Ah, good old England. The second Bank Holiday of May and yep, it rained. I was actually a bit ill over the weekend, so I stayed home for some of it. I also went to visit my parents for a bit of TLC, which was sorely needed. Trying to get over Mr Special is really taking its toll on me.
I feel so very emotional and tearful at times, other times I'm angry, it varies from one extreme to another! I think this emotional upset has triggered my not being very well, and I hate it. I hate that a man has upset me so much. I hate that someone else has affected me so greatly. I know that Time Heals All Wounds, and I have to be patient, these things cannot be rushed. But how I long for the day when I can hear his name and not be reduced to a gibbering wreck!
Despite feeling a bit crap, I managed to see Lady Gaga at The O2 - one of the most brilliant shows I've seen in a long time. I wouldn't say that I am a huge fan of hers, but I think she has an amazing voice, and I really like lots of her songs. I actually think she is very talented. I don't know much about her background or personal life, but boy can she sing and dance - LIVE. I saw Britney in concert last year and honestly, she mimed her way through about 95% of her show.
I feel like I am caught in my very own Bad Romance... I hope there's a happy ending out there somewhere :-)
Monday 31 May 2010
Wednesday 26 May 2010
Every Cloud...
...has a silver lining. Or so they say.
I feel like I've heard every cliché and saying these past few days. Every song that I hear I think is about me. 'What will be, will be'... 'If it's meant to be, he'll come back to you'... 'Give him a chance to miss you'... 'If it wasn't right for one person, then it wasn't right for both'... 'What comes around, goes around'... 'It must have been love, but it's over now'...
Give me a break! Every time I go through a period of heartache it seems that my well-meaning friends and family recycle the same old lines to me. And it feels like none of them ever come true. Why is it that nobody can stand up to me and say, 'Honey, he didn't love you, he's moved on and is now a million miles away and is never coming back to be with you'? Yes, the truth hurts, but at least then I can deal with the pain instead of pathetically clinging on to some shred of hope. Because I am. Deep down, I do still think there is a chance for me and Mr Special. Despite every gut instinct that tells me he won't come back, some part of me thinks he might somehow realise his mistake in what he gave up to move to a new country.
I am desperately trying hard to move on from this. I don't want to wake up in a few months or a couple of years and realise how much time and energy I wasted on a futile cause. I'm trying to fill my days with things to do, people to see, but all I really want to do is sit and mope at home. Okay, I know I can give myself a bit of time to mourn the loss of Mr Special, I don't expect that I could simply just move on. My feelings aren't controlled by the flick of a switch. But part of me doesn't want to allow myself to do this, it's rather odd.
I think I've been a bit unsettled today because I spoke to Mr Special... he called me, which was weird and exciting yet comforting all at the same time. It was really nice to hear his voice actually. I miss talking to him. I miss seeing him. I miss doing stuff with him, like going out for drinks after work, or dinner, a movie, a cuddle. Life sucks sometimes.
Even retail therapy isn't really working! Eek!!
I feel like I've heard every cliché and saying these past few days. Every song that I hear I think is about me. 'What will be, will be'... 'If it's meant to be, he'll come back to you'... 'Give him a chance to miss you'... 'If it wasn't right for one person, then it wasn't right for both'... 'What comes around, goes around'... 'It must have been love, but it's over now'...
Give me a break! Every time I go through a period of heartache it seems that my well-meaning friends and family recycle the same old lines to me. And it feels like none of them ever come true. Why is it that nobody can stand up to me and say, 'Honey, he didn't love you, he's moved on and is now a million miles away and is never coming back to be with you'? Yes, the truth hurts, but at least then I can deal with the pain instead of pathetically clinging on to some shred of hope. Because I am. Deep down, I do still think there is a chance for me and Mr Special. Despite every gut instinct that tells me he won't come back, some part of me thinks he might somehow realise his mistake in what he gave up to move to a new country.
I am desperately trying hard to move on from this. I don't want to wake up in a few months or a couple of years and realise how much time and energy I wasted on a futile cause. I'm trying to fill my days with things to do, people to see, but all I really want to do is sit and mope at home. Okay, I know I can give myself a bit of time to mourn the loss of Mr Special, I don't expect that I could simply just move on. My feelings aren't controlled by the flick of a switch. But part of me doesn't want to allow myself to do this, it's rather odd.
I think I've been a bit unsettled today because I spoke to Mr Special... he called me, which was weird and exciting yet comforting all at the same time. It was really nice to hear his voice actually. I miss talking to him. I miss seeing him. I miss doing stuff with him, like going out for drinks after work, or dinner, a movie, a cuddle. Life sucks sometimes.
Even retail therapy isn't really working! Eek!!
Monday 24 May 2010
Summer Attire
Well, another beautiful day in London - shame it was Monday and back to work... if only 3 day weekends existed, oh wait, we have another Bank Holiday weekend next weekend, yay!
As I was walking to work today, I was struck by how many people were inappropriately dressed for what was one of the hottest days of the year so far. I'm quite lucky because where I work there is no dress code and I don't have to dress formally at all. I have the luxury of being able to get dressed up if I want, or go in casual outfits, even jeans and trainers if I fancy it. Today I wore a simple vest top and a floral skirt with flip flops. Very summery and cool, yet not too revealing either.
Okay, I realise that hot sunny weather over here is rare, but come on people, we've had 2 days of this already - it's not like we didn't have any prior warning! I saw women wearing pretty dresses teamed with thick black opaque tights and some of them even wore boots. Maybe they don't feel the heat?! There was one lady who had a lovely simple shift dress on, with some hideous turquoise t-shirt underneath, so you could see the sleeves and part of the neckline under the dress. It looked terrible. She would've looked great just wearing the dress on its own.
Perhaps after a long cold winter people weren't ready to reveal their pasty white legs and crusty feet? Who knows? All I could think was that these poor souls must have been sweltering in the heat.
Don't get me wrong, I don't have fabulous legs either, but there comes a point when you have to ditch the hosiery and bare your pins - and once you've been out and about you'll wonder what took you so long. You start to get a little tan, which makes you feel good, the sunlight on your skin boosts vitamin D production, which makes you feel great. Everybody's mood just seems to improve with a little sunshine.
Over the last couple of days I've been exfoliating my legs and scrubbing my feet with a pumice stone so they look vaguely presentable in sandals and flip flops. It doesn't take long and they are now almost looking quite nice!! A big dollop of moisturiser goes a long way too, your skin will thank you for it. Finally, a splash of colour on your toe nails draws the eye away from any feet imperfections. I've got some neutral pale pink glittery nail varnish on so it shimmers in the sunlight, very pretty!
