said, 
"Sometimes it lasts in love, 
But sometimes it hurts instead," 

Nothing compares, 
No worries or cares, 
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made, 
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste? 

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you, 
I wish nothing but the best for you, 
Don't forget me, I beg, 
I remember you said, 
"Sometimes it lasts in love, 
But sometimes it hurts instead," 

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you, 
I wish nothing but the best for you, too, 
Don't forget me, I beg, 
I remember you said, 
"Sometimes it lasts in love, 
But sometimes it hurts instead," 
Sometimes it lasts in love, 
But sometimes it hurts instead.

These are the lyrics from Adele's song, "Someone Like You". I've been listening to this so much these last few days because it just sums up how I feel. I do want Mr Special to be happy, even if it's not with me. I hate it though... and it bloody does hurt like hell.

One day he will find that special someone, if it's not already the girl he is seeing. I am so jealous of her. What does she have or what does she give him that I cannot? They appear to have had a very nice holiday together - he returned this weekend just gone and had no hesitation in posting up photos on Facebook. Another nail in the coffin. Another reason for why I wish I had the strength in me to delete him from my Facebook account. There were a few coupley shots that tore at my heartstrings... 

We have not really spoken these last few weeks while he's been away. And I thought I was doing okay, but I'm not. I cried today for no apparent reason. I know it will take time, but I don't want to keep wasting time. This weekend was the 5th anniversary of my Uncle's death. It made me look back and realise that I've had this blog for well over a year now and I haven't really achieved much in that time, except go on about Mr Special. I wrote about my Uncle this time last year, and nothing much has changed... I don't feel like I've moved forward much at all.

And I only have myself to blame. But I just feel so stuck in this vortex of feelings that I can't control. I don't want to fast forward a year and still be writing about how I'm pining for someone who doesn't want to be with me. I wish I could see light at the end of the tunnel but it's still so dark for me.

I was in a shop over the weekend and was looking at something near the racks of reading glasses. There was an elderly couple there trying on glasses. The gentleman found some that he liked, and his wife asked if he could see properly out of them. He replied that now he could see how beautiful she was. It made me smile inside. I want someone who will be sweet and kind and do everything in their power to make me smile. 

It gives me hope that I will, someday, find someone like you Mr Special, but they won't want to hurt me.

Let Down...

Mr Special was supposed to call me over the weekend. I heard nothing from him.

It doesn't surprise me though... I guess he is busy with his new girlfriend - too busy to bother with little old me. Why should he invest any more time and effort in me when he doesn't want to date me or be with me? Why put himself through a phonecall where he knows I'll be asking lots of awkward questions?

I know I have no right to ask, or expect that he answers me truthfully. But part of me so desperately wants some answers, to know why, to find out what is so wrong with me that he doesn't see me in his life anymore. To get a sense of closure. To get some sort of understanding in my mind.

But he probably won't tell me... and I've wondered whether knowing will actually gain me anything. Should I just live in ignorant bliss and try to forget him... try to get over the love of my life. Somehow move on...

I don't even know how to start getting over him. I know I'll be okay. I've gotten over other people before. But it does seem to get a bit harder each time... and I don't know if I have the strength in me to do this again. I really had hoped that this time it would work out. That I'd be given a break this time and I'd get my happy ending.

Well, life sucks. I don't have my happy ending. I want to delete him from my Facebook friends and off my contact lists but part of me wants to keep in the loop about what he is up to. Not that it is doing me any good...

I spent my weekend mostly at home. Moping. Trying not to cry in front of anyone. I don't know how long I can hold the floodgates back. I've only told one person that he is seeing someone else... I cannot actually face the thought of telling people that I've got yet another failed relationship behind me.

I just know that people will tell me to get back out there and part of me thinks yes, I should do that. But I think I just need a little bit of time on my own.

