I had intended on writing a post on Valentine's Day, but the last couple of weeks have been really tough. I had a fantastic holiday, and then came back to the news that I have to go into hospital for a minor procedure in a month or so. I've been quite worried about it, even though rationally I know there is nothing to be worried about. I just have to grit my teeth and get it over and done with. I haven't even been able to bring myself to tell anyone about it. I think I will, but perhaps a bit closer to the time.
The other reason is that I found out Mr Special took someone out for dinner on Valentine's Day. I had jokingly asked whether he had a date for Valentine's Day and he said yes. The news is absolutely killing me inside... the thought that he is dating someone else, taking her out for lovely dinners, to the movies, him sleeping with her. That's the worst feeling of all. Him kissing someone else, holding their hand, cuddling them. Giving her all the things that I so desperately want from him.
I always knew this would happen. He's embarked on this fantastic new life and meeting new people. It was only a matter of time before it happened. So much for his bullshit that I mean so much to him, I just didn't mean enough. And now he's suddenly able to give someone else all the things that he used to give me. And I haven't even been able to talk to him properly about it because he's too busy with someone else to talk to me. To do the decent thing and tell it to my face. To be honest with me.
I am so unhappy. And the really stupid thing is that I feel like I can't even talk about it with anyone for fear of looking like a complete fool who has been taken for a ride. I hate the thought of him being happy with someone else. It's terrible, isn't it? If you love someone, then you want them to be happy, but I hate it.
It really doesn't help matters that my sisters have found happiness with someone, and they want to take their respective partners home to meet the parents soon. It makes me think, when will it be my turn? When will I find that someone who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with them? I miss having someone to hold close, I miss kissing someone, I miss having that person to tell every secret that I have.
And in all honesty, I'm such a complete bitch for feeling jealous about my own sisters that I don't deserve to find my own happiness. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, I just want what they have too. To just snuggle up with someone on the sofa watching a movie, cooking dinner for them, hearing their voice every day. Is that too much to ask?
I know I have to get over Mr Special before I can move on. Not that there is anyone to move on to. But I just can't get him out of my head. Whenever something happens, I want to tell him above anyone else. We are in daily contact, which I need to stop. I don't know how to get over him... I just don't. I love him. I'm totally and utterly in love with a man who is dating someone else a million miles away.
Bite me.