So there you go, not quite perfect legs or feet, but not ashamed to have them on show. Over the years of bad shoe abuse my feet bear many scars and bumps. But they're part of me, they tell the tale of where I've walked and will continue to carry me on my path through life. A little love and attention and they'll look and feel great too - failing that, go and have a pedicure done by the professionals!
As I was walking to work today, I was struck by how many people were inappropriately dressed for what was one of the hottest days of the year so far. I'm quite lucky because where I work there is no dress code and I don't have to dress formally at all. I have the luxury of being able to get dressed up if I want, or go in casual outfits, even jeans and trainers if I fancy it. Today I wore a simple vest top and a floral skirt with flip flops. Very summery and cool, yet not too revealing either.
Okay, I realise that hot sunny weather over here is rare, but come on people, we've had 2 days of this already - it's not like we didn't have any prior warning! I saw women wearing pretty dresses teamed with thick black opaque tights and some of them even wore boots. Maybe they don't feel the heat?! There was one lady who had a lovely simple shift dress on, with some hideous turquoise t-shirt underneath, so you could see the sleeves and part of the neckline under the dress. It looked terrible. She would've looked great just wearing the dress on its own.
Perhaps after a long cold winter people weren't ready to reveal their pasty white legs and crusty feet? Who knows? All I could think was that these poor souls must have been sweltering in the heat.
Don't get me wrong, I don't have fabulous legs either, but there comes a point when you have to ditch the hosiery and bare your pins - and once you've been out and about you'll wonder what took you so long. You start to get a little tan, which makes you feel good, the sunlight on your skin boosts vitamin D production, which makes you feel great. Everybody's mood just seems to improve with a little sunshine.
Over the last couple of days I've been exfoliating my legs and scrubbing my feet with a pumice stone so they look vaguely presentable in sandals and flip flops. It doesn't take long and they are now almost looking quite nice!! A big dollop of moisturiser goes a long way too, your skin will thank you for it. Finally, a splash of colour on your toe nails draws the eye away from any feet imperfections. I've got some neutral pale pink glittery nail varnish on so it shimmers in the sunlight, very pretty!
So there you go, not quite perfect legs or feet, but not ashamed to have them on show. Over the years of bad shoe abuse my feet bear many scars and bumps. But they're part of me, they tell the tale of where I've walked and will continue to carry me on my path through life. A little love and attention and they'll look and feel great too - failing that, go and have a pedicure done by the professionals!
Sunday 23 May 2010
Retail Therapy Rant
Today was another gloriously hot and sunny day in London. My original plans were cancelled late last night so I woke up with nothing in mind. Had a lazy morning and then decided some shopping was sorely needed. As it was such nice weather, Oxford Street was very quiet, which suited me so I didn't have to fight my way through hordes of people.
I only spent a couple of hours shopping, but I've come home with some great stuff - a couple of summery dresses, a skirt, some new vest tops, a couple of pairs of shorts and a couple of sets of bikinis! All stuff that I'll wear this summer and on holidays too. Plus it's a great motivational tool to actually keep to my get fit plan (although in recent days I've been more comfort eating) so this week I'm going to really try to eat properly and do some exercise.
I love shopping, but sometimes it can be so frustrating. Sod's Law means you'll never find what you're looking for, and when you're out window shopping and broke that's when you come across perfectly fitting items that you just *have* to have. For me, sizing is a huge issue. Depending on the store, I can range from a size 6 to a 10. And even then sometimes I find I'm an odd inbetween size, like an 8 will be a teeny bit too tight but a 10 is too baggy. I wish there was a proper standard sizing that was adopted across all shops. I have spent a fortune now on getting my clothes altered!
It's the same with lingerie. Buying bras (and also bikini tops) is always disappointing. Sometimes they fit, sometimes they don't... it depends on the style of the bra and which shop you're in. When I found the perfect everyday bra, I bought about 5 of them - now, quelle surprise, they don't make this style of bra anymore. Grrr. It's a lesson I've learnt the hard way - when you find something that you love and it fits you well, always buy another one. That's why I ended up buying a couple of sets of bikinis today - now I just need to get down to the beach!
Another little rant about shopping, you know those security tags that they use? I totally get why they are used, but I really wish that they weren't, or at least that they were put somewhere else. I don't know if this is just me, but I always seem to have tiny little holes from where they've stuck the pin through, and ultimately it does ruin the fabric. In one of the shops I went to I had to ask the sales assistant to find me another size so off she went into the stockroom. Moments later, success! She's found the right size - but before I can buy it or try it on she whisks it away to punch a security tag through it, only to have to remove it about 10 minutes later and oh yes, there's a hole in my new dress.
Speaking of sales assistants, if I need help I will ask for it, thank you very much. I hate the way that they pounce on you as soon as you've stepped into the store and haven't even looked at anything yet. This also translates into hating when waiting staff come and ask if you'd like to order a drink - when you haven't even sat down or taken your coat off. I might not know what I want to drink yet and might want to take a look at the drinks menu before deciding. I realise that these people are only doing their jobs, but please, try to give a couple of minutes before accosting customers, whether in a restaurant or a shop. Just a couple of minutes. Then it will be all the more appreciated when you do come over and I'll either need help or will know what I want to drink :-)
I only spent a couple of hours shopping, but I've come home with some great stuff - a couple of summery dresses, a skirt, some new vest tops, a couple of pairs of shorts and a couple of sets of bikinis! All stuff that I'll wear this summer and on holidays too. Plus it's a great motivational tool to actually keep to my get fit plan (although in recent days I've been more comfort eating) so this week I'm going to really try to eat properly and do some exercise.
I love shopping, but sometimes it can be so frustrating. Sod's Law means you'll never find what you're looking for, and when you're out window shopping and broke that's when you come across perfectly fitting items that you just *have* to have. For me, sizing is a huge issue. Depending on the store, I can range from a size 6 to a 10. And even then sometimes I find I'm an odd inbetween size, like an 8 will be a teeny bit too tight but a 10 is too baggy. I wish there was a proper standard sizing that was adopted across all shops. I have spent a fortune now on getting my clothes altered!