I haven't slept well this whole weekend... or eaten very healthily :-( I'm going to try to get back on track with things this week. It's going to be so hard to concentrate properly when all I'll be thinking about is him being on holiday with someone else. I keep thinking back to last September when we spent a magical time together. It probably wasn't wise but I looked through all our holiday photos tonight and the memories... oh the memories, the thoughts, the feelings...

I really do hope that this pain subsides soon.

Broken hearted

It's been over 2 months since I last wrote.

I've started writing a couple of times, but there are not enough words to express how I feel.

I saw Mr Special about 2 months ago. We talked, I cried, he left. It's been so difficult for me since... He is dating someone new - whether it's the same girl he took out for Valentine's Day I don't know. All I know is that he is with someone else, and is going on holiday with her later this month.

I am in so much pain. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, in every possible way. And I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Will my feelings ever cease? Will I feel this way about anyone else?

Recently, 2 exes have gotten in touch with me. One from my University days, and the other, not that long before I met Mr Special. This made me feel slightly apprehensive, as I had read in my stars that I would get back together with someone from my past. I'm not an avid believer in astrology but I always take things like that with a pinch of salt. If it fits, then great, and if not, then it's a load of bull anyway.

I've been asked if I want to meet up with the University ex and thus far I have resisted. It would be nice to catch up but I am feeling quite fragile at the moment... and I've managed all these years without seeing him so why rock the boat?

The more recent ex also wants to meet up. I haven't seen him in well over a year. He looks really good... and I have to admit that I really enjoyed our conversations. But I can't help but compare him to Mr Special, and he keeps falling short and I'm not sure why. I feel like I should throw caution to the wind and just see what happens... It could be amazing or it could just be a little awkward. On the other hand, I feel like I'm betraying Mr Special for even just considering going out on a date with someone else. Would it show that my feelings aren't as strong as I thought they were?

I'm in such a mess. I still feel jealous of all my close friends and family who are all coupled up. It's been wedding after wedding - and the Royal Wedding... I want to hate Mr Special for his disregard for my feelings and how he can just move on to someone else, but the sad truth is that I still love him so very much. And so to throw in an ex who I used to like very much... I'm surprised I haven't had a nervous breakdown.

I've had to keep soldiering on these last couple of months... really put a brave face on and pretend that I'm not crumbling up deep down inside. It hurts so much. I know that one day it will hurt less but when will that happen?? I don't want to feel like this because it's exhausting me...

:-(

Valentine Blues

I had intended on writing a post on Valentine's Day, but the last couple of weeks have been really tough. I had a fantastic holiday, and then came back to the news that I have to go into hospital for a minor procedure in a month or so. I've been quite worried about it, even though rationally I know there is nothing to be worried about. I just have to grit my teeth and get it over and done with. I haven't even been able to bring myself to tell anyone about it. I think I will, but perhaps a bit closer to the time.

The other reason is that I found out Mr Special took someone out for dinner on Valentine's Day. I had jokingly asked whether he had a date for Valentine's Day and he said yes. The news is absolutely killing me inside... the thought that he is dating someone else, taking her out for lovely dinners, to the movies, him sleeping with her. That's the worst feeling of all. Him kissing someone else, holding their hand, cuddling them. Giving her all the things that I so desperately want from him.

I always knew this would happen. He's embarked on this fantastic new life and meeting new people. It was only a matter of time before it happened. So much for his bullshit that I mean so much to him, I just didn't mean enough. And now he's suddenly able to give someone else all the things that he used to give me. And I haven't even been able to talk to him properly about it because he's too busy with someone else to talk to me. To do the decent thing and tell it to my face. To be honest with me.

I am so unhappy. And the really stupid thing is that I feel like I can't even talk about it with anyone for fear of looking like a complete fool who has been taken for a ride. I hate the thought of him being happy with someone else. It's terrible, isn't it? If you love someone, then you want them to be happy, but I hate it.

It really doesn't help matters that my sisters have found happiness with someone, and they want to take their respective partners home to meet the parents soon. It makes me think, when will it be my turn? When will I find that someone who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with them? I miss having someone to hold close, I miss kissing someone, I miss having that person to tell every secret that I have.

