Loving Somebody...

... means putting their needs first.

I heard this tonight on Eastenders. And it does ring true to me.

I've written Mr Special a letter. It was really therapeutic to write it all down, absolutely everything. And now I'm debating whether to send it or not. All my friends have said that it won't do any good to send it, and that I should take the higher ground and let him be happy. I know that sending it won't make him change his mind or anything like that, but I want him to know how much I'm hurting.

But when I heard that line tonight, it made me think and realise that I should just leave Mr Special alone. I don't need to send him the letter. He knows what he has done, and he has made his bed and so must lie in it and live with the consequences of his choices. As much as it pains me, if this girl makes him happy then I should be happy for him.

I don't want to be happy for him, but I should be. It's the right thing to do. I don't need to stoop to his level and cause hurt.

I can feel a big lump in my throat as I write this. My eyes are welling up. There's a pain in my chest. I don't want to feel this way. But I know that I did nothing wrong. The only thing I am guilty of is falling in love with someone. "You don't get to choose, you just fall"...

I miss him so much. I hate the thought of him being with someone else but there isn't anything I can do about that. I am trying to look after me but sometimes I do wonder what the point is because nobody wants to be with me... I am losing weight as I've lost my appetite... not helped by the fact that the girl he is seeing is super super skinny. He always used to tell me how much he loved my curves and now he's with a stick insect.

Anyway, today is the first day that we've had no contact since that wretched phone call. No chat messages or little emails. Nothing. And I've survived. Surely it can only get easier from here on in. Here's hoping :-)

"Someone Like You"

I heard that you're settled down, 
That you found a girl and you're married now, 
I heard that your dreams came true, 
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you, 
Old friend, why are you so shy? 
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light, 

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, 
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it, 
I had hoped you'd see my face, 
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over, 

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you, 
I wish nothing but the best for you, too, 
Don't forget me, I beg, 
I remember you said, 
"Sometimes it lasts in love, 
But sometimes it hurts instead," 
Sometimes it lasts in love, 
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah, 

You know how the time flies, 
Only yesterday was the time of our lives, 
We were born and raised in a summer haze, 
Bound by the surprise of our glory days, 

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, 
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it, 
I had hoped you'd see my face, 
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you, 
I wish nothing but the best for you, too, 
Don't forget me, I beg, 
I remember you said, 
"Sometimes it lasts in love, 
But sometimes it hurts instead," 

Nothing compares, 
No worries or cares, 
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made, 
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste? 

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you, 
I wish nothing but the best for you, 
Don't forget me, I beg, 
I remember you said, 
"Sometimes it lasts in love, 
But sometimes it hurts instead," 

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you, 
I wish nothing but the best for you, too, 
Don't forget me, I beg, 
I remember you said, 
"Sometimes it lasts in love, 
But sometimes it hurts instead," 
Sometimes it lasts in love, 
But sometimes it hurts instead.

These are the lyrics from Adele's song, "Someone Like You". I've been listening to this so much these last few days because it just sums up how I feel. I do want Mr Special to be happy, even if it's not with me. I hate it though... and it bloody does hurt like hell.

One day he will find that special someone, if it's not already the girl he is seeing. I am so jealous of her. What does she have or what does she give him that I cannot? They appear to have had a very nice holiday together - he returned this weekend just gone and had no hesitation in posting up photos on Facebook. Another nail in the coffin. Another reason for why I wish I had the strength in me to delete him from my Facebook account. There were a few coupley shots that tore at my heartstrings... 

We have not really spoken these last few weeks while he's been away. And I thought I was doing okay, but I'm not. I cried today for no apparent reason. I know it will take time, but I don't want to keep wasting time. This weekend was the 5th anniversary of my Uncle's death. It made me look back and realise that I've had this blog for well over a year now and I haven't really achieved much in that time, except go on about Mr Special. I wrote about my Uncle this time last year, and nothing much has changed... I don't feel like I've moved forward much at all.

And I only have myself to blame. But I just feel so stuck in this vortex of feelings that I can't control. I don't want to fast forward a year and still be writing about how I'm pining for someone who doesn't want to be with me. I wish I could see light at the end of the tunnel but it's still so dark for me.