It's the same with lingerie. Buying bras (and also bikini tops) is always disappointing. Sometimes they fit, sometimes they don't... it depends on the style of the bra and which shop you're in. When I found the perfect everyday bra, I bought about 5 of them - now, quelle surprise, they don't make this style of bra anymore. Grrr. It's a lesson I've learnt the hard way - when you find something that you love and it fits you well, always buy another one. That's why I ended up buying a couple of sets of bikinis today - now I just need to get down to the beach!
Another little rant about shopping, you know those security tags that they use? I totally get why they are used, but I really wish that they weren't, or at least that they were put somewhere else. I don't know if this is just me, but I always seem to have tiny little holes from where they've stuck the pin through, and ultimately it does ruin the fabric. In one of the shops I went to I had to ask the sales assistant to find me another size so off she went into the stockroom. Moments later, success! She's found the right size - but before I can buy it or try it on she whisks it away to punch a security tag through it, only to have to remove it about 10 minutes later and oh yes, there's a hole in my new dress.
Speaking of sales assistants, if I need help I will ask for it, thank you very much. I hate the way that they pounce on you as soon as you've stepped into the store and haven't even looked at anything yet. This also translates into hating when waiting staff come and ask if you'd like to order a drink - when you haven't even sat down or taken your coat off. I might not know what I want to drink yet and might want to take a look at the drinks menu before deciding. I realise that these people are only doing their jobs, but please, try to give a couple of minutes before accosting customers, whether in a restaurant or a shop. Just a couple of minutes. Then it will be all the more appreciated when you do come over and I'll either need help or will know what I want to drink :-)
Saturday 22 May 2010
RIP Uncle
It is 4 years ago today that my Uncle passed away. I'll always remember this day as it is sadly the day before my Dad's birthday.
I was always quite close to my Uncle, despite him not living in the UK. I remember him coming over for holidays and being taken out by him as a small kid. I remember going on a family holiday in winter to stay with him and my Auntie and 2 cousins (although at the time technically only 1 cousin existed!). I remember my first summer holiday at uni when I went to stay with them and my Uncle was so cool and let me travel by train all the way to Venice in Italy as a couple of my uni friends were on holiday there, and my parents had said it was too far away and dangerous. I remember the summer before he died I went on a camping holiday with my then boyfriend and we made an impromptu visit to them. That was the last time I saw him.
I recall one summer that I spent with them we went out on a pedalo in some lake somewhere... I can't remember exactly where as I was quite young then. It seemed quite fitting today that I went out in a rowing boat in Battersea Park with a couple of friends and spent half an hour taking in the scenery, the wildlife, and trying to get the hang of rowing!! It was so peaceful and I had a few moments to myself to remember and celebrate my Uncle's life.
Thinking about my Uncle today has reiterated the point that life is short. He left behind a beautiful wife and 2 young children. He didn't even get to see them grow up. I'm going to try to make the most of things, my life is here and now - ready and waiting to be lived. I'm not going to put my life on hold for anyone. I'm not going to dwell on the past and think about what might have been, or think too much about the future and worry that I'll end up alone and unhappy. I have to concentrate on making me happy now... all the rest will fall into place.
And what better time to do this than summertime in London? It was a glorious day today... and I have to confess that I'm a little pink now on my shoulders despite using sun lotion and sitting in the shade. Grr. The last couple of days I've had great food and great company in the sun. What more could I ask for? Well, it would've been nice to share moments like this with Mr Special, but he is halfway across the world. And I've got to stop thinking about him.
I wonder if he has thought about me at all in the last few days???
I was always quite close to my Uncle, despite him not living in the UK. I remember him coming over for holidays and being taken out by him as a small kid. I remember going on a family holiday in winter to stay with him and my Auntie and 2 cousins (although at the time technically only 1 cousin existed!). I remember my first summer holiday at uni when I went to stay with them and my Uncle was so cool and let me travel by train all the way to Venice in Italy as a couple of my uni friends were on holiday there, and my parents had said it was too far away and dangerous. I remember the summer before he died I went on a camping holiday with my then boyfriend and we made an impromptu visit to them. That was the last time I saw him.
I recall one summer that I spent with them we went out on a pedalo in some lake somewhere... I can't remember exactly where as I was quite young then. It seemed quite fitting today that I went out in a rowing boat in Battersea Park with a couple of friends and spent half an hour taking in the scenery, the wildlife, and trying to get the hang of rowing!! It was so peaceful and I had a few moments to myself to remember and celebrate my Uncle's life.
Thinking about my Uncle today has reiterated the point that life is short. He left behind a beautiful wife and 2 young children. He didn't even get to see them grow up. I'm going to try to make the most of things, my life is here and now - ready and waiting to be lived. I'm not going to put my life on hold for anyone. I'm not going to dwell on the past and think about what might have been, or think too much about the future and worry that I'll end up alone and unhappy. I have to concentrate on making me happy now... all the rest will fall into place.
And what better time to do this than summertime in London? It was a glorious day today... and I have to confess that I'm a little pink now on my shoulders despite using sun lotion and sitting in the shade. Grr. The last couple of days I've had great food and great company in the sun. What more could I ask for? Well, it would've been nice to share moments like this with Mr Special, but he is halfway across the world. And I've got to stop thinking about him.
I wonder if he has thought about me at all in the last few days???
Thursday 20 May 2010
Text Communications
This is the post that I started earlier this week... and finished writing today, so apologies if the time line doesn't make sense!
On Monday evening a girlfriend and I were discussing a topic close to my heart - men and texting. It started with a comment that her partner had sent her a rather curt and short text over the weekend informing her that he would be home by a certain time and that he had made plans for one night this coming week. She asked, quite sadly, whether this was what texting had become for them, a simple means to convey diary appointments.
Hundreds of people would, at this point, shout yes. A text message is a simple means of communicating a short message to another person. If the message is very urgent or important then surely you'd pick up the telephone and speak to them, or, heaven forbid, go and do it in person!
I agree with this, but I also think that a text can be more. It can be a sweet message of love, to tell someone that you were just thinking of them, a naughty text to get your partner in the mood, so many things.
I think for the majority of guys, they see it as a means to an end, to pass on some vital information. They're not flowery, and don't even get me started on the subject of whether they've included a kiss at the end of it or not! Women do tend to over-analyse and deconstruct sentences and words to see if there is some kind of hidden meaning behind the message. I should know, so many times I've sat re-reading text messages because I thought there was some meaning there, some hidden message of love.