And in all honesty, I'm such a complete bitch for feeling jealous about my own sisters that I don't deserve to find my own happiness. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, I just want what they have too. To just snuggle up with someone on the sofa watching a movie, cooking dinner for them, hearing their voice every day. Is that too much to ask?

I know I have to get over Mr Special before I can move on. Not that there is anyone to move on to. But I just can't get him out of my head. Whenever something happens, I want to tell him above anyone else. We are in daily contact, which I need to stop. I don't know how to get over him... I just don't. I love him. I'm totally and utterly in love with a man who is dating someone else a million miles away.

Bite me.

Hugh's Fish Fight

Last week I watched Hugh's Fish Fight on Channel 4, a 3-part series about how around half of the fish caught by fishermen in the North Sea are unnecessarily thrown back into the ocean dead. When they fish, they use massive nets which scoop up all manner of fish and due to fishing quota laws, they are only able to land a certain amount of fish, so all the fish they have caught above their quota gets chucked back into the sea - but they're dead.

Such a waste. And such a shame. No wonder so many species of fish are overfished and dying out - at least if they were thrown back alive they would stand a chance of growing bigger and maybe reproducing so that the numbers of these fish increase.

I had never really thought about this issue before. I buy Sainsbury's tuna because that is where I happen to shop - not because of the ethical issues surrounding it. But since watching these shows, I'm pleased to say that I do buy this particular brand of tuna as these are pole and line caught fish. This means that they are caught one by one, not in great big nets, so no other fish are endangered by this.

As well as Hugh's shows, Jamie Oliver did a cookery program that used lots of different types of fish, to help us stop eating really common fish such as cod, tuna and salmon. The idea being that if we diversify the fish we eat, the overfished species will have a chance to grow in number. Heston did a special edition of his Feast show... oh my God, seriously, one of my dreams is to eat in one of his establishments. And Gordon Ramsey did a show about Shark's Fin Soup.

Being Chinese, I do eat this dish. But not on a regular basis - not that that makes it okay - but I probably would have it 2 or 3 times a year made by my Mum on special family occasions. In the back of my mind, I knew what happened to sharks for this dish, but I don't think I ever realised the extent of the horror until I watched it on this program.

I watched it with my sister. We were both really horrified and shocked. All species and sizes of sharks are caught, even if they are tiny babies and endangered species. Their fins are sliced off their wriggling bodies and then simply thrown back into the sea as the rest of the shark is not used for anything. It goes against Chinese principles of using all of an animal and not wasting anything.

My sister and I have decided to give up eating Shark's Fin Soup. We have to somehow tell my Mum that we no longer want her to cook this dish. I'm not quite sure what we'll say, but we have to. I don't want this barbaric act to continue just for the sake of a soup. I don't want sharks to become extinct in my lifetime.

It will be easy to stop in the sense that I don't eat this regularly - I've tried giving up carbs before and I don't think I even lasted a day! But it will be difficult because I actually really enjoy eating it, and I associate it with happy family gatherings. Will it seem less special or that something is missing the next time we have a family occasion? Only time will tell...

While I'm not going to give up eating fish in general, or become a vegetarian, or start crusading for animals' rights, I am going to give up Shark's Fin, and I hope that any of you out there who eat this dish thinks twice before you next have it. Even better if you can give it up too. Oh, and do join the Fish Fight and sign the petition to stop dead fish being discarded into the sea :-)

Beauty and the Bus

It's been a busy start to January. Work has been absolutely mental, which in a way has been good as it's distracted me from thinking about Mr Special, but also has been very bad as I've had a couple of emotional and horrible days where I've just burst into tears.

I don't want to dwell too much on Mr Special, as there really is nothing new that I can say about him. I know in time that things will be better and I'll feel less fragile, but for now I just have to accept that I'll have some good days and have some bad days.