I was in a shop over the weekend and was looking at something near the racks of reading glasses. There was an elderly couple there trying on glasses. The gentleman found some that he liked, and his wife asked if he could see properly out of them. He replied that now he could see how beautiful she was. It made me smile inside. I want someone who will be sweet and kind and do everything in their power to make me smile. 

It gives me hope that I will, someday, find someone like you Mr Special, but they won't want to hurt me.

Let Down...

Mr Special was supposed to call me over the weekend. I heard nothing from him.

It doesn't surprise me though... I guess he is busy with his new girlfriend - too busy to bother with little old me. Why should he invest any more time and effort in me when he doesn't want to date me or be with me? Why put himself through a phonecall where he knows I'll be asking lots of awkward questions?

I know I have no right to ask, or expect that he answers me truthfully. But part of me so desperately wants some answers, to know why, to find out what is so wrong with me that he doesn't see me in his life anymore. To get a sense of closure. To get some sort of understanding in my mind.

But he probably won't tell me... and I've wondered whether knowing will actually gain me anything. Should I just live in ignorant bliss and try to forget him... try to get over the love of my life. Somehow move on...

I don't even know how to start getting over him. I know I'll be okay. I've gotten over other people before. But it does seem to get a bit harder each time... and I don't know if I have the strength in me to do this again. I really had hoped that this time it would work out. That I'd be given a break this time and I'd get my happy ending.

Well, life sucks. I don't have my happy ending. I want to delete him from my Facebook friends and off my contact lists but part of me wants to keep in the loop about what he is up to. Not that it is doing me any good...

I spent my weekend mostly at home. Moping. Trying not to cry in front of anyone. I don't know how long I can hold the floodgates back. I've only told one person that he is seeing someone else... I cannot actually face the thought of telling people that I've got yet another failed relationship behind me.

I just know that people will tell me to get back out there and part of me thinks yes, I should do that. But I think I just need a little bit of time on my own.

I haven't slept well this whole weekend... or eaten very healthily :-( I'm going to try to get back on track with things this week. It's going to be so hard to concentrate properly when all I'll be thinking about is him being on holiday with someone else. I keep thinking back to last September when we spent a magical time together. It probably wasn't wise but I looked through all our holiday photos tonight and the memories... oh the memories, the thoughts, the feelings...

I really do hope that this pain subsides soon.

Broken hearted

It's been over 2 months since I last wrote.

I've started writing a couple of times, but there are not enough words to express how I feel.

I saw Mr Special about 2 months ago. We talked, I cried, he left. It's been so difficult for me since... He is dating someone new - whether it's the same girl he took out for Valentine's Day I don't know. All I know is that he is with someone else, and is going on holiday with her later this month.

I am in so much pain. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, in every possible way. And I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Will my feelings ever cease? Will I feel this way about anyone else?

Recently, 2 exes have gotten in touch with me. One from my University days, and the other, not that long before I met Mr Special. This made me feel slightly apprehensive, as I had read in my stars that I would get back together with someone from my past. I'm not an avid believer in astrology but I always take things like that with a pinch of salt. If it fits, then great, and if not, then it's a load of bull anyway.

I've been asked if I want to meet up with the University ex and thus far I have resisted. It would be nice to catch up but I am feeling quite fragile at the moment... and I've managed all these years without seeing him so why rock the boat?

The more recent ex also wants to meet up. I haven't seen him in well over a year. He looks really good... and I have to admit that I really enjoyed our conversations. But I can't help but compare him to Mr Special, and he keeps falling short and I'm not sure why. I feel like I should throw caution to the wind and just see what happens... It could be amazing or it could just be a little awkward. On the other hand, I feel like I'm betraying Mr Special for even just considering going out on a date with someone else. Would it show that my feelings aren't as strong as I thought they were?

I'm in such a mess. I still feel jealous of all my close friends and family who are all coupled up. It's been wedding after wedding - and the Royal Wedding... I want to hate Mr Special for his disregard for my feelings and how he can just move on to someone else, but the sad truth is that I still love him so very much. And so to throw in an ex who I used to like very much... I'm surprised I haven't had a nervous breakdown.

I've had to keep soldiering on these last couple of months... really put a brave face on and pretend that I'm not crumbling up deep down inside. It hurts so much. I know that one day it will hurt less but when will that happen?? I don't want to feel like this because it's exhausting me...

:-(