Earlier this year my old mobile phone completely died and it wouldn't even switch on or anything - I lost over 2 years' worth of text messages from loved ones, including Mr Special, and a couple of other guys that I dated before him. I was really upset about this, partly because it documented a whole chunk of my life, and partly because I had some really lovely messages on there. There was nothing I could do to retrieve these messages, and even today it still makes me a little sad that I can't read them. I'd actually really love to read all my old texts from Mr Special... in the past he has sent me some really sweet messages that made me go all gooey inside.
It makes me feel sad for the demise of the written love letter. My very first love used to write me actual paper letters, which was a revelation in itself as he is the geekiest person I know! But I cherish them because they represent his feelings for me... something tangible, not just something in the ether. It is such a romantic and old-fashioned notion but I would love it if I were to receive a love letter from someone special. Not just an email or a text, but a letter or a card or even a little postcard.
I received a few text messages from Mr Special today. Being the idiot that I am, I did reply to him. I'm going to try really hard to not be in contact with him. I think it will do me good, and help me to heal from these wounds that are so fresh, and with him not even being in the same country now, at least I can't be tempted to drop by or call him and ask if I can see him.
This weekend I'm going to put away everything that reminds me of him. He's bought me a few things over the last year and a bit, and for me they all have memories of him attached to them. I actually have one of his favourite jumpers here, and a couple of t-shirts - have to try to resist burying my nose in them to try and smell his scent. I'm missing him already and it's not even been for very long - heck he's been away longer on business trips and holidays before and I've been fine. I think this time there is a sense of finality so it feels different, I know I won't see him again for a very long time and it makes me feel very sad.
I must resist texting him!!!
On Monday evening a girlfriend and I were discussing a topic close to my heart - men and texting. It started with a comment that her partner had sent her a rather curt and short text over the weekend informing her that he would be home by a certain time and that he had made plans for one night this coming week. She asked, quite sadly, whether this was what texting had become for them, a simple means to convey diary appointments.
Hundreds of people would, at this point, shout yes. A text message is a simple means of communicating a short message to another person. If the message is very urgent or important then surely you'd pick up the telephone and speak to them, or, heaven forbid, go and do it in person!
I agree with this, but I also think that a text can be more. It can be a sweet message of love, to tell someone that you were just thinking of them, a naughty text to get your partner in the mood, so many things.
I think for the majority of guys, they see it as a means to an end, to pass on some vital information. They're not flowery, and don't even get me started on the subject of whether they've included a kiss at the end of it or not! Women do tend to over-analyse and deconstruct sentences and words to see if there is some kind of hidden meaning behind the message. I should know, so many times I've sat re-reading text messages because I thought there was some meaning there, some hidden message of love.
Earlier this year my old mobile phone completely died and it wouldn't even switch on or anything - I lost over 2 years' worth of text messages from loved ones, including Mr Special, and a couple of other guys that I dated before him. I was really upset about this, partly because it documented a whole chunk of my life, and partly because I had some really lovely messages on there. There was nothing I could do to retrieve these messages, and even today it still makes me a little sad that I can't read them. I'd actually really love to read all my old texts from Mr Special... in the past he has sent me some really sweet messages that made me go all gooey inside.
It makes me feel sad for the demise of the written love letter. My very first love used to write me actual paper letters, which was a revelation in itself as he is the geekiest person I know! But I cherish them because they represent his feelings for me... something tangible, not just something in the ether. It is such a romantic and old-fashioned notion but I would love it if I were to receive a love letter from someone special. Not just an email or a text, but a letter or a card or even a little postcard.
I received a few text messages from Mr Special today. Being the idiot that I am, I did reply to him. I'm going to try really hard to not be in contact with him. I think it will do me good, and help me to heal from these wounds that are so fresh, and with him not even being in the same country now, at least I can't be tempted to drop by or call him and ask if I can see him.
This weekend I'm going to put away everything that reminds me of him. He's bought me a few things over the last year and a bit, and for me they all have memories of him attached to them. I actually have one of his favourite jumpers here, and a couple of t-shirts - have to try to resist burying my nose in them to try and smell his scent. I'm missing him already and it's not even been for very long - heck he's been away longer on business trips and holidays before and I've been fine. I think this time there is a sense of finality so it feels different, I know I won't see him again for a very long time and it makes me feel very sad.
I must resist texting him!!!
Wednesday 19 May 2010
Goodbye Mr Special
I started writing a new post the other day but my heart wasn't really in it. I will finish it, perhaps in a few days. Stay tuned!! :-)
Have been rather busy these last few days actually, which has been a blessing in disguise as it has helped to take my mind off things with Mr Special. I've had to say goodbye to him. Not for forever, but certainly for now. I don't want to waste my life pining after someone when it's clear that things are not going to work out. No matter how deep my feelings are for this man, it won't change the fact that he is leaving the country and that he doesn't want to be in a serious, committed relationship with me. He may tick a heck of alot of boxes on my list, but sadly I don't tick enough of his.
We have spoken a bit since The Row, but nothing has really changed. He still maintains that he loves and cares for me, that I am special to him, but he is leaving and it's all bad timing... the eternal optimist and romantic idiot in me thinks he actually has feelings for me, the cold hearted bitch thinks these are just feeble excuses so that he doesn't come out of this looking like the bad guy. I don't actually know what to think anymore. Maybe he isn't ready for anything serious - I totally get the whole 'once bitten, twice shy' scenario, but then why go to all this effort when he could have easily kept it on a friends only basis. Who knows? Men (and women) can be very strange creatures.
I've found myself quite overwhelmed by emotion at times... today at work my eyes suddenly welled up and I was hit by such sadness that I wouldn't be able to see Mr Special anymore. It physically hurt. Like someone had thumped me in the chest.
So what have I been doing in a bid to keep myself busy and occupied and not reaching for the phone like a mad, crazy stalker? I had my first proper singing lesson, which was great fun! I've met some really lovely ladies who can all sing brilliantly. I went to a student theatre performance that was organised by a friend of a friend, and I just thought, why not go? Instead of sitting at home and moping about men I should get out there... okay, in all honesty it isn't the kind of place you'd go to meet a guy (not for me anyway as they were all about 10 years younger than me) and plus I am definitely not in that frame of mind where I can just go out with another guy, I need to sort my head out first otherwise it wouldn't be fair on whoever dated me, but I had a great time - cheeky cocktails, good company, fantastic show!
I also had the immense pleasure of seeing Flight of the Conchords live at Hammersmith Apollo. This was an amazing night. I absolutely love FotC and their live shows were sold out in a matter of minutes so I was extremely lucky to get tickets. Their comedic wit is just genius, their song lyrics make me laugh so much, and seeing them in the flesh made it seem a million times better than their TV and radio work. If I could go again, I would!