My exciting news is that later this month I'm off on a snowboarding holiday. I absolutely cannot wait - I know it's not been long since I had time off over Christmas, but I am looking forward to my holiday so very much. I'm not great at snowboarding, but I hope that I'll improve with loads of practice. And you never know, maybe I'll meet a hot ski instructor ;-)

I was out shopping for wintery things in readiness for my holiday over the weekend. I can't believe that it's mid-January and already the shops have stopped stocking winter clothes. Luckily I have loads of stuff from the last time I went snowboarding, but I just wanted to get some new stuff. Like I need an excuse to go shopping anyway!!

I had 2 of the most interesting bus journeys I can recall for a long time. While waiting for my first bus, there was a group of 3 girls chatting at the bus stop about glasses and contact lenses. I was half listening out of boredom, and one of the girls was talking about how she has an astigmatism in her eye - I have the same condition in my left eye so it was kind of interesting to hear them talk about it. Anyway, another friend joined them and then we all piled onto the bus. I stood near the back while these girls stood by the door. There was another woman with a pram standing right next to them. As we moved on, the bus got quite full, and then another lady with a pram got on. The first woman with the pram asked the girls to move back a bit to allow the second lady to push her pram into the designated space. The girls said there wasn't anywhere for them to move to, which, in fairness, was true. It then kicked off into a shouting match and then a full-on hair-pulling and shoving cat fight. The other lady with the pram looked quite scared, and to tell the truth, I was half afraid of looking too much in case they started on me. But everyone was watching. The girls were saying to the woman with the pram that she was scaring her child, and what kind of a mother was she to be starting a fight in public. I didn't get a look at the child, but it was a scary few minutes.

They eventually calmed down and the girls apologised to everybody on the bus, but not before several people got out at the next available stop. They then moved upstairs leaving me with the woman with the pram and her friend. She started to moan about a scratch on her face that one of the girls had given her, and that she'd only wanted them to move to help someone else. Which was true. I don't know who, if anyone, was in the right... or who had started it.

As I looked at this girl, it really struck me how unfair life is. She was young, maybe early 20s, with a baby and a partner - she had commented to her friend that if he had been there then those girls wouldn't have dared say a word to her. She was not terribly attractive in my opinion, and she was grossly overweight - don't shoot me down for saying that - but she seriously was overweight, and not just new mummy fat either. Okay, I'm not the prettiest girl ever, or the tallest or the skinniest, but I think I look reasonably in shape and yet I am not with a significant other.

I have often joked with my friends that ugly and fat girls seem to be all loved up with boyfriends and husbands... and that I should let myself go and maybe then I'd find someone who wants to be with me properly!

I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it is all subjective, and it is not all about looks - maybe I have a terrible personality and I just don't know it?! But I do sometimes wonder how these girls manage the fairytale ending whereas I, a nice, normal girl who wants all that has failed time and time again. One could speculate that they end up with equally seeming unattractive men (that I would not want to date anyway) according to the matching hypothesis whereby people are attracted to other people rated the same level of attractiveness that they are.

Maybe I'm aiming too high?? But the thing is, the guys I'm attracted to are attracted to me too... but the long term relationship bit fails.

I digress... on my bus journey home, I was nearing my stop and started gathering my shopping bags. As I did so, a large black lady at the back of the bus started shouting abuse at someone upstairs. I didn't see the other person, but the black lady was calling her a white bitch and a racist tart and things like that. I've no idea what the other person said or did, if indeed anything, but she kept shouting and shouting, even after she got off the bus she kept yelling at the bus. I kept very quiet and scuttled off home as quickly as I could as I didn't want to risk being shouted at either - not that she would've had any reason to as I wouldn't have said a thing to her!!

So there you have it... 2 very interesting bus journeys. It's been a long time that I've actually felt afraid in London. It doesn't phase me walking home late at night or anything like that, but twice in one day on 2 separate bus journeys, I felt a little scared. Makes me think twice about being environmentally friendly by getting public transport - I should have driven my car!