I Plead Insanity

I was reminded today of Belinda Carlisle's song 'I Plead Insanity' where the chorus goes:

"I plead insanity
Whoa, I'm so mad about you
I can't think straight, I can't see straight
I plead insanity
All I do is obsess about you
I can't work days
I can't sleep nights"

That's how I feel at the moment. Every minute of every day that I have free, and even when I'm meant to be doing something, I keep thinking about Mr Special. I wish I didn't feel like this... I know I'm not doing myself any good but I can't seem to help it.

As I was browsing through some other blogs, I came across one by a girl who seems really similar to me. She's just turned 30, and like me, has been through a few dating wars herself. The difference is that her attitude towards men and dating is so different. She dates like mad, and if there is something vaguely not quite right with the guy she is quick to move on and forget about him. Firstly, I don't date multiple guys at the same time. And secondly, when my feelings and emotions get involved, I find it so hard to get myself out of it.

Sometimes I wish I could just forget about Mr Special. Go off and meet someone new. But then I feel that would negate my feelings, as though that person didn't mean a jot to me. I can't just switch off my feelings, or simply compartmentalise them and not feel them anymore. Even though this is hurting me so very much, and I want to stop the pain, I can't help but ride it out, there is no shortcut.

Albert Einstein said that insanity was "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"... I guess this is true of me in the sense that I'm holding out for Mr Special to one day turn around and say hey, I do want to be serious with you. But as long as I maintain how things are, he's not going to change... so the only logical thing is that I have to change.

Which I don't feel able or strong enough to do sadly...

Memories

In the midst of my massive clear out, I came across my old uni photo albums. I knew they were here somewhere, but I'd not seen them for a long time. I spent a good hour flicking through them, being reminded of my 3 fabulous years and the friends that I made, the nights out, the parties and boys.

I felt a bit nostalgic when I saw the pictures of me and my first ever boyfriend. I met him in my second year I think, and I was besotted with him. I didn't really know how to behave back then, but all I can say is that things were alot simpler back then. If you went out with someone, then you were boyfriend and girlfriend, completely exclusive, no question. Now, you can be dating, seeing someone, going out with someone, it might be casual or serious, exclusive or not, or officially boyfriend and girlfriend, with a view to a long term relationship. Boy, do I wish I could go back to those times where there is no doubt what's going on!

I used to entertain thoughts that I could see my whole future with my first boyfriend. I imagined us driving off into the sunset, top down, music blaring out and living happily ever after. In the end, I think it only lasted for 6 weeks.

I wish things were clearer for me now. But I seem to be in some bubble of hope. False hope. Mr Special and I talked about stuff the other day. He told me that he cares for me so much, but he cannot give me the commitment that I crave. Then he said he didn't know what the future might hold. Which is a really shitty thing to say to me because it doesn't completely rule out anything ever happening, but then he has a great get out clause in that he never promised me anything. So I could continue to hope, and to hold out that things turn out the way I want them to... but equally it could all end tits up and I'll have wasted months or even years of my life waiting for him.

The ridiculous thing is, I know that he cares for me. I'm not making excuses or trying to justify anything. But you don't have this sort of relationship with every girl you meet. I believe that people know if they don't want to be with someone pretty damned quick. For our relationship (for want of a better word) to have continued this long, and endured arguments, and holidays, and all the rest of it, it must mean something to him. If he was in it just for the physical aspect of things, I'm sure he could get that elsewhere. So why does he spend so much time with me if he doesn't care??

I miss him so much right now. I would give anything to have him lying next to me and holding me tight as I fall asleep. Him stroking my hair and gently kissing me goodnight. I remember the time I spent with him like it was yesterday.

Memories... are bittersweet.

Decluttering...

I was out last night for drinks... ended up getting a bit more tipsy than anticipated and didn't get home til about 3am. It was a really fun night out though! I certainly paid for it this morning though. Hangovers definitely get worse the older you get!

I spent today tidying and going through my wardrobe and my bedroom. Lots of clothes that don't fit me are now destined for the local charity shop. I threw out loads of crap that I've accumulated over the years, and sorted out paperwork that's been sitting around the last couple of months. It's not completely finished yet but I feel better for having done it.

Decluttering is always therapeutic I find. Out with the old and in with the new. What's the point of holding on to things that you no longer use or need? I am, generally, a bit of a hoarder. I always think, oh this will be useful one day or I might need that in the future. But I'm trying to learn to let go, of physical things and emotional things. Hopefully, clearing out the physical space will have a positive effect on my mind and perhaps I'll be able to feel less for Mr Special.

I failed on not being in contact with him today though. One step at a time! I cannot for the life of me go cold turkey and just not talk to him - I really couldn't do that. I'm going to try to lessen the contact with each day. Limit myself to a certain number of messages or emails. Already I'm wondering how on earth I'm going to achieve this, but I know it's the right thing to do for me.

Not sure what I'm doing tomorrow... I feel like I should finish tidying my room but I also fancy getting out and about. I need to keep myself busy and occupied so I don't talk to Mr Special. But then I always find myself wanting to talk to him and sharing what I've done and what's going on in my life... Why is it so complicated?

:-(

The Return

I'm back! I wonder if anyone has missed me? :-)

I had a brilliant holiday. It was just what I needed. Time to just chill out, relax, read trashy magazines and books, spend alot of time with Mr Special. I'm not going to go into great detail here, but suffice to say I had the most magical time away with him, but he really doesn't feel the same way about me, despite his assurances that he cares for me. I am totally and utterly in love with him. And it's killing me to know that he doesn't want me in the same way. I'm hurting alot right now and I don't know when this pain will go away.

In the midst of all of this, I've had to put a brave face on to celebrate my birthday. I feel... not old, I'm okay about turning 30, but it feels like everyone and everything is passing me by while I'm in this limbo land. It feels like great stuff is happening for everyone I know - in the last month, I've learnt that 3 of my friends are now engaged, one had a beautiful baby girl, 2 of my single girlfriends have found love and have gone on holidays and mini-breaks with their partners. And me... I'm stuck pining after a guy who I've just had the most amazing time with, and trying to get over him is not really working.

I think I need to stop being so in touch with him. We speak almost everyday. I know it's not healthy but I seem to have some weird compulsion to chat to him, like he is my boyfriend, but sadly he isn't. The thing is, he indulges me in it and talks to me for hours too, so there I am thinking he must like me too. And he does, he admits it. But that's as far as it goes for him :-(

Okay, Operation Talk Less must commence pronto!