Seeing Bret and Jemaine was the highlight of my week... saying goodbye to someone that I love was the low point.
I wonder what next week will bring me?
Have been rather busy these last few days actually, which has been a blessing in disguise as it has helped to take my mind off things with Mr Special. I've had to say goodbye to him. Not for forever, but certainly for now. I don't want to waste my life pining after someone when it's clear that things are not going to work out. No matter how deep my feelings are for this man, it won't change the fact that he is leaving the country and that he doesn't want to be in a serious, committed relationship with me. He may tick a heck of alot of boxes on my list, but sadly I don't tick enough of his.
We have spoken a bit since The Row, but nothing has really changed. He still maintains that he loves and cares for me, that I am special to him, but he is leaving and it's all bad timing... the eternal optimist and romantic idiot in me thinks he actually has feelings for me, the cold hearted bitch thinks these are just feeble excuses so that he doesn't come out of this looking like the bad guy. I don't actually know what to think anymore. Maybe he isn't ready for anything serious - I totally get the whole 'once bitten, twice shy' scenario, but then why go to all this effort when he could have easily kept it on a friends only basis. Who knows? Men (and women) can be very strange creatures.
I've found myself quite overwhelmed by emotion at times... today at work my eyes suddenly welled up and I was hit by such sadness that I wouldn't be able to see Mr Special anymore. It physically hurt. Like someone had thumped me in the chest.
So what have I been doing in a bid to keep myself busy and occupied and not reaching for the phone like a mad, crazy stalker? I had my first proper singing lesson, which was great fun! I've met some really lovely ladies who can all sing brilliantly. I went to a student theatre performance that was organised by a friend of a friend, and I just thought, why not go? Instead of sitting at home and moping about men I should get out there... okay, in all honesty it isn't the kind of place you'd go to meet a guy (not for me anyway as they were all about 10 years younger than me) and plus I am definitely not in that frame of mind where I can just go out with another guy, I need to sort my head out first otherwise it wouldn't be fair on whoever dated me, but I had a great time - cheeky cocktails, good company, fantastic show!
I also had the immense pleasure of seeing Flight of the Conchords live at Hammersmith Apollo. This was an amazing night. I absolutely love FotC and their live shows were sold out in a matter of minutes so I was extremely lucky to get tickets. Their comedic wit is just genius, their song lyrics make me laugh so much, and seeing them in the flesh made it seem a million times better than their TV and radio work. If I could go again, I would!
Seeing Bret and Jemaine was the highlight of my week... saying goodbye to someone that I love was the low point.
I wonder what next week will bring me?
Monday 17 May 2010
Sorry seems to be the hardest word...
I had a row with Mr Special. I feel really really crap about it. I won't go into too many details, as at the moment it is still very raw and private and I'm not sure how I feel.
I have found in my experience, that whenever I get annoyed with someone, especially guys that I'm dating or in a relationship with, I always end up feeling like I'm the one who is in the wrong.
I'm a great believer that communication is a key element to all relationships, whether they're with a special partner, a friend or work colleague. Yes, everyone always tells small white lies, but I don't think that big things should be kept from someone important. I always try to tell the truth, even though more often than not, the truth hurts. So I end up opening my stupid big mouth, blindly thinking that it's better to tell someone the truth, and that if the tables were turned I'd prefer to hear the truth - maybe that stems from having been lied to and cheated on in the past, I feel that now I'd rather know the truth over lies, even though it probably will hurt me a million times more. The truth is better than not knowing... I hate not knowing, having all these questions floating round and round in your head with no clear resolution.
In an ideal world, the person who you've just told something to would take on board what you've said, maybe apologise, or have some sort of reason for why. But in my cases, they turn it against me, almost in a 'shoot the messenger' kinda way. I end up feeling bad for having brought it up, and start saying sorry for hurting them, when they caused the initial hurt and all I was doing was expressing how I felt.
Why is it that I'm the one ending up feeling guilty???? I've spoken to a couple of people about this and they have found similar things.
Should I take this as a lesson in not divulging the truth to someone important? Perhaps then I wouldn't have had a row with Mr Special.
I have found in my experience, that whenever I get annoyed with someone, especially guys that I'm dating or in a relationship with, I always end up feeling like I'm the one who is in the wrong.
I'm a great believer that communication is a key element to all relationships, whether they're with a special partner, a friend or work colleague. Yes, everyone always tells small white lies, but I don't think that big things should be kept from someone important. I always try to tell the truth, even though more often than not, the truth hurts. So I end up opening my stupid big mouth, blindly thinking that it's better to tell someone the truth, and that if the tables were turned I'd prefer to hear the truth - maybe that stems from having been lied to and cheated on in the past, I feel that now I'd rather know the truth over lies, even though it probably will hurt me a million times more. The truth is better than not knowing... I hate not knowing, having all these questions floating round and round in your head with no clear resolution.
In an ideal world, the person who you've just told something to would take on board what you've said, maybe apologise, or have some sort of reason for why. But in my cases, they turn it against me, almost in a 'shoot the messenger' kinda way. I end up feeling bad for having brought it up, and start saying sorry for hurting them, when they caused the initial hurt and all I was doing was expressing how I felt.
Why is it that I'm the one ending up feeling guilty???? I've spoken to a couple of people about this and they have found similar things.
Should I take this as a lesson in not divulging the truth to someone important? Perhaps then I wouldn't have had a row with Mr Special.
Thursday 13 May 2010
Always Someone Worse Off
I've been indulging in a bit of self-pity about Mr Special these last few weeks... especially this last week. I know that ultimately it's not the end of the world, and I'm not going to die of a broken heart - no matter how much it hurts right now. And I know I have so much to be grateful for, wonderful family and friends, my health (such a cliché!), my job... everything in my life is pretty good apart from the love life, which does get me down. But there's always someone worse off, who seems to cope and not let things get them down and depressed.
I met someone like that the other day. A beautiful girl in her early 20s who had been in a road traffic accident and as a result of it, is now blind in one eye. To look at her you would never think that there was anything wrong with her, there are no visible scars or marks to show that she suffered such a horrendous injury. And she is such a bright, bubbly, happy girl with a lust for life, determined not to let this get her down.
I think we can all take something away from this. Yes, there always will be someone worse off than you, maybe they have a terminal illness, been in an accident, had terrible things happen to them. And maybe they're better people for not letting these things affect them so greatly. But no matter how trivial or superficial the pain is that you feel, it is still pain nevertheless. And perhaps it does feel like the end of the world, because at that point in time it happens to be the greatest pain that you feel, and maybe you've been fortunate enough to not experience anything worse.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is that we shouldn't belittle what people go through, even if it does seem of little consequence compared to what some other people go through. There always will be someone else who has bigger problems than you.
Having said that, I am also a great believer that life is short and that you have to make the most of it. You only get one shot at life. So I know I'll be okay, but for now, just now, let me be sad...
I met someone like that the other day. A beautiful girl in her early 20s who had been in a road traffic accident and as a result of it, is now blind in one eye. To look at her you would never think that there was anything wrong with her, there are no visible scars or marks to show that she suffered such a horrendous injury. And she is such a bright, bubbly, happy girl with a lust for life, determined not to let this get her down.
I think we can all take something away from this. Yes, there always will be someone worse off than you, maybe they have a terminal illness, been in an accident, had terrible things happen to them. And maybe they're better people for not letting these things affect them so greatly. But no matter how trivial or superficial the pain is that you feel, it is still pain nevertheless. And perhaps it does feel like the end of the world, because at that point in time it happens to be the greatest pain that you feel, and maybe you've been fortunate enough to not experience anything worse.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is that we shouldn't belittle what people go through, even if it does seem of little consequence compared to what some other people go through. There always will be someone else who has bigger problems than you.
Having said that, I am also a great believer that life is short and that you have to make the most of it. You only get one shot at life. So I know I'll be okay, but for now, just now, let me be sad...
Tuesday 11 May 2010
Heston's Feasts
I love food. Seriously. Food of all cuisines from both posh and fancy restaurants, to cheap and cheerful places, and best of all - home cooked. I really enjoy cooking at home and giving it a go, even if it ends up looking like a complete mess. It's so much fun, and immensely rewarding. I'm not brilliant, but I have quite a collection of recipe books that I like to try out now and again.
Tonight I watched Heston's 80s Feast - it was brilliant. In fact, the whole series has been pretty brilliant. I think Heston is my favourite chef at the moment, and I would give my right arm to be able to eat at his restaurant The Fat Duck. Any takers?! :-)
Being an 80s girl - the song 'Acceptable in the 80s' by Calvin Harris springs to mind now - tonight's show brought back loads of memories... from Viennetta ice cream to ham and cheese toasties, space dust, slushies and potato waffles.
Heston never ceases to amaze me, and he and his team always look like they're having so much fun trying out new combinations of tastes and textures to deliver truly wondrous creations. It made me laugh tonight when he was trying to make the stringiest cheese, and they were seeing how far it could stretch across the kitchen before breaking.
Next week is the last show in the series - the Ultimate Feast - bet it will be a good'un!!
In other news... I've decided to take group singing lessons as I think they'll be more fun. And I think I need something like that to distract me from you-know-who. I've also decided that I have to get fit - everyone tells me it all goes downhill once you hit 30, so I'm determined to prove them wrong. Plus I have to wear a bikini in June! Eeek, not long to go!
I'm actually seeing Mr Special this week. I debated whether this was a good idea or not, and it's probably a mistake, but hey, we learn from our mistakes, right? Besides, I don't think I can possibly feel any worse than I do right now, so let's see what this week brings.
Tonight I watched Heston's 80s Feast - it was brilliant. In fact, the whole series has been pretty brilliant. I think Heston is my favourite chef at the moment, and I would give my right arm to be able to eat at his restaurant The Fat Duck. Any takers?! :-)
Being an 80s girl - the song 'Acceptable in the 80s' by Calvin Harris springs to mind now - tonight's show brought back loads of memories... from Viennetta ice cream to ham and cheese toasties, space dust, slushies and potato waffles.
Heston never ceases to amaze me, and he and his team always look like they're having so much fun trying out new combinations of tastes and textures to deliver truly wondrous creations. It made me laugh tonight when he was trying to make the stringiest cheese, and they were seeing how far it could stretch across the kitchen before breaking.
Next week is the last show in the series - the Ultimate Feast - bet it will be a good'un!!
In other news... I've decided to take group singing lessons as I think they'll be more fun. And I think I need something like that to distract me from you-know-who. I've also decided that I have to get fit - everyone tells me it all goes downhill once you hit 30, so I'm determined to prove them wrong. Plus I have to wear a bikini in June! Eeek, not long to go!
I'm actually seeing Mr Special this week. I debated whether this was a good idea or not, and it's probably a mistake, but hey, we learn from our mistakes, right? Besides, I don't think I can possibly feel any worse than I do right now, so let's see what this week brings.
Sunday 9 May 2010
'Perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim'
I came across this Latin phrase coined by the Roman poet Ovid - it means 'Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you'.
I'm trying to apply this to my current situation with Mr Special.
I've had a really great weekend with some lovely friends keeping my mind off him. During the days when I'm busy doing stuff it all seems just fine... and then night time comes and I'm lying here alone in bed with only my thoughts for company. This is when I feel most down and depressed. I think about Mr Special, and what my life would be like if things were different. It's stupid I know... I know I can't change things, I can't change his mind. The only thing I'm in control of is me, I can change the way I think and feel. It's hard, but I am the only one who can do this. Nobody can do it for me.
I've been through enough break ups and disappointment to know that I can and will survive this. He isn't the first guy to break my heart, and I'm guessing he won't be the last either. All my past relationships, all the joy and the pain, have shaped the person that I've become. And I've tried so hard to not let what has happened before affect the current relationship - never has the phrase 'Love like you've never been hurt' by Mark Twain been truer. Each time it gets a little harder though... each time you have a little bit more hurt and pain inside to carry through.
I hope that one day all the heartache and pain I've had to endure will be worth it...
I heard a song on the radio the other day by Lady Antebellum called 'Need You Now' and some of the lyrics really hit home:
"And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now"
But the most striking line for me is:
"Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all"
I have absolutely no regrets about Mr Special, and I'll treasure these memories for a long long time.
I'll finish with another quote by Alfred Lord Tennyson (sorry for the deluge of quotes but at times like these they all seem so true!)
" 'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all"
Wise words indeed.
I'm trying to apply this to my current situation with Mr Special.
I've had a really great weekend with some lovely friends keeping my mind off him. During the days when I'm busy doing stuff it all seems just fine... and then night time comes and I'm lying here alone in bed with only my thoughts for company. This is when I feel most down and depressed. I think about Mr Special, and what my life would be like if things were different. It's stupid I know... I know I can't change things, I can't change his mind. The only thing I'm in control of is me, I can change the way I think and feel. It's hard, but I am the only one who can do this. Nobody can do it for me.
I've been through enough break ups and disappointment to know that I can and will survive this. He isn't the first guy to break my heart, and I'm guessing he won't be the last either. All my past relationships, all the joy and the pain, have shaped the person that I've become. And I've tried so hard to not let what has happened before affect the current relationship - never has the phrase 'Love like you've never been hurt' by Mark Twain been truer. Each time it gets a little harder though... each time you have a little bit more hurt and pain inside to carry through.
I hope that one day all the heartache and pain I've had to endure will be worth it...
I heard a song on the radio the other day by Lady Antebellum called 'Need You Now' and some of the lyrics really hit home:
"And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now"
But the most striking line for me is:
"Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all"
I have absolutely no regrets about Mr Special, and I'll treasure these memories for a long long time.
I'll finish with another quote by Alfred Lord Tennyson (sorry for the deluge of quotes but at times like these they all seem so true!)
" 'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all"
Wise words indeed.
Friday 7 May 2010
Second Date
Tonight I had a second date with a guy I met back in March. On our first date we had dinner and a couple of drinks, which was a really nice evening... we chatted and got to know each other a bit. Tonight we went to the cinema. And it was weird.
First of all, he kept talking during the film. When I go to the cinema to watch a film, I'm there to watch the film - not have somebody talk the whole way through. I was not impressed. If he wanted to talk then why did he ask me to see a film? We could have done loads of other things tonight which would have been more conducive to having a conversation. But not in the cinema!!!!!
Secondly, I bought two lots of popcorn as he wanted salted and I always have sweet. All sorted! But no... during the trailers he asked if he could have some of my popcorn, and I couldn't very well say no, despite thinking in my head 'you said you didn't like sweet so that's why I got you the salted popcorn'. If he'd said he liked both then it wouldn't really have played on my mind, but he kept going back for more of my popcorn even though he didn't like it! It was really strange that I then started to think, 'I hope he has clean hands seeing as he's touching my popcorn'!!!
After the film, we went to a bar and had a drink. One drink. Conversation was a bit stilted and I felt rather uncomfortable. He asked a few questions about whether I knew this particular movie or artist, and it made me feel stupid when I said no. It did highlight to me that we didn't have very much in common. He is a nice enough guy but sadly I didn't feel a spark or any chemistry. I think after a couple of dates you know if you want to pursue a relationship with somebody.
Part of me sometimes wonders whether I'm closed off to the possibility of a relationship with someone because of my entanglement with Mr Special - the one who is moving away soon. But I genuinely did not fancy my date tonight. For a long time it has only been Mr Special - I don't do multiple dating. But seeing as there is no potential for it to go any further with him, I wanted to try to get over him. I know now that dating someone new isn't the way to do that.
I wish I had some magic formula to get over Mr Special... actually if I'm wishing for stuff then I should really wish that he wasn't leaving and that he felt the same way as I do about him!! :-)
First of all, he kept talking during the film. When I go to the cinema to watch a film, I'm there to watch the film - not have somebody talk the whole way through. I was not impressed. If he wanted to talk then why did he ask me to see a film? We could have done loads of other things tonight which would have been more conducive to having a conversation. But not in the cinema!!!!!
Secondly, I bought two lots of popcorn as he wanted salted and I always have sweet. All sorted! But no... during the trailers he asked if he could have some of my popcorn, and I couldn't very well say no, despite thinking in my head 'you said you didn't like sweet so that's why I got you the salted popcorn'. If he'd said he liked both then it wouldn't really have played on my mind, but he kept going back for more of my popcorn even though he didn't like it! It was really strange that I then started to think, 'I hope he has clean hands seeing as he's touching my popcorn'!!!
After the film, we went to a bar and had a drink. One drink. Conversation was a bit stilted and I felt rather uncomfortable. He asked a few questions about whether I knew this particular movie or artist, and it made me feel stupid when I said no. It did highlight to me that we didn't have very much in common. He is a nice enough guy but sadly I didn't feel a spark or any chemistry. I think after a couple of dates you know if you want to pursue a relationship with somebody.
Part of me sometimes wonders whether I'm closed off to the possibility of a relationship with someone because of my entanglement with Mr Special - the one who is moving away soon. But I genuinely did not fancy my date tonight. For a long time it has only been Mr Special - I don't do multiple dating. But seeing as there is no potential for it to go any further with him, I wanted to try to get over him. I know now that dating someone new isn't the way to do that.
I wish I had some magic formula to get over Mr Special... actually if I'm wishing for stuff then I should really wish that he wasn't leaving and that he felt the same way as I do about him!! :-)
Tuesday 4 May 2010
Gleek!
I have a small confession to make...
I am a little bit in love with Mr Schuester from Glee.
I only started watching Glee a few weeks ago but already I'm hooked and am desperately trying to catch up on the episodes I've missed. I love the music and the songs and the dance routines and, ahem, Mr Schue's bottom.
I love singing and music... it is such a powerful way of expressing feelings and emotions. It can make you so happy and cheerful, but also throw you into the deepest darkest depths of woe and despair. I tried to learn to play musical instruments as a child but I was always too lazy to practice so I can't play anything these days. I sing, but badly, and mostly when there is nobody around to listen!
Inspired by Glee, I went to a singing class for beginners. It was rather scary and nerve wracking and I didn't really know what to expect. I was pleasantly surprised. There were about 14 of us in total, most of them were aspiring stars with drive and ambition whereas I just wanted to improve my voice so that when I sing in front of other people it's not completely out of tune. We did lots of breathing and warm-up exercises, which were actually surprisingly quite difficult. It's a whole new way of breathing and singing. I had loads of fun though, not quite an adult version of Glee but fun nonetheless. As part of my 'doing new things for me', I've decided to take proper singing lessons - haven't decided whether to take group or private lessons though. The groups appeal to me because I'll get to meet new people and have fun and it would be more of a social thing, but I'm wondering whether I'd progress more on a one-to-one basis. I'll investigate and let you know how it goes!
On a side note, the rest of my Bank Holiday Weekend passed without further thought about H and what might have been. I'm trying hard to look to the future and not think too deeply about the past, and indeed the present. I feel like I'm riding on an emotional rollercoaster at the moment. Technically I am single, but for some time now there has been someone very special in my life and I'm sad because he is moving away soon, and I'm not sure how I'll get through that. I know I'll be okay in the end but it's gonna be a rocky road ahead. I'm feeling a Glee moment coming on - what should I sing? Something like Kelly Clarkson's 'Behind These Hazel Eyes' perhaps...
I am a little bit in love with Mr Schuester from Glee.
I only started watching Glee a few weeks ago but already I'm hooked and am desperately trying to catch up on the episodes I've missed. I love the music and the songs and the dance routines and, ahem, Mr Schue's bottom.
I love singing and music... it is such a powerful way of expressing feelings and emotions. It can make you so happy and cheerful, but also throw you into the deepest darkest depths of woe and despair. I tried to learn to play musical instruments as a child but I was always too lazy to practice so I can't play anything these days. I sing, but badly, and mostly when there is nobody around to listen!
Inspired by Glee, I went to a singing class for beginners. It was rather scary and nerve wracking and I didn't really know what to expect. I was pleasantly surprised. There were about 14 of us in total, most of them were aspiring stars with drive and ambition whereas I just wanted to improve my voice so that when I sing in front of other people it's not completely out of tune. We did lots of breathing and warm-up exercises, which were actually surprisingly quite difficult. It's a whole new way of breathing and singing. I had loads of fun though, not quite an adult version of Glee but fun nonetheless. As part of my 'doing new things for me', I've decided to take proper singing lessons - haven't decided whether to take group or private lessons though. The groups appeal to me because I'll get to meet new people and have fun and it would be more of a social thing, but I'm wondering whether I'd progress more on a one-to-one basis. I'll investigate and let you know how it goes!
On a side note, the rest of my Bank Holiday Weekend passed without further thought about H and what might have been. I'm trying hard to look to the future and not think too deeply about the past, and indeed the present. I feel like I'm riding on an emotional rollercoaster at the moment. Technically I am single, but for some time now there has been someone very special in my life and I'm sad because he is moving away soon, and I'm not sure how I'll get through that. I know I'll be okay in the end but it's gonna be a rocky road ahead. I'm feeling a Glee moment coming on - what should I sing? Something like Kelly Clarkson's 'Behind These Hazel Eyes' perhaps...
Saturday 1 May 2010
May Bank Holiday Weekend
Pinch, punch, it's the first of the month!
And it's also a long weekend! Hurrah! And it's raining.... well, no Bank Holiday Weekend would be complete without a little rain, would it?! Actually, it's been quite nice sitting inside listening to the heavens open... hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter and less wet day.
I had a strangely nice day today. Woke up relatively early and pottered about the house, then I had a few errands to run, which involved going into the City. On a Saturday. It was quite weird seeing all the usual familiar sights that I see on an everyday basis, but with no people around. Very quiet, ominous black clouds in the sky, and little me walking along without a care in the world. I then had to spoil it by venturing into Oxford Street! As I had no particular plans, I decided to walk along the quieter back streets and explored by simply walking, whereas usually I'd just hop on a bus or go on the tube. It was a good decision. I stumbled across Cambridge Circus. Now I've probably walked past here so many times before and never realised what it was called - until I watched Slumdog Millionaire and it featured as one of the questions. Today I saw with my very own eyes the road sign saying Cambridge Circus. Not an amazing achievement by any means but I did feel a small sense of satisfaction finding this place.
During my walks, I had alot of time to think about things and reflect on some stuff. Namely an ex. H was my first proper love. We were together for many years until he decided to end things. He is now very happily married and we do still keep in touch and remain friends. It's a bit difficult as he works abroad so we don't see each other very often but we do speak and email a fair bit. I guess I was thinking about him today as he was meant to be in the UK this week, and we had tentatively arranged to meet up. Last week we spoke and he told me he wouldn't be coming back after all. This made me feel quite sad - not because I still have feelings for him or want him back or anything like that, but because I spent so much time with him and I learnt alot during my time with him, and we grew together. This person used to know me inside out, and me him, and now I barely see him. It's strange to think that I used to spend every single day with this guy, and for the past, oooh almost 4 years we've been like strangers.
I know it's not healthy to dwell on the past, but just for today, I wondered 'what if'... what if we hadn't split up, would we still be together? Engaged, maybe married, children? It was a nice fantasy to think that things had worked out and that I wasn't such a failure with the opposite sex and relationships.
Goodnight all x
And it's also a long weekend! Hurrah! And it's raining.... well, no Bank Holiday Weekend would be complete without a little rain, would it?! Actually, it's been quite nice sitting inside listening to the heavens open... hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter and less wet day.
I had a strangely nice day today. Woke up relatively early and pottered about the house, then I had a few errands to run, which involved going into the City. On a Saturday. It was quite weird seeing all the usual familiar sights that I see on an everyday basis, but with no people around. Very quiet, ominous black clouds in the sky, and little me walking along without a care in the world. I then had to spoil it by venturing into Oxford Street! As I had no particular plans, I decided to walk along the quieter back streets and explored by simply walking, whereas usually I'd just hop on a bus or go on the tube. It was a good decision. I stumbled across Cambridge Circus. Now I've probably walked past here so many times before and never realised what it was called - until I watched Slumdog Millionaire and it featured as one of the questions. Today I saw with my very own eyes the road sign saying Cambridge Circus. Not an amazing achievement by any means but I did feel a small sense of satisfaction finding this place.
During my walks, I had alot of time to think about things and reflect on some stuff. Namely an ex. H was my first proper love. We were together for many years until he decided to end things. He is now very happily married and we do still keep in touch and remain friends. It's a bit difficult as he works abroad so we don't see each other very often but we do speak and email a fair bit. I guess I was thinking about him today as he was meant to be in the UK this week, and we had tentatively arranged to meet up. Last week we spoke and he told me he wouldn't be coming back after all. This made me feel quite sad - not because I still have feelings for him or want him back or anything like that, but because I spent so much time with him and I learnt alot during my time with him, and we grew together. This person used to know me inside out, and me him, and now I barely see him. It's strange to think that I used to spend every single day with this guy, and for the past, oooh almost 4 years we've been like strangers.
I know it's not healthy to dwell on the past, but just for today, I wondered 'what if'... what if we hadn't split up, would we still be together? Engaged, maybe married, children? It was a nice fantasy to think that things had worked out and that I wasn't such a failure with the opposite sex and relationships.
Goodnight all x
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